[kitty004567]

I'm sorry this is so long but it's complicated...please take the time to read and perhaps offer insight.

Backstory: So I dated this guy for 3 years we were in love and had talked about getting married. During the time we were together I was diagnosed with BP and he stuck by me through all the med changes and problems associated with a new diagnosis. I gained 40 lbs due to lithium and he didn't care. He has a daughter who I love and parented; she still calls me Mommy. However, he had a temper. Bigger than that he had anger problems. He would let something bother him and bother him until he exploded.

He also would not stand up to his parents or his ex-wife and I felt like they were running our lives, not us. He was in a significant amount of debt and I felt like I was in a dead-end relationship because we would never be able to buy a house together and he would never be able to propose because he wouldn't be able to afford a ring. We would never be able to get married because I said I wouldn't marry him as long as he was in debt. We went to couples counseling for over a year. Finally I was asked to give a list of things that had to change for me to stay and a time period to see change. He didn't do anything. I broke up with him and paid for him to see our counselor twice more to help deal with fall-out from our break-up. He and I remained friends and I still saw his daughter until I started dating someone else and he lost his temper.

Fast-forward: 6 months later the new guy was gone. It had been almost exactly a year since our break up and we started talking again. There are still sparks between my ex and I and we are back to being friends (with benefits) and I'm back in his daughter's life. He's paid off a lot of his debt and has been actively working on his anger issues and there's a real difference in his behavior. He stands up to his parents and ex-wife and doesn't let them rule his life.

I'm in the process of buying my first house, alone. One of the things I had to do in therapy since our break up was make a list of qualities I wanted in a guy. It consists of: college educated, debt-free, has a car, has a good job, is someone I enjoy spending time with and can have intellectual conversations with. I want someone who wants to live life with me and do things not always sit in front of a tv. He and I have discussed getting back together but he's not done with school, still owes money, and is renting a car from his parents. I decided those were not things I was wiling to compromise on thus the friends with benefits arrangement.

He had borrowed some money from me while we were together and somehow this came up in conversation the other night. He paid me $500 when we broke up and the rest of it in payments. He had initially told me that was the money he was saving for an engagement ring. He told me the other night he had lied. He had already bought the ring and was waiting for that summer to propose (we broke up in December). He wanted to propose in Disney Land (we had plans to go that summer with his family) in Cinderella's castle; he had already set it up. The $500 he gave me was what he got back when he returned the ring.

I said why didn't you say something? I think I would have stayed and given him more time if I had known it wasn't a dead end relationship. On the other hand, I think us breaking up was the catalyst for his change. How do I react to this information? Part of me feels betrayed and part of me wonders why he told me. What am I supposed to do about it now? Is he trying to get me back or was it just something he felt he needed to get off his chest? What do I do?

Hello, kitty004567. What does your gut tell you?

[lotusflames]

do you love him?

[Perna]

I don't think people are ever going to be "perfect" for us and I don't know that we can claim changes in their lives to our own credit. Who would want to have anger issues and be in debt and have their lives run by their mothers when they're an adult?

I'm curious in what changes you have made in your life. I was glad to hear you were buying a house of your own but a little disturbed that you are back with him but not "officially", it sounds like you might have some issues yourself about what you want that doesn't relate to someone else. I wouldn't base your happiness on what other people are/do, that will always disappoint you because you have no control there. I think your boyfriend has always been working and changing his life but it's for him and his daughter, not you. What have you been doing for you?

I don't think it matters where the money he borrowed and is paying off came from; I am surprised that you would want a ring that you, in effect, would have bought yourself? But I'm also surprised that, with money problems, you and he were caring about a ring at that time (and this too if he still is paying off debt); sounds like he has a lot more important things to worry about than jewelry! $500 would have bought a course at my college and I'm sure what he lost in returning the ring probably would have bought a couple semesters worth of textbooks. I'm concerned he may be switching having his life run by his parents and ex- to letting you run it. That's not any better! It won't make you happy and can't make him happy; he's tried it and should know better.

[kitty004567]

Originally Posted by Perna

I'm curious in what changes you have made in your life. I was glad to hear you were buying a house of your own but a little disturbed that you are back with him but not "officially", it sounds like you might have some issues yourself about what you want that doesn't relate to someone else. I wouldn't base your happiness on what other people are/do, that will always disappoint you because you have no control there. I think your boyfriend has always been working and changing his life but it's for him and his daughter, not you. What have you been doing for you?

For me I have been going to therapy still working on coping with my bipolar disorder. I've been working on self esteem issues as well as body image issues. I've been working on being happy with myself and not needing someone else to "complete" me. I've been more active in the theatre (which I love). I worked and was cast in the summer fundraiser for the theatre where I, individually, raised almost $20,000. I go every week to "wine/whine Wednesday" with my friends from the theatre. This past summer I helped with a fundraiser for diabetes by "flocking" people's houses with flamingoes in the middle of the night (also with my theatre friends). We raised about $4,000 doing that alone. I did the diabetes walk. I took dance classes, something I've always wanted to do. I also went skiing this year for the first time in several. I finished school and graduated with my bachelors. I've applied to and been accepted by one of the best natural medicine schools in the country and enrolled in classes. I'm buying a house so I can move out of my Dad's house where I live with him and my brother. It's an unstable environment that makes me unhappy and increases my bipolar symptoms so I'm changing that. Those are some of the things I've been doing for me. Does it make more since now? Perhaps my initial post focused more on him than the progress I've made as well.

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think it matters where the money he borrowed and is paying off came from; I am surprised that you would want a ring that you, in effect, would have bought yourself? But I'm also surprised that, with money problems, you and he were caring about a ring at that time (and this too if he still is paying off debt); sounds like he has a lot more important things to worry about than jewelry! $500 would have bought a course at my college and I'm sure what he lost in returning the ring probably would have bought a couple semesters worth of textbooks. I'm concerned he may be switching having his life run by his parents and ex- to letting you run it. That's not any better! It won't make you happy and can't make him happy; he's tried it and should know better.

It was not so much the ring itself and no I would not have been happy about essentially paying for it myself. It was more a showing that he really was serious about being/staying together and that he wanted our relationship to progress. I don't think he's switching to letting me run his life. He does ask my advice but he pretty much does what he wants whether that's my suggestion or not.

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, kitty004567. What does your gut tell you?

My gut says I didn't want to know but the more I thought about it I'd rather know now than find out 5 years from now.

Originally Posted by lotusflames

do you love him?

Yes.

[unico]

I tend to be a really open person and would probably have told the person I loved about the ring and my intention to propose, too. I don't know him, so he might have ulterior motives, but I wouldn't automatically assume he is trying to get anything out of you by giving you that information.

I hope things work out for the best for you, whatever you decide!

[kitty004567]

We talked about it and I told him how upset his revelation made me. He apologized but still can't come up with a reason he told me...interesting. I however have made my peace with it. The past is the past.