[LittleForgetMeNot]

I'm just in a cycle and I feel like no one can pull me out of it. It's always the same: feel good, better, better, horrible. Feel good, better, better, horrible. It's been 7 months.. and it's not like I want to go back to him, or really want to talk to him again it's just.. I don't know. I can't get over it. I can't decide if my feelings are justified or I should just throw them away because he was a jerk. It was almost like he had a split personality, a super nice guy and a evil, manipulating jerk all at once. There was already a "closure" session, where truths came out calmly and safely.. but it didn't feel like closure to me because a couple weeks or once just a few hours later I was being treated like crap again for no reason.

There was only one other person who I had such a hard time getting over.. but in reality it was easier because this guy had been consistent. He was the same everyday, and he never lead me on or played around with me. He never liked me, and it was clear from the beginning. It took a while but it was a peaceful getting over, without tears or much hurt, because I wasn't confused.

This time I can't feel better. I can't feel calm or at peace. I'd feel okay if I could trust that everything was honest, it wasn't just sweet lies so I wouldn't feel bad. I'd feel better if I hadn't been constantly dropped and hated, then picked up again and being begged for forgiveness. I can't feel okay when I don't know what part of my life in those 2 years were honest, and which parts were fake. People tell me "it's okay, he'll one day regret it all and wish he still had you". I'm not happy with that unless I know by his own words that he regrets it. I'm not happy just thinking it on my own.. And I'm tired of being though of like I'm obsessed.. I'm not obsessed.. It's not my mind that is occupied with these thoughts.. it's my emotions. It just doesn't stop hurting.

What do I do? Sometimes this hurt isn't even conscious anymore.. it comes out with an obsession for attention, the need to "collect" people as friends to fill an empty heart. It comes out as avoiding music, and feeling angry.. I'm tired of this.. I feel so weak and pathetic.. and I also feel like I'm jurt irritating people every time I post this same scenario on PC or talk about the same set of feelings to friends.. But I don't know what else to do..?

[Leed]

You're letting this guy CONTINUE to hurt you over and over again. He's living RENT FREE in your head !!! By continuing to think about it, he has control over you. You have to take back that control, and not allow him to badger you anymore. Take your power back -- don't let him beat you up mentally anymore.

In a way, you're resenting him, but he doesn't even know it, so the only person you're hurting is YOU. Quit beating yourself up about this. That's all you're doing. Let him go -- he's gone, kaput, over & done with. You have to give yourself permission to let him go. Give yourself permission to stop thinking about him -- he's not worth it.

You deserve better, dearheart. And "better" WILL come along - just wait and see. It might take a little while, but you'll be pleasantly surprised. God bless & take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[inklid]

I think in the back of your mind you know you're better off without him. Listen to this little voice.
If it's already over it sounds like you've done what is right and necessary. Try to feel happy and secure in this thought.
The main thing you need to hold onto is that there is someone else out there for you who is going to take care of you, love you consistantly, challenge you in all the right ways, and you will find him (if he doesn't find you first).
I've been through some tough break ups. It took me a whole year to get over one guy. In the meantime I had started dating someone else but it took time to forgive him, move on and be happy.
Give yourself time, allow yourself to cry, and if you're sick of telling friends the same old story keep posting online or get yourself a diary. But take care of yourself, occupy yourself, keep him out of your thoughts as much as possible and eventually you won't have to try anymore.

Good luck and cheer up.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I try not to think about it though. Sometimes I'll just feel bad and I wont know why until take a minute and put two and two together (what's happening and my memories). To be honest I haven't thought about him since the end of March, and then before that since January. In March it was because he came around again to try and talk everything over and now it just popped outta no where because I'm trying to overcompensate my loneliness by making a million friends, which was how I met him in the first place.

I don't know how to make myself not remember because for 2 years I some how made sure that anything and everything could be related back to him. Even my own depression and mother and school problems here I told him everything and for one day I had been supported, and the next mocked and put down about it. It wasn't just that he left, he cheated on me with a girl who was obsessed with destroying my life and then turned into someone who also seemed like he wanted to destroy me. There was so much manipulation and day after day there was just more and more hurt inflicted.. and I could never understand why or what I did to be suddenly so hated..

If it took me over 8 years away to even stop thinking about this type of behaviour from my mother, and going on 3 1/2 years trying not to pay attention to this behaviour from the girl who hates me.. so I don't know how I can believe that I am capable of just letting this go.. I never just let go of anything.. It sticks.