[Nola22]

Do you believe in the concept of soul mates?

Have you had one? Are you with yours now?

Do you think a person could be allotted more than one soul mate in his/her life?

Thank you for any insight you provide. Here's to love for all who want it.

[bebop]

I do believe in soul mates and had one at one time. alcohol took him from me though. not sure if you can have more than one though. if so I haven't found it. yet

Long live the new marriage! We once prized the institution for the practical pairing of a cash-producing father and a home-building mother. Now we want it all—a partner who reflects our taste and status, who sees us for who we are, who loves us for all the "right" reasons, who helps us become the person we want to be. We've done away with a rigid social order, adopting instead an even more onerous obligation: the mandate to find a perfect match. Anything short of this ideal prompts us to ask: Is this all there is? Am I as happy as I should be? Could there be somebody out there who's better for me? As often as not, we answer yes to that last question and fall victim to our own great expectations.

That somebody is, of course, our soul mate, the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship. The reality is that few marriages or partnerships consistently live up to this ideal. The result is a commitment limbo, in which we care deeply for our partner but keep one stealthy foot out the door of our hearts. In so doing, we subject the relationship to constant review: Would I be happier, smarter, a better person with someone else? It's a painful modern quandary. "Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate," says Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/21758

[sundog]

Hi (((((Nola)))))

I think it depends what people understand by the term soul mate. If it is understood as some kind of once in a lifetime "perfect match", then I don't personally believe in that. If the term is understood to mean someone who you love deeply - imperfections and all - and who loves you back and with whom you are in a committed relationship, then I do believe in that.

I am married to a wonderful man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. We do have our issues and we've had some struggles, but we've been married almost 10 years and I hope we will stay together forever, warts and all.

However, I have been in love with other men, and my husband has been in love with other women (I'm talking about before we met each other). So I don't personally believe in the concept that there is only one person in your lifetime that you can ever truly love.

I do think you can have more than one "soul mate" (though preferably not at the same time!!!! )

[Leed]

My first marriage was long term, but really was a disaster. We had little in common, and he was a jerk. I didn't have the maturity to know what I wanted when i got married. I came from a HIGHLY dysfunctional home -- so of course my own marriage was dysfunctional too. It finally ended in divorce.

Years later I found a wonderful man -- a man that I would NEVER have thought would want ME. He was the most gentle, patient, compassionate, understanding & serene man I'd ever met - and yet he was as strong as a horse. We "dated" for 7+ years and finally married - and YES I think he was my soul mate -- we knew each others' thoughts. We finished each others sentences! I swear, it was a match made in heaven. Tragically, months after we were married, we found out he had terminal cancer ~ and he died 12 days before our first anniversary. But I'm SO grateful for the years I had with him. He really WAS my soul mate.

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by bebop

I do believe in soul mates and had one at one time. alcohol took him from me though. not sure if you can have more than one though. if so I haven't found it. yet

I'm sorry that alcohol took your soul mate, bebop. My heart goes out to you. I lost a soul mate unexpectedly when he was young, and another to his own foolishness and fear. Of course, I made mistakes in both relationships, but fear certainly wasn't the means by which I dealt with the second one. So I guess I must believe we are allotted more than one soul mate, but doubt and newfound fear interfere with that belief from time to time...

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/21758

That is a very interesting passage from the article, Byzantine, thank you for sharing it. I shall check out the link in a short while.

I wonder how much of the inclination to keep thinking above, around, and outside one's marriage or committed relationship for a "better" option is potentially linked to our seemingly never-ending tumbling forward in dissatisfaction with ourselves, not our partner? Or an inability to mitigate those subjective and suspected inadequacies, so much so that the onus of perfection falls on the nearest possible target, one's mate? People shop for things they do not need for the same reasons.

I have no personal expectations of relationship bliss--I never have. I had to learn a great deal about acceptance and hone my adaptability skills in order to enjoy the relationships I've been fortunate enough to have. Sure, a bit of anxiety about whether or not my boyfriend at a given time was for me crept into my consciousness...but not to the extent I felt the relationship was not worth pursuing, or he was "less than" x, y, or z. Those feelings were minimal, and dismissed appropriately so the relationships could progress.

Hints of spring always tug at my heart, so I guess I've got love on my mind...

