[Soul Quake]

They are really horrible people. The female is his ex, and the male is her now fiance. Initially we would all get together every so often, but I quickly became uncomfortable being in the presence of an ex, knowing what her and my boyfriend once shared. I told my boyfriend this, said maybe I'd be able to deal with it down the road. He was disappointed, but I didn't think it was fair to me to be put in such an awkward position.

Moving onto the present...
These two have been giving my boyfriend the cold shoulder for months with no explanation. He would ask to get together, they declined. The ex deleted him from her facebook as a passively aggressive person would do. Yesterday my boyfriend sent a text to the guy asking if they would hang out, they said no. I'm unaware of the exact words that were exchanged, but my boyfriend asked what was going on, and they stated that they didn't want to hang out anymore due to my discomfort (strange - my discomfort showed itself when -I- was in her presence, not when my boyfriend was in the presence of her), that they weren't really friends anyway, and some other issues.

My boyfriend replied with a civil text, saying he understood, and that it's unfortunate they are no longer friends. Now at this point I'm not sure if he asked what the other issues were, or how that came about, but the guy responded with:
"We don't really like you anyway. You're kind of a tool."

I can't believe the callousness of these people. My boyfriend has been nothing but nice to them, never did anything hurtful to them, has tried to maintain a friendship, now this. How undeserving.

If they were decent people, instead of taking him off facebook and basically ignoring him, they should have just told him that the friendship was over. They were friends for years and have been through a lot. You don't treat a person like this.

And what's strange is the mention of their supposed concern for my feelings - what about concern for my boyfriend's feelings, who's being called names unjustly?

I just feel really bad for my boyfriend having to put up with this. It's one thing to end a years long friendship, it's another to have the other party insult you. My stomach has been racked with anxiety since this happened.

[Leed]

Well, they probably got their feelings hurt when you asked your boyfriend to stay away from them for YOU. I don't know what your boyfriend told them as to the reason why he couldn't hang with them any longer because you didn't want to be around his ex -- but I'm sure it didn't sit well with them. And now you wonder why they don't want to hang around the two of you?? You must have a clue!!

They aren't going to come running back to the two of you just because you say everything is fine and dandy!! You hurt their feelings!! I don't blame them for being cool and distant. It's going to take quite a while to get them to warm up ~ and they may NEVER as long as you're in the picture. Who knows.

It's a shame your boyfriend had to lose his long-time friends because you didn't want to be around his ex. You could have been a little more grown up and just tolerated her. She wasn't out to get your man. But it's all over now. It's not their fault. Sorry. Hugs, Lee

[Soul Quake]

Read my post again. My boyfriend is free to be around anyone he pleases - I don't control him. I had an issue being around HER. Read and comprehend.

[Perna]

I don't quite understand why you are anxious. I'd be sad for my boyfriend and the ending of his relationship but that is for him and how he feels about it to cope with. He may not be that concerned with being called names, if he isn't a "tool" then it shouldn't bother him. I'd like to have ex-friends act a bit nasty about breaking off the relationship when I didn't feel I had done anything wrong; it would show me better that the relationship was in fact finished and I would not feel as guilty than if someone just "stopped" and said it was over.

My DH and I had friends of 20+ years suddenly just not be friends five years ago under less than understandable circumstances and it still has me feeling like I must have done something wrong today, like there might have been something I could have done to change the situation. There's less closure if it just "ends" after all that time than if someone behaves badly?

[turquoisesea]

Hey there I understand some of what you're saying. I have issues thinking about my boyfriend's ex. Thankfully we live far away from her right now, but when I met him they were talking on the phone alot, without me knowing. And when I found out I got pretty upset, especially since inadvertantly it had been kept from me. The continuing friendship between my boyfriend and his ex then crashed and burned - my boyfriend stopped talking to her , even though I said he didn't have to (he cited a variety of reasons, I'm still not 100% on it). From what I heard she was not so nice about it. And I probably shouldn't have been shown some of the names she called me. Not so nice.

Really there's nothing we can do as current girlfriends of someone who has an ex to solve this. I mean, if we're not comfortable being around the exes we can't change that. They're our FEELINGS, and they are exes for a reason. These things happen. But it would be nice if neither side were nasty about it and a bit more understanding (both the ex and the current girlfriend/us). Sadly emotions tend to run high and as a result reactions tend to be a bit... extreme. Sorry this happened to you, and hope it gets better

[Soul Quake]

Thanks for the response, Perna. I just feel so badly for my boyfriend and the feelings are manifesting themselves as anxiety. Even though he's not a tool, the fact that they are resorting to name calling when my boyfriend has been decent to them is hurtful. Maybe I'm taking this worse than him. :/

He values his friendships very highly, and they were the only close ones in the area.

turquoisesea, thank you for the personal account. I appreciate you understanding and validating my feelings concerning not wanting to be around the ex.

[sundog]

Hi (((((((Soul Quake)))))) It's good to see you again. I'm sorry you're so anxious about this. I just want to say that I can totally relate to you not wanting to hang out with your boyfriend's ex. I'm the exact same way. To be honest, I also wouldn't be comfortable with my husband hanging out with his ex, regardless of whether I was there or not.

From what you say here of their behavior, it sounds like your BF's ex and her fiance are the "tools". I'm sorry it came down to this

[Perna]

You all should go out as a couple and make another couple friends. The sitcoms have shows about that and make it look stupid/funny ("King of Queens" comes to mind) but think of something the two of you like to do together or ways you naturally are together and join a group of like-minded people?

It's hard when one suddenly loses friends, so easy to think one may be at "fault" but if the other people break it off, it's their doing, no matter what was "wrong" with you according to them. I don't have any problems with my husband's ex-wife or other, previous girlfriends, he's with me and I am secure in his love for me, know I like his ex-wife better than he does as a matter of fact :-)

[RomanSunburn]

Hey Soul Quake,

I just wanted to let you know that I understand your situation and completely understand your feelings. I would have reacted the same way about hanging out with my fiance's ex's, especially one in particular who was really horrible to him.

I personally think you are both better off without these people in your lives. I agree with Perna; you should try to make some new "couple" friends. We have one couple that we're in a bowling league with. Perhaps you could check meetup.com for some couple groups or start hanging out with people from work. Or try taking a class together.

Again, I really think you shouldn't let these people bother you. They truly aren't worth your energy. I think it is absolutely foolish of them to take offense that the new girlfriend doesn't want to hang out with the old. I can understand the well of emotion that this whole situation has you going through, but I really think you should try to keep yourself busy so neither of you dwell on this.

Good luck!