We just had a clash. He has left the room to avoid a fight, when all that is really necessary to avoid that fight is for him to sit there and shut up, which he is apparently incapable of doing.

It started out so minor. We like to play at Pogo together, and there is a badge available in a game he has played often, but I am new to. He began teaching me how to play. I caught on quickly, but he continued to give me hints and tips I've stopped needing. After a short time, it started getting annoying. I tried all of the following:

*Telling him that when I am stuck, I will ask for help. (And then actually asking.)

*Explaining that I learn best by experimentation/trial and error, with minimal coaching.

*Pointing out that just because I do something different from the way he would do it, doesn't mean I'm wrong. (In fact, when I made a very good play, his response was a triumphant, "Yes! That's exactly how I would have done it!")

*Using an analogy, telling him that I will never learn to ride a bicycle on my own if he doesn't let go of the handlebars. (This prompted a puzzled, "You don't have a bicycle." )

*Telling him outright that he needs to let me make mistakes, so I can learn from them.

But he just cannot sit there in silence while I use a different strategy than he would use, or when I just plain goof up, in which case I would learn from it if he would allow me to do so. I've gotten to where I am consistently winning the game without his input, but he still has to run his mouth. I got frustrated and grumbled, "You just can't let me make mistakes, can you?" That's when he left the room. He didn't need to. He's welcome to sit here and watch me play, if he can stop with the over-coaching.

But he won't.

Can someone explain to me what's going on here?

[disguise123]

not sure. He cant controll his impulse to tell you what to do?
the bit that intersted me was when you used analogy , he interprted it literally.
Does he do that often?

^^Yes, actually.

I *am* pretty sensitive to being told what I already know, or offered help I don't need; it isn't just my husband. My first reaction in such a case is usually to think to myself (and sometimes say out loud) "I am NOT stupid, dammit."

Which usually gets a confused, "Of course not. Nobody thinks you're stupid."

In fact, hubby asked me tonight, "Who thinks you're stupid?" He assumes it is connected to my having been abused in the past. Which is a logical assumption, but I'm not sure that's all there is to it. I think I might give off some kind of "vibes" that make people think I'm a dummy in need of special help. I told my husband, in answer to his question, that anytime someone tells me what I already know, or steps in to "help" me without giving me a chance first, or hovers over me long after I'm doing fine on my own, the assumption is being made that I'm stupid. My logic is this: When an opportunity comes up to tell me something, I would want the other person to think, "Well, she seems to be a reasonably intelligent, competent woman. I'm sure she doesn't need me to tell her this basic, common-sense, elementary fact any typical four-year-old already knows, so I'll keep quiet." But the fact that they do not keep quiet and instead do tell me those basic, elementary facts suggests to me that the opposite is true. To that person I do *not* seem like a reasonably intelligent, competent woman. It follows, then, that they think I'm stupid.

And this has always bugged me. It's a lifelong struggle.

[disguise123]

hmmm i dont think hes seeing things the same way u do.
U may be a little sensative about being judged as unintelligent. I do this too.
Does your partner ever ''boss'' other people around too?

[Leed]

It sounds to me like he has a HUGE ego, and has to be "better than" everyone else. My ex was like this, and it drove me nuts. If we played in a Euchre tournament (card game) and I HAD to trump his card because all I HAD was trump -- he would LAY ME OUT and tell me how stupid I was, and how HE would have played the game. He'd do this while everyone in the place was staring at us.

You can just imagine what he'd do at home.

It just sounds like ego to me. I might be wrong.

Hubby is not generally domineering, although he admits that women in his past have accused him of being that. I can understand why they would. If I actually do want to start a fight, all I'd have to say is, "I want a dog." It doesn't matter how much I want one. We'll get one when HE decides.

