[Loax1313]

So, because my question has either disappeared or just went unanswered, I'll post here.
Seems an appropriate place.

I'll start by saying this:
I was abused severely as a child, sexually, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
A while back, I found this amazing girl, that changed my life.
I literally walked across the country, over 3000 miles to be with her.
After moving to her state, I would walk 10+ miles in the knee high snow every day just to see her.

We eventually moved in together, and were madly in love, or so I thought.
We were engaged after 3 & 1/2 years.
About 5 years went by since we met, and all I ever heard from her is how much she loved me, and how we were soul mates meant to be together forever.

Towards the end of our relationship I began to suspect her of cheating, mind you, I never accused or questioned, just pondered.
She told me she was pregnant, and my heart was filled with joy.
I wanted so badly to be a father.
Shortly after, and just before our wedding, I found out that she was indeed cheating.
And worse yet, this child was his (Test proved it).
After dumping me and confessing her undying love for this guy, I tried to kill myself.

By some strange chance, I woke up on the floor...
I took this as a sign that I was not meant to leave this world yet.
And before you go thinking I made some sort or error before hand to survive, let me tell you I tested and retested my method of suicide.
I was fully prepared to die.

So time went on, and about 2-3 years later I found another girl (After a couple of failed attempts at love and companionship).
She and I have become very close, but there's a problem.
She has a boyfriend already.
Not wanting to be the other man, so to speak, I opted to back off.
She told me it would break her heart were I to leave, and so I stayed in this.
She then told her bf about me, and our growing feelings for one another.
At least this way there is no sneaking around, which I wont do.
They're still together and my worst fear is that he'll either propose, or she'll get pregnant.
I think I'm just being strung along as some kind of back up plan. -.-
She says she loves me but how can that be true if she intends to keep seeing him?

I truly feel a connection with this woman, and can't simply cut her loose.
However, I'm starting to feel as though no one can be trusted, ever.
I'm tired of being played, cheated on (Which has happened a few times) and overall used.

I'm an honorable guy, and I hold loyalty and honor higher above all else in life.
Though more and more I don't want to live.
The pain of my past, present, and what seems to be a likely future is becoming unbearable.

I almost just want to become a player, and use women before they can use me, but like I said, I'm an honorable person, and it goes against my grain.
Lately I just want to jump off a building and have this all end.
I've been in therapy and it has a very negative impact on me.
I refuse to take medications, as I'd rather be a broken person, than a fixed robot.

Any advice?

[Direction]

Originally Posted by Loax1313

So, because my question has either disappeared or just went unanswered, I'll post here.
Seems an appropriate place.

As suggested in the other thread...pm Lynn P., in addition, since she answers stuff from the Q&A Section of the site.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

...I was abused severely as a child, sexually, mentally, spiritually, and physically...

Have you talked to a professional about any of this? I know you said you are seeing someone...but has this been covered.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

...She told me it would break her heart were I to leave, and so I stayed in this...

Kind of leaves you hanging...and as you say...maybe some kind of back up plan. I would probably agree.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

...She says she loves me but how can that be true if she intends to keep seeing him?

She says it but its good that you question this...all of us have different definitions of what love is...maybe its not a back up plan and she loves you as a friend...then I guess she tells current boyfriend about growing feelings...yea I'm back with the idea of back up plan.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

...I truly feel a connection with this woman, and can't simply cut her loose.
However, I'm starting to feel as though no one can be trusted, ever.
I'm tired of being played, cheated on (Which has happened a few times) and overall used.

I'm not happy that you feel this way...but glad you've come to the realization this is not a healthy thing to be involved in.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

...I'm an honorable guy, and I hold loyalty and honor higher above all else in life.

Good than you'll recognize the need to back a way from this...honorably guys don't entertain ideas about what this girl is having you think.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

...I've been in therapy and it has a very negative impact on me.
I refuse to take medications, as I'd rather be a broken person, than a fixed robot.
Any advice?

It what ways is therapy negatively impacting you? I know for me it tends to help me resolve past trauma and deal with my emotions. Which is tough stuff...but at some point if it's dealt with the power of them can lesson.

Taking meds does not necessarily make you a fixed robot...nor does not taking them make you broken.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

Any advice?

Yes, actually.

Originally Posted by Loax1313

I almost just want to become a player, and use women before they can use me, but like I said, I'm an honorable person, and it goes against my grain.
Lately I just want to jump off a building and have this all end.

"Revenge is the abject pleasure of an abject mind." -Decimus Iunius Iuvenalis

This notion that all women aim to use and abuse is likely to lead you into a lot of trouble. Acting on such a thought, even more so. It speaks to insecurities and mistrust, characteristics which are unbecoming of a suitable mate.

My advice... Try again. Sure, there's a chance you'll get hurt again. It's a risk we all have to take. But holding onto this bitterness isn't going to help you at all, and it will likely end with women, likely innocent of any injustice, getting hurt as you did.

Additionally... from those unfortunate experiences, take with you into future relationships the wisdom to know when a relationship is detrimental to you and the courage to get out of it at the opportune moment.

I've been in therapy and it has a very negative impact on me.

Why?

[salukigirl]

First off, I think it's odd she can tell her current bf she has feelings for you and he is still around....

That said, if she is not willing to commit to you and leave him, there is something holding her back. Sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She could just love the attention coming from two separate men at once. Have you been intimate while she's still with this man?

Personally, I think this is just heading down a bad path and not likely to work in your favor. All I really see is you being hurt in the end. If you need certain things from her, and she's not willing to give you those....then it's done. I don't like ultimatums but it sounds like that's the point you're at.