[salukigirl]

I don't really believe in soul mates. And if I did....it wouldn't necessarily be for a life partner. I consider my friends that have always been there for me and I know we could go years without talking and, if I needed them, they would jump to me with help. Those people I consider my soul mates.

If you can find a partner of the gender you are attracted to that fits into that soul mate category.....congrats. But I think it's pretty hard to come by.

Not to mention people grow and change. Who is your 'soul mate' today might not be in 10 years. It's a relationship like any other and none are perfect. And if you go through life wanting that soul mate feeling....you will never be satisfied.

I believe in soul mates.I believe that some relations are meant to be portioned to us for a lifetime,,,others for a time.I believe people enter and retreat from our lives to serve a function of growth process in the tapestry of our lives.Some move on to their other purposes........I do not feel a soul mate needs to be a lover.........that's my two cents...~W~

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by sundog

Hi (((((Nola)))))

I think it depends what people understand by the term soul mate. If it is understood as some kind of once in a lifetime "perfect match", then I don't personally believe in that. If the term is understood to mean someone who you love deeply - imperfections and all - and who loves you back and with whom you are in a committed relationship, then I do believe in that.

I am married to a wonderful man. I love him very much and I know he loves me. We do have our issues and we've had some struggles, but we've been married almost 10 years and I hope we will stay together forever, warts and all.

However, I have been in love with other men, and my husband has been in love with other women (I'm talking about before we met each other). So I don't personally believe in the concept that there is only one person in your lifetime that you can ever truly love.

I do think you can have more than one "soul mate" (though preferably not at the same time!!!! )

What a beautiful post, sundog--a nexus of hopeful expectations and real-life experience, romance and practicality--thank you so much.

I think perhaps the idealized, universe-given notion of a soul mate may belong to the honeymoon stages of a relationship, and the type of soul mate you've described, one who is loved with great depth and accepted with all his/her shortcomings is the one with whom a lifetime is possible. I do feel that "cosmic alignment" one may feel when still slack jawed and swooning helps me maintain a belief in soul mates, but I am a softy and a romantic, so I'm kind of obligated in that regard. But I'm not in love with love itself, and enjoy the progression of the relationship into a true partnership, one worth sharing and helping grow and thrive.

Your marriage sounds so loving and wonderful, to say the least, and I wish you the transcendent eternity together you both most certainly deserve. ((((((((((sundog))))))))))))

To me a soul mate in the sense of one to the exclusion of all others is an adjunct to the belief each person has a preordained purpose in life. Not finding the right person or purpose relegates us to a life of frustration and dissatisfaction; one akin to the labor of Sisyphus. It also makes free will subservient to determinism.

Originally Posted by Nola22

Do you believe in the concept of soul mates?

No, I tend to avoid the fanciful and mystifying, instead taking a more pessimistic attitude toward partner compatibility. I was the best she could get. She was the best I could get. And we realized this at the same time.

~W~

[kteeny]

Love reading your posts! Your quotes are amazing. I'm trying to hold on to the concept in a relationship with a self distructive personality. It's so difficult. I'm a fighther and I know the person he can be under all the issues, but it's as if he choses to be miserable...It's as if I wish I could remove that dark cloud and see the sunshine that's there hiding in waiting.

[Nightside of Eden]

Yes, I believe my husband is my soul mate. I do sort of think us meeting was destiny too, because of how unlikely it was that we ever would meet. He's from London, I'm from Louisiana, and we literally ran into each other in a parking lot in Texas! Not likely ...

We have been together since the moment we met as well. 'Love at first sight' and all that. It has been 5 years since we met, 3 since we were married, and the feelings have intensified rather than diminishing.

Which doesn't mean it is easy. Probably the reason our relationship is so good, despite us both having emotional problems, is because we work SO hard at it. We have extremely good communication and always put the relationship ahead of everything else.

I think the reason so many relationships fail is because one or both people are unable or unwilling to learn how to really communicate their deepest feelings. My husband is unusual among men in that he desperately wants to communicate and get any problem resolved as quickly as possible.

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by Leed

My first marriage was long term, but really was a disaster. We had little in common, and he was a jerk. I didn't have the maturity to know what I wanted when i got married. I came from a HIGHLY dysfunctional home -- so of course my own marriage was dysfunctional too. It finally ended in divorce.

