can some things not be changed?

Are there just some parts of your personality that are so deep that they can't be changed? A couple of years ago I came upon some of my report cards from preschool (4 years old). One phrase on it I remember was "watcher not a joiner." To paraphrase the rest it basically said despite their best efforts they could not get me to join social groups. I'm now 27 and absolutely nothing has changed. I am completely incapable to join groups. Now, I can interact with people one on one and in small, controlled groups, but when people want to go out I can't handle it. I don't feel comfortable at bars, I don't like parties, I can not handle dancing (even writing the word makes me jittery). I'm a new graduate student and that's what people want to do, it's what they enjoy. I just can't do it and it makes me feel absolutely awful. Once again I'm a misfit, and I don't think it's ever going to change.

You know what's really funny about this is public speaking is no problem. Performing in front of people isn't a problem either. I'm going to be teaching some classes in a couple of weeks and it's not making me nervous at all, actually I'm looking forward to it. All it is is interacting socially.

Is it hopeless? It sure seems that way.

I disagree . . . it's not "hopeless" . . . If you WANT to change something about your personality, like being sociable, then you can change and be more sociable, but it takes practice.

I'm assumming you are an introvert. There's nothing wrong with being an introvert.

Sometimes be sociable is no different than public speaking or dancing or teaching. They are all just roles played. So you prefer wearing certain hats? It doesn't make you a "misfit" . . . it's called being an individual and it's what diversity is all about.

I agree with Jennie. I am a bit like you. I hate groups. My parents always sent me to some vacation camp. I hated it and did my best to be obnoxious to be sent home. I like small groups as well. I love dancing, but I avoid going to parties with other people's car because I want to be able to leave anytime (usually pretty early). I am comfortable teaching because in a way it is anonymous.
Is that wrong ? Why should it be ? Why do we have to be all the same ?
Look at the bright side. You are not a follower. You will never jump over a cliff just because everybody else is doing it.

Hi John,
Believe it or not I get social phobic in the "3d" world, but yet everything else that you mentioned fits my son, husband, and me, so do you think that makes us misfits?
Nah, John you are not a misfit, everyone is different in
the way they approach relationships with others. My son can socialize easier with someone who plays an instrument, or is into literature,things related to the,world music, arts,philosophy,psychology(his major) but not with sports, sport, and competitive things. He hated Tae Kwon Do (spg) we only sent him to help be less likely to be beat by the bullies, he did well but was never aggressive. He still lives home, commutes to college, socializes with kids, and just like in HS, only kept friends at school, never after school get togethers,parties,etc. What helped him socialize was being in the HS band, which he was afraid to join, but one of his teacher's encouraged him (he was new to the school and kids, we had moved here then) it was a good decision he made, got out and was with other kids.
But he still remains to himself, maybe in college he'll meet some kids that he relates to better due to taking courses of the same interest, who knows?
I have problem with meeting up and going out with other women for lunchs or whatever, so I always decline with some excuse, what I fear I have no idea, cause I like the people that have wanted to get together, but I just can't do it.
My pdoc said it is social phobia, I laughed cause once I know someon and feel comfortable, I can talk their ears off, strange, eh? That is great that you are able to stand up and teach classes, etc. that just may be a begining, eh? I attribute my son's shyness or whatever the proper term, to his 8 horrible years of grammar school, picked on for everything practically, many bullies, he was happy when we had to relocate (hubby's job) he loved his 4yrs of HS, the kids were so nice to him, many said he is a great kid, even some of his band classmates would say that to me after their band practices.
He claims he is happy the way things are with him, well, I hope so. John, was your family extroverts or introverts? I think things like that too come into this too. My son may be that way due to the fact my husband and I very rarely socialize with other people, and it isn't cause we are snobs, we just are comfortable like that, I guess or maybe him and I have become too lazy? ha!ha!
I may just babbling here, but I hope you will become more comfortable, don't be so hard on yourself, or pressured.
I know what makes it hard for my son, is that he is not into parties,drinking,smoking, and sex,the things young people get into, so finding what he feels is the "right people" is hard for him, so he doesn't go out of his way either. He is comfortable to stay home after school.
I guess I am lucky, but I hope he is happy or if not willing to talk about it all. John, I think by you coming here can help, also if you feel up to it, talk to a counsellar/therapist, it may help.
Yes a lot of things can stick with us from childhood, I think it is something that is part of us, our very own being. The environment we grow up in at home and outside of it. Our parents, sort of show us the path (not literally) we begin, and that is were some personality traits come from, I'm sure.
I think you are fine, and you are going to do great with college and after. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself.
Sincerely,
DE

(((((((((((( John )))))))))))))))))

I apologize for such a lengthy reply.

I can relate, John. I'm very much an introvert in social situations, but I have no problem at all getting in front of a group -- I do it all the time. As for what your preschool teachers wrote...well, those folks are far from infallible. They - and the rest of my grade school teachers - deemed me permanently deficient in language. Yet somehow I tested out of my first two years of college composition class and I now work on important writing projects at work.

It sounds like you're an introvert, too. Nothing wrong with that. The world just tends to reward extroverts. I don't think many people truly change from introverts into extroverts or vice versa, but that doesn't mean you can't work on some things. You talk about going to bars with classmates, for example. You say that you're uncomfortable there. That's okay. As long as you're not so terrified that you can't even get in the car. Try going, even though you're uncomfortable. Maybe you'll get more comfortable with it?

[Performing in front of people isn't a problem either. I'm going to be teaching some classes in a couple of weeks and it's not making me nervous at all, actually I'm looking forward to it. All it is is interacting socially.

Is it hopeless? It sure seems that way. ]

I think Jennie has hit on this. It is a performance when you stand at the front of the room and teach. At least for you it is. When faced with real life, there is no script. There is no program, there is no control over it. Anything can happen, good stuff and the bad stuff. So what are you expecting? What are you afraid of? Actually having a good time? If you did unexpectedly have a good time, do you feel guilty about it? Is it possible that this anxiety comes from not wanting people to get too close to you? What will a person see in your eyes if they manage to? Deep, wounding pain or a hurt, scared little child? When you find out why and where this comes from, you just might find the freedom you desire.

I believe that all things can be changed if the person wants to and works at it. I too was a watcher not a joiner. in fact someone looked at me I'd cry. If someone told me back before 1990 that I would testify in the governors task force or be a survivors advocate speaking in public I would have told them the phone numbers of various therapy agencys so they could get help for their delusionary thoughts.