[ChipmunkGal]

I don't even know where to begin....another ongoing issue with my marriage that has reached a new level. My husband FINALLY admitted after 6 months of my suspicions and constant questioning that he is STILL TO THIS DAY in love with his ex girlfriend from 10 years ago and he acknowledges that there is nothing that I can do about it. He says I need to "take it or leave it". He is no longer fully denying it or trying to hide the severity of his obsession with her. He has admitted that he idolizes her and puts her on a pedestal and that I can't compare to her. She is currently married and lives in Japan. They haven't spoken in 10 years but he says he still thinks about her all the time. He says that when we met, he thought that I was a "reincarnation" of her and that he resented me more and more as he got to know me when he realized that I was not like her at all. Im devastated and heart broken. Why can't I win? Why won't he choose me? We are going to marriage counseling and our counselor has told him to let her go. He says he will (he lies to our counselor) and he tells me directly that he can't and won't give up on her. He accuses me of trying to "control" him by "forcing" him to choose between her or me. He says it's "my fault" for making him choose her over me (because he says I complain too much and she never complained about anything he did). I've tried everything I can imagine to get him to see that I am worthwhile but I keep losing. She seems to always win. I feel like this is an affair that he has with her (even though they arent even interacting). I dont know what to do. My self esteem is down to zero and I feel helpless. this is awful but I feel so lonely that Im considering looking for another man myself so I can feel like Im really a good catch. Maybe I am pathetic? Maybe she is better?

[lynn P.]

(((ChipmunkGal)) - I'm sorry you're suffering. Sorry to make this short but he's not worth a long post lol. The problem isn't you, it's him. It has nothing to do with you being good enough or her being better. He one messed up dude and if I were you I wouldn't waste any more time and file for divorce. Since you written other threads about his other problems and the way he verbally abuses, it's time to cut your losses. It's not you, it's him.

[Nola22]

As far as I'm concerned, ChipmunkGal, there should be no competition, winners, or losers at this point as you and your husband are in a committed relationship, and he should be here, in the present with you, while looking towards a future together. His insistence on venerating his past to the point of torturing you is reprehensible and pathetic, and I get the impression he enjoys watching you scramble to make sense of an unresolvable situation he's engineered for his own pleasure. I'm not sure how long you've been married, by what means you initially realized his long-standing feelings for someone he cannot have, or for how long he's been toying with you, but his game playing surely must stop.

One strategy you may want to consider employing is allowing him to have his sad little obsession without any reaction from you for awhile. This approach is not for the faint of heart, as it will require you to rein in your feelings and control your reactions to his machinations. When he attempts to draw comparisons between you and his ancient ex, you could make nonchalant remarks such as "Yes, you've told me that, honey," and go about your business or change the subject to something banal. If he realizes he can't get a rise out of you anymore, he may stop. Or, he may paper your garage with pictures of her, one cannot be sure. I realize this is a controversial way of approaching the problem, akin to allowing a child to gorge themselves on cookies until they get a stomach ache, or letting a kid flail around and have their tantrum until they're spent, but it may buy you some time and offer you some perspective also, as to whether you wish to continue in this relationship with a partner who isn't emotionally invested.

His ex is NOT better than you; she's another human being who is living her life independent of your husband and has nothing to do with your lives except for his inability to let her go and then blame you for it. You are NOT pathetic--you've been given unreasonable and unattainable standards to live up to, and you have the option not to participate in that morass and cultivate your own set of quality standards by which you abide. I am so sorry for all the sadness, anxiety, and frustration with which you seem to be dealing, and I hope you are able to fight your way out of this.

Best of luck to you, ChipmunkGal--I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

[EvilPopTart]

Don't be the consolation prize. If counselling isn't working then it's probably time to let go. He's told you that you can't compare to her. Don't waste your life hoping that he'll change, you might miss an opportunity to be with someone that isn't pining for another woman he can't have.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

I don't even know where to begin....another ongoing issue with my marriage that has reached a new level. My husband FINALLY admitted after 6 months of my suspicions and constant questioning that he is STILL TO THIS DAY in love with his ex girlfriend from 10 years ago and he acknowledges that there is nothing that I can do about it. He says I need to "take it or leave it". He is no longer fully denying it or trying to hide the severity of his obsession with her. He has admitted that he idolizes her and puts her on a pedestal and that I can't compare to her. She is currently married and lives in Japan. They haven't spoken in 10 years but he says he still thinks about her all the time. He says that when we met, he thought that I was a "reincarnation" of her and that he resented me more and more as he got to know me when he realized that I was not like her at all. Im devastated and heart broken. Why can't I win? Why won't he choose me? We are going to marriage counseling and our counselor has told him to let her go. He says he will (he lies to our counselor) and he tells me directly that he can't and won't give up on her. He accuses me of trying to "control" him by "forcing" him to choose between her or me. He says it's "my fault" for making him choose her over me (because he says I complain too much and she never complained about anything he did). I've tried everything I can imagine to get him to see that I am worthwhile but I keep losing. She seems to always win. I feel like this is an affair that he has with her (even though they arent even interacting). I dont know what to do. My self esteem is down to zero and I feel helpless. this is awful but I feel so lonely that Im considering looking for another man myself so I can feel like Im really a good catch. Maybe I am pathetic? Maybe she is better?

Of course she doesn't complain. For all intents and purposes, she's imaginary--she's a fantasy he's built in his head and he controls YOU with his nonsense about HER. I would tell the marriage counselor what you have said here and then I wouldn't mention her to hubby ever again. You're a unique individual with your own gifts and flaws and the sooner your immature husband figures that out, the better it will be for both of you. Your self-esteem shouldn't depend on your husband, or another man. Build it inside yourself. Don't base it on looks (they fade) or sex appeal (it can disappear). Base it on the skills and talents you possess and if you don't possess any, learn some and on your character (keep it good by not cheating) and the knowledge that you can be a loving, giving individual with or without the man you married.

[ChipmunkGal]

Thank you everyone. Im reading and rereading your responses over and over. I appreciate your kind words.

[marjan]

Originally Posted by ChipmunkGal

Thank you everyone. Im reading and rereading your responses over and over. I appreciate your kind words.

He's the one in fault not you....I think you should let him go and he will realize that what he missed....
I'm wondering why they broke up? I bet you once you leave him, he starts fantasizing about you and tell about you to every single girls.....
Life is so short to fight and stay miserable in a relationship.....