Years later I found a wonderful man -- a man that I would NEVER have thought would want ME. He was the most gentle, patient, compassionate, understanding & serene man I'd ever met - and yet he was as strong as a horse. We "dated" for 7+ years and finally married - and YES I think he was my soul mate -- we knew each others' thoughts. We finished each others sentences! I swear, it was a match made in heaven. Tragically, months after we were married, we found out he had terminal cancer ~ and he died 12 days before our first anniversary. But I'm SO grateful for the years I had with him. He really WAS my soul mate.

Lee, I am so glad you and your second husband had the glorious years together you did, and that you shared such an intense, deep bond. I am terribly sorry about his loss. What happened to him and you both truly is tragic, as you'd said. I have no doubt you are a very strong, tenacious person from everything you've related in this post (and your other posts I've had the good fortune to read).

Please know people like you inspire hope and foster fortitude in me and others, I'm sure. A similar relationship to yours is something to which I aspire, though I must admit I've had two that made the grade already. Perhaps that's what worries me sometimes...that I've had my share and may be relegated to something merely acceptable, or nothing at all.

I'm sorry also for what you endured in your first marriage. I've read about it in your writing elsewhere on the forum, and I've cringed at the way your first husband treated you at times! I love when you kick butt around here, so to speak, and tell women they should not put up with similar conditions and to stand up for themselves. I guess when one is embroiled in a relationship that isn't conducive to one's well being it is often almost impossible to see things for what they are, and I really appreciate that you act as a beacon for people struggling in those circumstances. I wish I'd been able to avail myself of your perspective at certain junctures in my past, believe me!

All the best to you, Lee. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

[lynn P.]

When I was young and naive, I believed in the concept of 'soul mate'. I thought I found one, but it turns out I was dead wrong and now I wonder about the concept for the same reasons Byz mentioned. I think as young women some of us become enthralled in the 'fairlytale idea' of partnership.

The concept of finding a soul mate is a daunting concept. It's full of great expectations and pressures.....how does a person find the 'perfect fit' to be called the 'soul mate'. I also wonder how much is, realistic expectations and does this essentially doom us, in the end.

I wish I could beleive in it, but due to what's happened in my life the last 4 yrs, I wonder and feel quite pessimistic about relationships. Eventually the fireworks dicipate and we have to ask ourselves, what's left and is it good enough to keep going.

[A2FMUrs]

I read a children's book once...well actually several times...well gosh, I actually pass this book on to those that I have the insight to recognize who they are to me....The Little Soul and the Sun, by Neal Donald Walsch, author of Conversations with God.
I think I want to believe in Soul Mates...as though some contract was drawn up pre-birth, so we can remember "what kind of "special" we are...and we remember who we are to each other. There are so many lessons to love...one's soul mate does not need to be their spouse or significant other....
Don't you remember your parent(s) saying "Just wait until you have your own children"...well in part...my child is my soul mate....my point is, I think that deep, significant relationships choose to reflect the soul..both good and bad, but constant and enduring.
So I have several life relationships that are soul mates...in one way or another we made a contract to remember who we are to each other.....

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

I don't really believe in soul mates. And if I did....it wouldn't necessarily be for a life partner. I consider my friends that have always been there for me and I know we could go years without talking and, if I needed them, they would jump to me with help. Those people I consider my soul mates.

If you can find a partner of the gender you are attracted to that fits into that soul mate category.....congrats. But I think it's pretty hard to come by.

Not to mention people grow and change. Who is your 'soul mate' today might not be in 10 years. It's a relationship like any other and none are perfect. And if you go through life wanting that soul mate feeling....you will never be satisfied.

I think you raise a valid point, salukigirl, about the potential variety of soul mates, in that a soul mate does not necessarily have to be an individual with whom one is linked romantically. I remember talking to a therapist on a company help line who'd asked me something very similar: "Don't you believe soul mates come in many forms? How could you possibly have just the one?" I was very distraught when I'd spoken with her, so I agreed in a superficial capacity to keep the conversation going, but her words stuck with me. Deep bonds that resonate beyond the expectations of any given relationship certainly exist, so it's difficult to believe that romantic partnerships are the only realm in which the term soul mate is applicable.

That "soul mate feeling" to which you refer is possible, I believe, with a lot of hard work and dedication. That's not to say I don't realize that people change and relationships have their trying times, but that's where the effort comes in. I do think it's possible to maintain an abiding love for a partner through many, many years and keep a relationship intriguing in a worthwhile sense. Again, attentiveness, willingness, and hard work are the only way--and yes, I speak from experience.