Sure, he offers valid reasons why having a dog is not a good idea right now. We live in a single-wide mobile home with a tiny yard and no fence. We also have four cats, two of whom are elderly. The oldest cat is mostly blind and partially deaf from a stroke. (And she's terribly afraid of dogs.) I know he's technically correct on the dog question. My point is, I don't like the way he puts his foot down about it. I want him to say, "It's not a good idea because...." as opposed to "No, we're absolutely not getting one because...." He just doesn't get it. Any time we discuss the matter, which for obvious reasons we haven't in a long time, he honestly believes I don't understand why he's saying no, and he states those things all over again. In truth, it's not the "why," it's the "how." But if I call him on the "how," he thinks I'm arguing in favor of getting a dog, and it baffles him that *I* just don't understand. It is no longer about a dog at this point. It's about him deciding for both of us, regardless of my feelings.

But that's just on the one issue, not a general attitude. I don't think he can be blamed for occasionally lapsing into it. His father WAS an abusive, domineering jerk, and that's the way he was raised.

Have you told him he is his father's son?

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Have you told him he is his father's son?

Once.

[disguise123]

hmmm actually this is sounding rather familiar.
My partner too has his head set in logic. and often just repeats his logical arguments to me again and again, even if i have moved on to a different point ie. Him making all our decisions.
It seems your man may be a black and white thinker.
And that the two of you have differing communication styles and personalities.
I just wouldnt play the game with him anymore!

[KathyM]

Originally Posted by LovebirdsFlying

If I actually do want to start a fight, all I'd have to say is, "I want a dog." It doesn't matter how much I want one. We'll get one when HE decides.

Sure, he offers valid reasons why having a dog is not a good idea right now.

Um...yeah...maybe so....but it doesn't necessarily address the fact you STILL want a dog. I'd be aggravated too.

As for the game, that would get on my nerves too. I'd probably hand over the controls and say "Here, YOU play the game for me!" or "May I have a moment to practice my skills without you HENPECKING at me all the time?" or "Is there anything else you need to tell me to do before we can start PLAYING with each other?"

Maybe he is controlling, maybe he just likes to be a teacher, maybe he can't stand to see you win, maybe he's afraid you'll leave him if you do. Men are weird, but then again...so are women.

[disguise123]

how's things?????

Well,we got that game badge.

For the record, it wasn't a game where we were competing against each other. It was a one-person game that he played a lot, but I was inexperienced at, and he was showing me how to play so I could help accumulate points while he was at work.

I appreciated the hints and tips at first, but he started overdoing it, not letting me play my own way even after I caught on. More than one way to skin a cat, y'know. (to my cats) Oops. Sorry. Nobody wants to skin *you.*

I'm not sure he'll ever understand about me wanting him to say "It's not a good idea" as opposed to "No, we're not doing that." Every time I bring that up, no matter what I use as an example, he thinks the example is the issue, he starts "reasoning" with me about the example (such as the dog), and the real problem is just lost in the shuffle.

[disguise123]

congratulations on the badge, it is well deserved (lol)
Can u live with him never 'getting' the point?
If he really can't understand.

Hello, LovebirdsFlying. I am curious if you think it might be efficacious for you to write out for your husband what you posted here. Perhaps I am wrong but I think he might view the problem you are dealing with as a competition. You also might consider having him respond in writing.

Writing out my concerns has helped me hone in on exactly what I want to communicate. Sometimes, I start by saying what I am not writing about if I am concerned another might go off on a tangent.

[madisgram]

i find his behavior condescending. controlling.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, LovebirdsFlying. I am curious if you think it might be efficacious for you to write out for your husband what you posted here. Perhaps I am wrong but I think he might view the problem you are dealing with as a competition. You also might consider having him respond in writing.

Writing out my concerns has helped me hone in on exactly what I want to communicate. Sometimes, I start by saying what I am not writing about if I am concerned another might go off on a tangent.

That might help. It's certainly worth a try. If it's a short note, that is... he seems to have some reading comprehension problems and can't digest it if it's very long. I've also tried diagrams, with limited success.

Originally Posted by madisgram

i find his behavior condescending. controlling.

You could be right, but what makes it tolerable is that he doesn't *know* he's being controlling, and isn't trying to be. There have been so many men in my life, from my father to my ex-husband, who know they're being controlling and see nothing wrong with it, because they think that's the way it's supposed to be. Hubby doesn't fit that profile.