[pgm05]

I'm 22 years old and my parents have been divorced since I was 7. I've been dating a guy the same age as me, similar situation as his parents divorced at the same age, since December. This is my first real relationship. I grew up overweight, extremely insecure and surrounded by thin, beautiful girl friends. I was the odd one out and I know it had an affect on who I would become. I have lost a great deal of weight and am so proud of how far I've come in that sense, as well as how much more confident I am in social, work situations. For some reason I still have such a hard time letting my walls down.

My boyfriend is amazing. He's hard working, driven, supportive, affectionate. We're complete opposites but for some reason we fit. He knew in the beginning that I've gone through a lot and that it was going to be hard for me. In exchange, I knew in the beginning that he has a very busy schedule and that although I'm a priority, school and work are too. We understood each other. Now, 5 months into our relationship I truly think I love him, but sometimes I just don't think he "gets" me. I constantly have this fear in my mind that it just can't work out between us. I feel as though I'm the one ruining the relationship. I'm also overly sensitive with him and I think it's because he's the only person in the world I allow myself to be vulnerable around. I think this puts a lot of pressure on him, but I honestly can't help myself. I like to be in control of things and this is something I'm not in control of. Every time I'm upset about something, he wants me to talk to him, but I get so overly emotional that I can't get out my thoughts and then the day after I feel just horrible. I didn't even get to say what I wanted and I just try to keep burying things that bother me. If I seem like I am in a bad mood, he always repeats the same thing, "there are places I could be, like my bed, I go to school, I work and my only free time is spent with you. If I didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be." The way he says it makes me feel like he's performing a duty, like I'm another duty he has. It just leaves a bad feeling in my stomach. I know I should tell him the truth, but I think I'm afraid of him rejecting my feelings. I also tend to get bad anxiety and that mixed with my insecurities doesn't help. I can't enjoy life like this. I don't know what to do. How can I openly talk to him? Am I being too sensitive? Is this relationship doomed?

[nomad73]

I've said it to someone else on these boards - I could've written this myself. I'm going to be blunt with you, as I have had to be with myself, because my relationship is so good, and it makes me so happy, that I'm not going to allow myself to overthink it into oblivion. I'm not going to do that busy-minded little trick I like to do and predict the future, subconsciously driving the car off the proverbial cliff in order to prove myself right - I refuse to believe that I can't have anything this good happen to me, or that the other shoe will drop.

Do not read into what your boyfriend says to you. Men are, traditionally speaking, very straightforward, and you will find that they tend to say what they mean. He says he wants to be with you and, indeed, he spends the time he has available with you. Logic dictates, then, that he wants to be with you. Do you want to hear something else? Is that why you keep posing the question? Are you subconsciuosly pushing him to tell you that he finds you tedious, hard to be with, or a drain on his emotional resources? Why don't you give him the benefit of the doubt and try approaching it from that direction? Assume he cares for you and is telling you the truth. Assume he spends his time with you because you are great company and you, yourself, are a walking example of personal triumph over insecurity and a confusing childhood - that even though his parents couldn't make their marriage work and his life was forever altered as a result, you make him think it could work out for him.

You are allowing your insecurities from the past invade your logical reality, and you are looking for proof of impending doom where there is none. Certainly your relationship might end some day for some reason, but do not do yourself the disservice of paving the road there and having to live with the knowledge that you've let your fears blind you to the joy, success, and potential that are right in front of you.

A great relationship is inherently terrifying, because at some point you come to realize that you are completely vulnerable and may end up getting hurt. The idea isn't to insulate yourself from that vulnerability, but to cherish the experience of trusting someone else enough, and having the chance to be open, optimistic, and loving and receiving the same in return. Do not look outward for your explanation here. Look inward and take an honest assessment of your fears. Put them under lock and key and take the time to dismantle them one by one as your reality proves your fears wrong on a daily basis. Be positive this relationship is meant to be, and enjoy the ride

[Leed]

Please listen to Nomad ~ you're sabotaging your relationship by shooting yourself in the foot. Nomad is right -- men are straight-forward. They aren't like women who talk in circles. Women beat around the bush until they get what they WANT to hear. Men just plain say it STRAIGHT!! He wants to BE with you!! Plain & simple.

Talk to him - he cares about you. He isn't going to judge you, or laugh at you, or condemn you. Tell him your fears and your insecurities. Tell him about your past. Let him know the real YOU so he can understand you better. If he doesn't know who you really are, how can he REALLY get to know you???

He sounds like a good guy - I don't think he's going to jump ship -- give the relationship a chance. Trust him. Hugs, Lee

[disguise123]

i agree with all said above,
Maybe some counselling would help you, or something else that boosts your self esteem, because your relationship isnt the problem. Its how you feel about yourself that is.
i know its hard but you have to break the cycle.