[Turtleshell]

I am in a loving and trustworthy relationship with a wonderful man . He is my first love & relationship, we have known each other for four years now and we have been dating for over a year.

The problem is I've realized I create drama & problems in our relationship because after a fight with him, I feel more excited. I feel more sexually connected with him and much happier because there is a certain fire in our relationship, like if we had just spilled out intense feelings instead of this comfortable life that we have now. Its like if we were madly in love but couldn't be together (how things were for us during 1.5yrs out of the 3yrs before we got together). Only by creating these fights do I feel the intensity when he fights back, he's a very patient and kind boyfriend, and its very difficult for him to get upset.

In no way do I want to ruin this relationship by being the drama queen that I am now. How do I get the passion back into our relationship without these fights? What is my problem?

[Leed]

The problem is you want the fire back in the relationship -- but you're going about it all wrong. This is a dangerous way to accomplish this ~ it's liable to blow up in your face.

Before he gets home, why not light some candles, put on some music, and slip into something "more comfortable." Chill some wine. Make the place inviting. You can add spark to the relationship without starting a fight. You're liable to drive him away by doing that.

If you can, take a weekend off and go away somewhere. But don't keep starting fights or you'll be the loser in the long run. Hugs, Lee

[Turtleshell]

Thanks. We've had talks about it & he says HE doesn't feel like I try either -.-. That caught me off guard but it help me realize I have to put more effort into doing more romantic things & maybe that is what I'm missing? I'm not sure if its the passion I'm missing from the relationship...i'm not really sure what feels unsettled but I think it might be the passion?

[nomad73]

I once had a T tell me that I get angry and have an explosive temper because anger is empowering. Tenderness, sadness, loving, whatever the gentler approach is, feels less empowering and doesn't give me the same sense of control. However, that sense of control and power is fleeting and has to be regenerated time and again. The payoff I get from taking the gentler approach is generally longer lasting and more rewarding over a long period of time, but it's harder to achieve and takes more effort on my part... you could compare it to having a long talk about a difference of opinion, where you end up coming to a resolution through an open conversation, versus having a big fight where you end up in hot make-up sex, but did you ever get to the root of the problem that caused the flare up in the first place? Don't look at it as a passion issue - look at the possibility that you get a little rush out of running the show, and that fighting is emotionally easier than actually working through something to get to a long-lasting resolution. It's a lot of work. Relationships are a lot of work. Make sure you aren't pinning the cause on "passion" when in reality the issue is your manufacturing more immediate gratificaiton and emotional reward for you at the price of long-term, relationship building, power-sharing resolutions.

[youOme]

I can relate to this in a way, getting my boyfriend angry was a way of getting intensity from him. I'm an emotional being and he is more suppressive. We're now a mess because of these differences. I wouldn't continue with this because yours will be destroyed in the end. Find something ya'll both can be intense about. Of course make-up sex is good, try something else. If you take the time to look and figure it out it'll be worth it... good luck.