Distant, Reserved & Unattached Style of Relating

I am like this. Is anyone else like this? I notice I never stick around to get to know people well. I come and go, like the wind, only, not as fast. I do it because I don't want to get close to people because they might hurt me and I don't want to dissapoint them/burden them when I get a bit mental. It's also because I enjoy meeting new people too much.

Anyone else have this style of relating to others? Tell me how it came about and why you do it.

Hi ~ I think your MAIN reason is you don't want to get hurt. But we have to take chances or we'll never have friends. EVER. All of us take that chance when we meet someone new. We have to make ourselves kind of vulnerable. Not everyone is going to like us -- and we have to realize that. But if we're kind and respectful, chances are people WILL like us. If we stick around and make sure we smile at people and look them in the eye when we're talking to them, there's a GOOD chance that they'll like us.

I don't do well in crowds. If there's a whole lot of people around, I get a bit mental myself. I just can't handle too many people. But if it's a small group with several people -- I'm okay. Maybe if you tried it with smaller groups of people, it wouldn't be so hard.

Having friends is an important part of life. Just try not to come on as being "too needy." That may frighten people and drive them away. I wish you the very best of luck. Now you and I are friends!! Take care. Hugs, Lee

(((Sophia)))

Leed put it very well. I think that your (and my) main reason is to avoid the pain.

I have always been that way. Ever since I was a tiny girl, made very few friends. When I did make friends, though, it was for life. Even still, there are parts of myself that I have only revealed to a couple of people in my entire life. And that's been in the last year or so. Those couple of people are professionals ~ not friends, and certainly not family.

I have never enjoyed meeting new people (unless I was drunk!). I have always been socially inhibited, probably due to frequent moving throughout childhood. Instead, I am "closed off" until I somewhat trust the person. Then, I slowly let out little bits of my personality. I do not go deep at all in almost all of my relationships. I typically get freaked out the closer one gets to my inner self, and I have to resist the urge to run. I'm not a teen anymore. I can't just get up and leave every relationship anymore.

I'm therefore very careful on how much I will reveal and to who I will reveal these thoughts (feelings and personality traits). I won't say anything, but my bf can feel me close up emotionally. Like a clam.

Thanks for asking this question Sophia. I have been asking myself that the last few days too. And thank you to those who responded.

My take on it is also that we have this style of communication because we want to avoid pain. Added to that is your life circumstances - like how you said you moved a lot Sophia. I love to meet new people and be social, however I never allow someone to get close to me, and if I start to let someone in I never follow through with the relationship. I keep it at arm's length by not responding.

I grew up with a mother who viewed depression as nonexsistent. She was and is very judgemental. For me, I believe this is why I am scared to have close relationships - afraid the other person will judge me and not lilke me in the end.

So I think like the old saying goes, "face your fears". Very hard, but we have to start somewhere.

Yes, this. This sounds like something I'd feel.

I can definitely relate. I keep everyone at arm's length. It's how I was raised and it feels safe. I also moved alot....thirteen times in as many years as a child. Not very fufilling since I seem unable to fully grasp unconditional love. It's like something you can smell it but can't taste.

I know love is out there because I've seen it from a distance, I've felt it for brief moments, and I believe through faith it exists. My prayers go out to all of us who live this way. We are loved.

Thank you for posting this question, Sophia. It makes me think. And the follow-up posts are really good too. Me, I have had so many bad interactions with people, over so long a length of time, it's led me to think about what I guess would be another element to the problem of "other people pain."

I would guess that all of us have internalized, unconscious ideas about what other people are like and what relationships are like. We absorb that from mom before we can talk. If we've had bad experiences with mom as a baby, our basic internal picture or idea of other people can be totally off base or just non-existent. I think that's why I stay away from people, and why I've been rejected so many times, time out of mind.

So maybe it's not JUST fear of pain, but also simply confusion as to what to do. If you were babied right, you've got the map of a relationship, but if not, it's a blank, or a wrong map that only gets you rejection from normal people.
Hope this helps.

I'm like this with my romantic relationships. I've been horribly abused and traumatized by men, so I tend to be pretty distant and cold and afraid to get close to anyone. =(

My first instinct whenever any man shows interest is to run like hell. I'm too much of a mental eff-up for them to really accept me, so I just bail on them so that I do the rejecting, not them.