Thank you for your perspective, salukigirl.

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

I believe in soul mates.I believe that some relations are meant to be portioned to us for a lifetime,,,others for a time.I believe people enter and retreat from our lives to serve a function of growth process in the tapestry of our lives.Some move on to their other purposes........I do not feel a soul mate needs to be a lover.........that's my two cents...~W~

wolfsong, I admire your ability to recognize and accept that certain relationships may be of an ephemeral nature for a reason, and that ideally they enhance our lives as they come and go. That is a shortcoming of mine, for sure--I have yet to master this skill, sometimes even in hindsight. I can languish over the hows and whys of the impermanence of these interactions, and find new and exciting ways to blame myself for their lack of continuity. I am learning, however, and I am grateful as it has heightened my appreciation of some of these relationships, and allowed me to forgive myself in the process.

Thank you for your two cents, wolfsong. Soul mates really seem to come in all shapes, sizes, and with a host of purposes.

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

To me a soul mate in the sense of one to the exclusion of all others is an adjunct to the belief each person has a preordained purpose in life. Not finding the right person or purpose relegates us to a life of frustration and dissatisfaction; one akin to the labor of Sisyphus. It also makes free will subservient to determinism.

I can understand the correlation you're making between a mate assigned by the cosmos, a deity, or even some bizarre mythological system to a predetermined existence, Byzantine, and understand your revulsion at the concept. I believe in free will also, however hypocritical that may make me seem as I've been advocating for belief in soul mates throughout this thread. For practical purposes, please allow me to clarify my personal stance on the matter, and it's one of a secular romantic. Perhaps I had been too inundated with fairy tales or pop culture goo growing up an American girl, but it's more likely the assignation of ethereality, poetry, and starlight to a feeling I know can be defined in very stark physiological terms, lending a convenient label to an ideal(ized) person. I realize this label has vast religious and mythological significations, and though they may not be a part of my personal beliefs, I do not begrudge those who make those connections, and I'm not implying you do either, as I am aware of the potentially dialectical nature of conversations on conviction. The aforementioned cultural connotations are part of the reason I was vague in the original line of questions, as I was curious how people would interpret them on a broader basis as well as a personal one.

Thank you, Byzantine, for your rational appraisal of my initial queries; I appreciate your insight and wisdom whenever I encounter them on the forum, and have great respect for what you've offered in this thread as well.

[SlatkaMala]

I dunno.

I think I had one when I was 19, but I was a dumbass and effed the whole thing up.

[Sunna]

I've got hooked on the idea of soul-contracts, more than a soul-mates in a traditional sense. In the soul-contract view any significant person you meet is your soul mate. A sad very drunken homeless guy who laid down in a middle of my biking trail, to, in his words, "give up" was a kind of brief soul-mate for me recently. Our souls did touch for a brief moment. For me it was a lesson in compassion.

With some souls we have a long term contracts. They help us grow through many years, and lessons, either by what we call "positive" or "negative" ways. There is a special feeling around these people, more than the others. Of course, this belief, as is nature of all beliefs, is unprovable, I just like it. I have "sensed" a soul-contract presence at all turning points of my life. A special person who came and helped me around the corner I was not going to make it around by myself. It may be just an illusion of perfect 20-20 hindsight. No matter

I am very wary of what I perceive popular culture dubs a "soul-mate", because I see it as an unrealistis shopping list of desired quantitites which we require and project onto our romantic prospects. I see this shadow version of soul-mate concept in online dating adds "Looking for my soul mate. She is 5'9", 135 lbs, has no baggage, likes to wear her hair long, looks as good in grubby jeans as in evening gown, has perfect mix of seriousness and irreverence, is confident and decisive, soft and feminine.. (etc)" Even if something like a match is found, it leads to unavoidable disappointment. An enduring love does not "just happen", because people are well matched. It's a fruit of work and dedication.

p.s.
My contrived quote of an add is not meant as male bashing. I am told by my male friend who reads them that many women's add are just as bad if not worse.

[A2FMUrs]

(((((Sunna)))) exactly what I was trying to say in my post earlier...ty for saying it better...

Nola....the Byzantine rocks...yes!?!....I sure think so.~W~I'd love to sit down at a country fair and listen to the byz reflect for hours lol.p.s...Byz...don't insert a minimization here.