[Martina]

I often feel like my husband and I are only together for our daughter. We both love her deeply and want what's best for her, and we're good at parenting as a couple.

But we have sex about once a YEAR now, and not only that, but to get any sort of affection out of him is like heavy labor. One time he didn't kiss me right away when I tried to kiss him, and I said "why do I have to work so hard to get a kiss?" Then a few minutes later, he accidentally dropped a Hershey's kiss on the floor, and then pushed me aside so I couldn't get it....to which I said again - "why do I have to work so hard for a kiss?" and he just laughed.

I know my mental issues wear on him a lot. He has supported me through a lot of crap, and that means a lot. But sometimes I wonder if he just feels obligated to help me.

I can already see what's going to happen to us. 12 years from now our daughter will go off to college, and we will probably wind up divorced. If not sooner. But without her in our lives, we have no purpose. Our lives revolve around her.

When I brought up the suggestion of an exotic cruise or trip to Hawaii for our 10th anniversary - in 2015 - if I keep the weight off (in the middle of losing 100 pounds), his first suggestion was a Disney Cruise, and bring our then 10 year old daughter along with. That wasn't my idea...

I do love him, and at times I can tell he loves me. But it's brother-sister love. Not lover love.

How do we get it back?

[Leed]

I would think that "dating" again would HELP to get it back again. You could make reservations in a nice restaurant and after dinner, maybe see a movie ~ after the movie, perhaps take a ride -- you never know where you might find a place to "park.." LOL Actually, it might just be safer in your own driveway. LOL When you get home, you might have some champagne cooling ~ and have a drink before bedtime. Before bedtime, you could put on some music and dance a couple of times.

Keep having "dates." It might help. Just a suggestion. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

It sounds like there's not much communication, not much to go on as to how he's feeling about the relationship? I couldn't tell if he might be feeling bad in himself, not sure of himself in some way/for some reason, or if he's feeling resentful of helping you in your illness and burnt out or what.

I would look for things he likes/wants and go along with those and start conversations from there. My husband has an injured foot and it feels better when I massage his foot and he'll do just about anything in return if I will massage his foot :-) Too, we are in the car a lot together, grocery shop together, etc. and there's opportunity then to talk about things.

The Hershey Kiss incident makes me think he "knows" there's a problem but just doesn't know how to talk about it? It was cute the double, "why do I have to work so hard to get a kiss?" A little troubling that he didn't relent and throw you a Kiss or something. I might have gone to him and done a little wrestling, tickling him and playing "dirty" to get that Kiss from him? A conversation could have come from there?

If I were in your shoes, I think I might want to get a little more insistent and hands-on. Let him know how you feel in a comfortable, non-accusatory manner and see if you can't coax out of him what is going on with him? If your illness has made it difficult for you to respond to him in the past, could be he's a bit burnt out with trying and not getting anywhere? I would maybe initiate hugs and little pats on his back, etc., try to get closer to him rather than wait for him to come to you?

[danvb]

Martina,

I suspect that if your husband is interested in "getting it back", he isn't aware of it...

Sex once a year... Doesn't show you affection... Avoiding your advances... Displays a cold or mocking attitude towards you...

I dunno... but what pops into my little pea brain is: "I wonder if this guy has another woman on the side? I'm certainly seeing a lot of red flags in your post!!"

If he doesn't have another woman, it takes a lot more than your desire to make the relationship work. It takes open and clear communication and the active and willing participation of BOTH partners. Do you honestly see that happening in the future? Do you think your husband is capable of making that sort of change... or the desire to do so?

Listen to your intuition. It's speaking the truth to you. You summed up your relationship in the first sentence of your post.

I often feel like my husband and I are only together for our daughter.

And:

I can already see what's going to happen to us. 12 years from now our daughter will go off to college, and we will probably wind up divorced. If not sooner. But without her in our lives, we have no purpose. Our lives revolve around her.

Martina, are you hearing yourself???

I don't think I would go out of my way to baby him and coax him into showing you the affection and love that you deserve. Those things are naturally a part of a healthy marriage. You shouldn't have to beg for something that he should be sharing willingly, freely and generously.

You have some tough decisions to make.

I wish you happiness and the very best,

Dan

[shezbut]

(((martina)))

I really would recommend that you two work with a marital counselor to help you work through issues that are currently dividing you. It is terrific that you make a great team in caring for your daughter ~ that is very important for her emotional health.

Open communication is vital to a healthy marriage. Working on re-developing that with your hub has to be #1. With that said, it can take time and devotion. Meaning: there will still be some rough days in between. Don't give up when they come though. Just keep trying. As long as both you and your husband are willing to work in re-developing a healthy and happy marriage, it is worth the time and pain. When you get through it, your bond will be deeper than ever ~ that's the goal that you aim towards, and keep in mind as you work.

I wish you and your hub the best.