ANYONE, please read and help!

First time posting. I'm glad I found this forum!
I don't know if my husband has a mental illness. We have been married 20 years and it has gotten progressively worse. He has acquired much debt and is getting worse. Just last year, we lost our home and filed bankruptcy. Already, he's accumulated over $20,000 of debt! He is self-employed and his occupation (life insurance salesman) has not been able to meet our financial obligations. (I work full time) He refuses to look for other work even part time just to compensate for the lack of his full time job. He promises that he will do better and lives in denial that he has any problems! Just last week he let me know that he had many outstanding checks and his account was overdrawn. He now owes $600 in bank fees! This is an endless cycle! I feel like leaving him, perhaps jolting him to reality and hoping he gets help. We argue constantly and I am convinced something is definitely wrong with him, yet I haven't a clue what kind of disorder it could be. He refuses to be an 'employee' elsewhere because he won't submit to authority nor 'punch the clock.' HELP!!

Hi! Glad you posted here and welcome to the forums! So sorry to hear of your troubles with your husband. Sounds like things are at their worst. I really don't have a lot of advice on what is wrong with your husband because I don't know all about him except for how he acts in terms of finances and work which is poor, obviously. I once left a man to try and shock him into "sanity" but if backfired on me-he never changed and we never got back together. So, I've learned not to threaten things unless I am willing to go through with them and suffer the consequences (possibly a huge amount of grief). I learned the hard way. Actually, though, my life has improved in many ways without him but I suffered a lot first from the loss. I haven't met another guy yet that I think will be right for me. In my experience people do not usually change unless they are willing to change and work toward it. Often the help of a good therapist will be needed. I hope he will be willing to go. If you really want to leave him for good if he doesn't change, you could tell him that if he does not get help with you that you can't take it any more and will have to leave. And that you need and deserve a better life. That is if you have made up your mind to leaving and will go through with it and can live with whatever consequences may happen. But I must tell you that when I left mine he found someone else. If you still want to be married to him and think there is some hope I would not leave. All I can suggest is that the two of you seek a good therapist and explain your situation and perhaps you can get some answers. I think couples therapy would be excellent so you can work things out together and you can get a good understanding of what is wrong and what needs to be done. It will also help him to see how he is effecting you. Financial counseling may be helpful in addition. I hope you can get some resolve to this and wish you much luck.

<font color=red>HAPPY</font color=red> <font color=green>HOLIDAYS!</font color=green>

Have you thought of getting a job to help out? Just a thought. I don`t know you so I don`t know your situation.

Questions for you (no need to answer):

Do you and your husband have the same bank account? Could you check his checking account, daily (most banks have a number to check balances, debits and credits)? Could he be placed on a strict budget with a limited amount of funds to access? Could you arrange with the bank to better monitor or limit his transactions?

Is he "having an affair" and spending the money on someone else? Is he using the money to purchase illegal substances or porn? Is he a chronic user of alcohol?

My dad sounds just like your husband, recently he went and bought a motorbike, 4 new expensive tyres and a 4 wheeler, we have a car that hardly even works and our back and front garden needs doing up a little bit. The thing is my dad didn't even tell my mum that he was going to buy all of these things, mum found out. When a relationship reaches this point the trust is gone. I dont mean to be rude, but do you know if your husband deals with drugs? Maybe this is the cause of his problems. Tell him that any money which he takes out of the bank account you will take the same amount out. It sounds like this man does have a problem. Maybe think about your marriage and where it is going, sit down and talk it through, maybe it will work out, maybe it wont.
Goodbye and Goodluck
May God Bless you
Sarah