[inklid]

It's got to be the hardest relationship problem I've ever had to deal with. We have a loving relationship, he wants marriage and kids with me. But all the lust and desire seems to have disappeared from his side.
I initiate everything and get rejected 90% of the time.
I've tried toys, lingerie, dirty texts to his phone, and everything just gets turned into a joke. (I am a slim and pretty women, my worst flaw would be that I've lost a little tone since we started dating)
I don't know what's wrong, I've asked him and he says that he's tired. That it isn't me. But this time around it's been 3 weeks and counting since we last had sex.
It's hard to explain, I don't really care about the sex, but the rejection and lack of intimacy is destroying my self-esteem and he knows this. I don't understand how over the course of a few months we go from every day to a few times a week, to maybe once to hardly ever.

Some male perspective may help?? Thanks all.

[Elana05]

(((inklid)))

I know where you are coming from. This is really hard. I think you need to try to take a step outside of this situation and really look at it. There are a couple of angles. 1. It is totally understandable to want to have an intimate relationship with your boyfriend. It is a concern of yours and he should be relatively open to hearing your concerns and wanting to work on them. Would he be up for seeing a couples therapist about this? 2. It sounds like you have become trapped in the mental state of this continual rejection. Do you think you might be replaying a scenario of abandonment from when you were a kid? It may help to talk it out with a counselor? There is a kind of severe panic that comes with going to someone over and over and having them "turn away" that gets repeated in our relationships. What I mean to say is that there are two options... Tell your boyfriend this is important to you and you need to be able to talk it out with him or get mad and let him go. Sometimes I need to wake up and ask, "Wait, what have I gotten myself into with this needing and wanting?" You are important. You are your own person, a valuable person!

Sending many supportive thoughts your way.

E.

[Emotionally Dead]

I don't have much to add, but do you mind me asking his age and yours? If you two are much different in age that could definitely be the problem. Also, has he had a lot of stress lately? From work and whatnot? I know that I felt like my ex wanted it too much.. Yet I still gave in to her, and I am talking after 8 hours of long, hard work (I worked 7 days a week at the time, too). So if he is working a lot he really may just be too tired and the things you are doing would just make him want it less. I know that happened with me and was part of the reason for the break up I went through.

Wishing you the best.

[inklid]

Originally Posted by Emotionally Dead

I don't have much to add, but do you mind me asking his age and yours? If you two are much different in age that could definitely be the problem. Also, has he had a lot of stress lately? From work and whatnot? I know that I felt like my ex wanted it too much.. Yet I still gave in to her, and I am talking after 8 hours of long, hard work (I worked 7 days a week at the time, too). So if he is working a lot he really may just be too tired and the things you are doing would just make him want it less. I know that happened with me and was part of the reason for the break up I went through.

Wishing you the best.

So perhaps I should just give him some time? He's on a temporary sub-contract working up to 70 hrs in a 5 day week. I am also working full time and take care of everything I can for him, all the house work, packing his suit case etc. It's not a role I plan to sustain past this contract, but I know how hard it is for him so I'm trying to take the pressure off.
In some ways I know that although the problem is at his end (regardless of the reason) it is also mainly about how it is making me feel. Constant rejection is hard to take, and I'm not looking for the full commitment of sex if he is tired, but I want to feel wanted. Does that make any sense?
I'm 24 and he's 27. That isn't really a huge age gap?
I don't have any intention of letting our relationship end over this, I would just really like some tools/ideas to help me either solve the problem or just deal with my feelings about it.

[PaintTheRoses88]

24 and 27 is definitely not a huge age gap. If he's working 70 hours in a 5 days, then I can see how he might be too exhausted to have sex. I think the best thing for you to do is to talk to him about it since this is obviously an important issue to you. Let him know that you know he's been working very hard and that his energy is kind of being consumed by it for the moment. But also let him know that the constant rejection is bothering you and just because he's too tired to have sex does not mean you two still can't be intimate, say like cuddling together just to watch a movie or maybe even just taking a nice, relaxing bath together. Those don't take a lot of energy, not like sex does.

And it makes sense to me to "want to be wanted". He's your boyfriend, he should want you even if he doesn't have the energy to fulfill that want.

You need to make it clear that this should only be a temporary arrangement because sex and intimacy are important to you in a relationship, as it should be. Tell him it's okay to not want sex for right now, but tell him he could still do his part in making you feel like you're desirable. In this way, I think you could show him that you understand the pressure he is under at work. At the same time, it also shows that you expect your feelings to not be neglected or pushed aside. Once you tell your part, give him the opportunity to unload his side of the problem.

I hope it works out! Good luck!

[krisakira]

Originally Posted by inklid

It's got to be the hardest relationship problem I've ever had to deal with. We have a loving relationship, he wants marriage and kids with me. But all the lust and desire seems to have disappeared from his side.
I initiate everything and get rejected 90% of the time.
I've tried toys, lingerie, dirty texts to his phone, and everything just gets turned into a joke. (I am a slim and pretty women, my worst flaw would be that I've lost a little tone since we started dating)
I don't know what's wrong, I've asked him and he says that he's tired. That it isn't me. But this time around it's been 3 weeks and counting since we last had sex.
It's hard to explain, I don't really care about the sex, but the rejection and lack of intimacy is destroying my self-esteem and he knows this. I don't understand how over the course of a few months we go from every day to a few times a week, to maybe once to hardly ever.

Some male perspective may help?? Thanks all.

I am in the same exact boat. Boyfriend much older than me though, he is 47, and i am 23, and so his sex drive was always a bit lower than mine. But in the past year it's gone from once a week to maybe once a month, down to not even having sex for 2 months straight... He is on antidepressants and I think it has contributed to the lack of desire (his parts work). He never feels like doing it, he says he is always tired. And you know, I really don't think that's just an excuse. I think he literally might be just so tired and stressed out... Some people cope with stress by WANTING to be intimate (me) and others cope by NOT wanting it (him), so there has been a bit of tension there. Although he does not want sex, though, we are finding other ways to feel closer and bonded, we cuddle a lot (although sometimes it is just not enough!). I think he may have low testosterone or something. But he will not go to a doctor to get it checked out. One thing that has helped us to have sex recently (as in like 2 weeks ago lol), was that I noticed he gets real tired at night, and won't have sex before bed. So, if i initiate during the day when he is not busy, or afternoon, or once even in the morning, there's more chance of him feeling up to it. What time of day are you initiating? Cause if its at night, he might have the same problem as my boyfriend at night. Hang in there, it may get better. (((((hug))))))