[hedgehogfog]

I am not sure i am posting in the right place, so please re-direct me if i am wrong. The story is a bit long...
I am 30 y/o, married and have 2 kids. I gave birth couple of months ago and currently on maternity.
I was working for a company for couple of years before i left to maternity. I had a boss which we had a very good relationship with, worked perfectly fine together. Once he invited me to go with him to a business trip and i think it all started from there. It was a process, don't know how this exactly happened but many times he was telling me very private things related to the job, showing me other people's working reviews, basically telling me who has w hich problems, telling me even that he faked documents and numbers to show to the management! I was a bit shocked at the beginning, but always kept things to myslef and never told anyone anything. He knew that and continued sharing with me a lot. Just to mention, i didn't need to know all those things as part of my job. Once he even fired someone because of me. He always supported what i asked him, let me do what i want, gave me good reviews and raised a salary. Once there was an opportunity to another business trip and he was trying so hard to make me go with him, so i felt uncomfortable! I really wasn't needed at this trip though. Time passed by, and i started feeling that i am getting attached to this man. Usually he could hide well what he thinks, so it was hard to know really. What i noticed though is the way he was looking at me, he has hypnotic gaze, like piercing with his eyes, very strong eye contact without blinking, he was looking at me like that, many times the eyes moved to my lips. I felt very aroused! Omg, this gaze was killing me! I have to mention that many times this man lied as well, even to me, but i always ignored. There was something else weird, looked like he was playing games with me. Since i felt attachment i tried to avoid it and stopped coming to his office often, just for work related issues, i played cold a bit. But then he started to be nervous, looking at me with question mark and running around, sending stupid emails and smiling. i couldn't, i gave up, always. He always felt my mood! This happened many times, so it can't be accidental.

I left on maternity and meanwhile he quit the company. There was a leave party which i attended. And even there he was looking at me weirdly... That day he sent me a message at mid night thanking me for coming and that it was nice to see me, i was surprised a bit since he told me that when i left. Then there was another party for someone else that quit and me and him attended it too. He gave me this gaze of his again, but was playing cold! he didn't want to look at the photos of my baby, when other people were actually asking me to show them. I was upset, i will tell the truth. But then at the end of the evening, he prposed me a lift home! I refused, since i had my own car that day. When we went out he started to 'cry' how bad he was treated when he left the company and telling me how much he tries to keep in touch with everyone, that's why he invited some people to his house for a sport game and had lunch with other employees as well. And me? I wasn't included in all those. Why he was telling me this? I have no f**** idea... But it felt bad! And not only because i am attached to him, but for every employee that had good relationship. Then he was showing me how much he is into what he is going on in the old company. He was still digging into on going staff, even though he left! He knew every single detail. I even asked him why he is doing that, he quit already.
I wanted to add him on FB, but he never accepted or denied, even though he accepted other people requests. i wasn't adding him when he was my boss, only when he quit, but still.
That's pretty much all the background.
My problem is the sexual addiction to this man. I need help! I am very rational person and i don't understand his behavior at all! Why he was doing all the things i described above? I have very good supportive relationship with my husband, i don't want to betray him. But i am thinking so much about this other man! He caused me to cry by his behavior . Yes, i have kids, i have to take care of them. I do that! I need to grow up, but i can't. I am trying to get myself hobbies, i am reading some professional books not to forget things. I spend time my my hubby. I do all these! But it doesn't help me at all. I want to see that man (btw, he is married with kids as well), i want him physically. I am getting into depression because of him , but i really want to get out of this.
Please can someone help me!

[Direction]

Welcome! Is this type of romanticised infatuation something you've been dealing with on and off over your life?

I'm glad its just sexual addition to this man...your first paragraph certainly didn't describe him as a pillar of the community. Knowing you have a new baby and a "very good supportive relationship with my husband" I would think a passing fantasy could happen but you would just get on with the other aspects of your life. If you are finding it hard to stop thinking of this person for sex, you may want to talk to a professional about it.

[hedgehogfog]

yes, happens to me in life all the time. The thing is that it is usually something that goes away very fast. here we are talking about the period of 2 years...what it can be though? i also dont get why he behaves like this?

