Is cheating ever ok?

I'm 43 and I suffer from depression and attachment disorder. I got married to a man 2 years ago that is 13 years older than me after dating for only 4 mos. For 11 years prior I remained celebate because of my faith. My husband has 0 interest in sex. When we were dating I thought we were waiting for the wedding night. Since then it has been maybe once a month and very quick. I know it's not morally right to cheat but I am struggling so bad. My ex and I have been in contact through FB and things have been heating up to the point that I'm trying to justify that it would only be 1 time and we would both go home to seperate parts of the country. (We're both from the same town that we just happen to both be going to on the same weekend-totally coinsidental.) I have been trying to weigh the pros and cons and if I can live with myself afterwards. I just need some advice and some prayers wouldn't hurt either.
Thank you,

You mention that you remain celibate for 11 years because of your faith. That takes a great deal of commitment and I would think that the mental repercussions would far out weigh the immediate physical satisfaction. For argument’s sake say you do cheat this one time, the problem will still remain and you’ll have the added guilt.

The first thing I would do is try to initiate things with my husband. If he still isn’t getting the hint then sit down and talk about it. I know it’s hard but if you want this relationship to last I don’t see another way. Your needs are natural and are not being met right now.

Cheating isn't really ever okay.

With that being said, I would not ever condemn someone heck for it happening once. Sometimes heat of the moment things happen. The way to make up for that is to be completely open and honest with your partner and tell them what happened and let them make the decision (to stay together or break apart).

However, this isn't really heat of the moment. It's something you're kind of planning. Now believe me, I am not condemning you in any way. I am not calling you a bad person or anything, but morally it is something that you will regret. You're already questioning it. I think you'd be a much stronger person if you were able to not give in to the temptation.

Now, your first approach (if you decide not to give into this) would to be to figure out what the problem is with your husband. You may have to go to a marriage/sex counselor as well. After all, in a marriage not only do you have to make sacrifices but your partner as well. There's a reason that the intimate physical stuff isn't happening and you need to figure it out. You're already so frustrated that you're actually considering being intimate with someone else which isn't a good sign for this relationship.

So, first you need to figure out what's going on, then you need to decide if this marriage is right or not. If you two can never be intimate and you need that in your life then this may not be the right marriage for you and you two may be better going your separate ways.

Hope this helped some, and I wish you the best and hope you find the right path and take it.

Thank you both so much. Thank you for not being judgemental. I am going to a T and he has helped me realize that this is definitely a problem. I did speak to my husband so I guess we'll see what happens. Thanks for the support.

It does seem kinda weird to me to not be okay with having sex for 11 years but then feeling okay cheating? But I realize that you don't really feel "okay" with it. I think you may be a little harsh on yourself. It isn't really a problem unless you go through with it. It sounds like you have a natural enjoyment for sex with your husband - all of which is perfectly natural. However, 43 isn't much past a woman's sexual peak (usually around 30-35) but 56 is much past a man's sexual peak. So the differences there don't surprise me. However, I think an open conversation about it is necessary. Have you two talked about it? Have you ever told your husband that you would like it more often?

I guess I've been a bit manic for the last few days. I seem to have woken up today and realize that I couldn't do that to my husband. I couldn't do that to myself. I know now that I wouldn't have been able to live with myself afterwards. I don't really know what I was thinking. Thanks for the help and advice. I did talk to my husband and he seems to be more attentive so we'll see.

Your whole description of your marriage does not sound very happy, like something you are really behind anymore? That you are chatting too warmly with your ex- now does not mitigate that impression for me. If I were literally you, I think I would separate from my husband and explore my feelings about who I want to be with (if anyone).

Hi Sushi, sorry you are having a hard time.

I guess part of the issue is the word 'cheating' - what do we mean by that? Is it just 'having sex with somebody I'm not married to'? Or does it mean 'having sex with somebody I'm not married to AND hiding it from my husband, lying to him, maybe leaving him if I get back together with my ex/find someone new... etc.'.

I think the best thing to do, and the first thing to do, as others have said, is talk to your husband and T about it all - and I'm glad you are doing that, hopefully it helps. But if your husband really isn't interested in sex, then it might be possible for you to say 'I love you, I love our marriage, and I want it to work - but I also need to have some sexual needs fulfilled'. It might be possible for your husband to let you search elsewhere for sex, as long as you reassure him that you are committed to your marriage and won't hide stuff from him.

I don't know, this is just my 2 cents, I haven't been in the situation myself, but it seems like a lot of what upsets people most about cheating isn't the sex but the lies and hiding a 'secret life'.

Of course, your husband might have more interest in sex than you realize, and just not know how to express himself! He might also be trying to be considerate of you, your faith, and your long period of celibacy, but be going about it all wrong/taking that consideration too far. So talking to him and your T will hopefully help with it all!