[valexand]

He's 30 (but looks much older) and I'm 34 (but look much younger). He's a housemate with issues of abandonment (his father dumped them when he was 4) and raised by a mom who's been married 4 times.....(= yea, what a mess).

I fell madly in love with him from the first 5 seconds I saw him. Not a mutual sentiment, unfortunately. Anyhow, one day I did the unthinkable (was it a craze of hormones??) and kissed him gently on his neck. It didn't go well...and I got rejected big time.

I took the rejection like a champ. My attitude was "oh, so sorry, I just really liked you and thought of expressing it in this manner. I apologize. It won't happen again, try taking it as a compliment". I thought that was honorable of me and very mature. I also told him that he is valuable to me as a person and that I would still like to keep him in my life as a friend.

Several months have passed and yes, we've maintained some sort of friendship. Here is the problem: HIS MOM! Before the incident she was so nice to me, hugged me, cared for me as if she was my own mom. I really did start to develop loving feelings for this woman. A week after the incident, she visits the house again (she visits often) but this time she was cold and distant. Those super-cold vibes were hard not to notice!!! That's when I started to suspect that "she knows".....
So, I confronted the guy asking him if he told anything to her. He admitted that he did. He told both his mom and his sister!!!!!!!!! He said that they kept asking him about me and it just came out of his mouth...!!!!! I'm like "what the.....!!!!". How and why would a grown man say something like this to his mom in the first place?!

The problem has been that every time his mom comes to visit she really behaves like she's above me and that I'm inferior and most definitely not good enough for her son. I think she's sinking this message to her son's brain to make sure he'd never give me a chance. Somewhat I understand her point of view because I am 4 years older than him, he could totally score better. But...when I really see myself, I see a nice girl, sweet, cute, loving with a lot to offer so....why the heck not?!
Every time she comes over I treat her with respect but I can feel -and see- her disapproval of me entirely as an existence and that really brings me down. I mean, she is the mom of the man I love the most. And sure, I'll just be friends with him since he can't love me but seriously...how do I get her to stop being like this? How do I get her to respect me? Was it really that horrible that this girl -me- kissed her son?? Was it "such" a bad thing that I "dared" to do that?

Thank you for your time to read this.

[Leed]

No it was NOT a terrible thing and this guy should have his stupid head examined for telling her in the first place. You're not going to change his behavior -- so you might as well forget any kind of relationship with him. You'd have "mom" in the bedroom with you. (figuratively of course)

Why are you torturing yourself with this guy? You LOVE him - but you can't have him. Why are you still wasting your time with him? And why are you allowing this crazy woman to make you feel less than?? She DOESN'T have that kind of POWER!!! You GAVE her the power. Take it back. She can't make you feel anything unless you allow her. She's no better than you! So hold your head up and stare the old bag down - and let HER know that YOU know you're just as good as her!!!

And then find yourself someone who DESERVES you. This guy certainly doesn't. He's gonna stay with mommy the rest of his life. Good grief. He's a waste of good time. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[valexand]

Hey Leed,
Thanks for your reply and especially the way you've expressed things. Being so assertive is such an asset. You are absolutely right and I'll be visiting this response to read it as often as I can. I also need to think this way. I AM a valuable person and both him and his mom should have been thanking their lucky stars that a person like me took interest in them.
But you are right: I need to drop this and look elsewhere to find people that will understand and appreciate me better.
Thanks.

[Leed]

Good girl!! You'll be surprised how many people will be interested in you once you hold your head up high and let them know that you are DESERVING of attention!! You'll be beating them off with a club! Now get out there are PICK whomever you want! Hugs, Lee

[missbelle]

Mom and your friend have their own disfunctional issues...big time!!...walk away while you can.....No run, don't walk and don't look back!

p.s it reminds me of a sick relationship I had in college with this guy. He too had a mom like the one you describe. She too lost a spouse, and decided to replace that spouse with her son. At Christmas one year, this guy, I'll call him "Sam" wanted a stero from mom for Christmas....I was there...what did he get but a rocking chair for the living room........Now there is a red flag for you!!!....and ...I was out of there!!..END OF STORY...!

[IceCreamKid]

I gently encourage you to make a mental note of the wonderful qualities of this man you write about and look for those qualities (whether they are a great sense of humor, beautiful brown eyes, strong shoulders, honesty, compassion, kindness...oh, the list goes on and on--people are so wonderfully complex!) in other men who are at the stage of their lives where they are open to forming a couple's bond.

[justjoanie]

I agree, it's time to walk away and just forget about it.
If you ended up with this guy, you would spend many years living mom's life. My daughter figured that out and broke up with her fiance'.
I like what IceCreamKid said. Look for the qualities you love in other men. there are still a few good ones out there.
JJ