[Direction]

Our minds may indulge on things we allow...it would be a good topic to discuss with a professional. I wouldn't spent much time trying to understand his behavior...he may have been flirting, trying to show off, struggling with his own issues...etc...

More importantly is how you can find a healthy activity other then engaging in the fantasy, which at some point could jeoparize the relationship with the good man at home you have...right?

It sounds like this guy really pushed himself on you.
It was probably very flattering, even if you are married.
He sounds very predatory and manipulative...he told you secrets to make you feel special, took you on trips, gave you good reviews and raises.

i knew a guy with that kind of stare...feels like they are looking deep inside you.

But he is only doing it for his own gain - he acted like a jilted lover when you were showing baby pictures - he is trying to "get" you and conquer you.
Don't let that happen. Keep your mind on the things you have.

[Open Eyes]

There are men that are very attracted to women that are unobtainable. They are intrigued by the hunt and they can send mixed messages. They can even be married and be willing to disregard the marriage for this quest.

Now, you on the other hand, have a lot at stake here. Would you really want to risk it? Would you want to carry guilt? Because if it did happen, he may just move to someone else. There is a difference between love and just sex. Especailly for men.
Women call it making love, men often don't think of it that way. Not their fault, they are often designed to think like that, natures trick for reproduction.

This is part of your confusion, you don't think like a man. There are two marriages at stake here. And many have been shattered by people giving in, and you know what? Even if they get together, it happens again.

Now, you do have a husband and he is being faithful and you do have children. You took an oath, remember? And, you took another oath with each child. That road your talking about, if you did it, all of what you have now will change, everything.
Even if you did it and hid it, it wont matter, it will still change what you have now.
Those few moments of maybe pleasure, maybe not so hot, will leave you with guilt and that will eat you up.

It happened to me, only I was cheated on. It changed everything for me and my husband. It broke a promise, it changed him, me and our child. I did forgive him, I never forgot those two women, oh yes, do you think your the only one he stares at?
For what sexual desire, passion, might be disappointing, wont be what is in your fantacies. Nothing ever is. Both those women knew we were a happy family, they broke us, ALL OF US. Do you think that is fair? Do you want to think about that for the rest of you life?

The next time you hold that baby, look into those trusting eyes. Do you really want to harm that child? It will you know. And I have to tell you, IT WONT BE WORTH IT.

I have had men look at me like that. I met one man that hit every cord in me and I walked away. I am glad I did that, I kept my promise, I have no guilt and I can look into my childs eyes and she knows that I was a good mother and she could count on me. Very important!

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Open Eyes

[distancedistressed]

I agree with jadedmoonbeam... I think you must also not be spending enough time with your husband... it's pretty bad if there is an attraction to your ex-boss. He's staring at you to get your attention, and gave you all those things in order to win your favor. This man is just trying to win yyou as someone he can manipulate. You have a family and you must love them, but if you continue to want this man your entire relationship, family, and finance could potentially fall apart. Don't let this man stab a knife into the things you believe in and already have, it will cause your way of life to collapse.

[50guy]

I don't know that I would call it addicted as much as attracted. I have been attracted to another woman for the last 4 years. We both know it and it is mutual. The situation is.....we are both married. We know that there are boundries that we cannot cross and we avoid each other. I am now in a state far from her but we still communicate. It is hardly ever sexual, sometimes a little spicey, but no photo are exchanged, no pining for each other, just trying to maintain a connection. Neither of us have any intention of it going any farther. Attraction is normal. It's what you do after that attraction that makes a difference.

[LifeIsHot]

With all due respect, the man doesn't really seem to be doing anything to you - as in anything you wouldn't allow. All married people get bored once in a while, and when people spend a lot of time at work and not that much with family/friends, it's easy to fall in lust. Again, with all due respect, it just seems that you and him have sexual chemistry and you're trying to be righteous while your hormones are being louder than your reasoning. You don't mention love, passion, strong feelings talking about him, so... Why worry? He clearly means nothing to you, really. Use the lust for fantasy, if you may, but, you know, that's about it. Peace.