[Sannah]

I have been working on my lack of close friendships. I just got a few more clues as to what might be going on with this.

I just realized that I have a close relationship with my husband and children AND I can handle socializing out with others in any situation. These are 2 extremes but I'm clueless about the middle stuff here - close friendships.

I have been working on the negative feelings that I have just become aware of which surface when I am interacting with others outside of my family. (I guess I was repressing these previously). I'm just letting them come to my awareness and taking note of them.

I'm wondering if I am having these negative feelings because I have found comfort in the environment and my routines and others and close friends interfere with this?

In my family, being the mom, I can direct my environment and my husband and children are responsive to this because this has been a mom's area in organizing the family and the household (perfect huh!).

I can handle socializing because it is time limited. You just learn the social skills and it can be handled. You go out for up to a half day with others and then you can come back to your life.

Close friendships cannot be handled this way, though. I'm having a hard time developing close friendships because I have these routines that I don't want to be interfered with?

These "routines" are what make me feel safe?

For instance, when my kids have the neighbor kids over, if the kid is well behaved it is good. If the kid lacks boundaries it is not good for me. When a child feels they can come over and open our refrigerator and just take things out or destroy our personal property it sets me on edge. (And we do tell the child what our house rules are - "you can't go into our refrigerator", "you cannot do these things in our home".)

I guess it comes down to me feeling comfortable without control? I guess my negative feelings about others is coming from my fear and my fear is coming from not feelings safe or like things are in control?

[SpiritRunner]

yes, you seem to like clear boundaries, definite routines, situations where there is control and order.....letting people in close does mess with that sense of control. I know very well, because I have been letting people in closer and now find myself feeling MORE out of control rather than feeling safe to have closer friendships. People knowing too much about me, stepping over my boundaries, that is uncomfortable.....

[Beauty From Despair]

It does get uncomfortable. My problem is I let the wrong people get too close. I am re-evaluating my choices and relationships in therapy. I just today sent a "Dear John" email to a toxic friend. Kinda sad.

I do have a few close, healthy friendships, and I'm focusing on those. I have found that one thing that helps me make friends is being transparent (not overly) but just being vulnerable about my own shortcomings and weaknesses. It makes other people feel more confortable around me, cause they can see I'm human, like them.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I guess it comes down to me feeling comfortable without control? I guess my negative feelings about others is coming from my fear and my fear is coming from not feelings safe or like things are in control?

I struggle with this a lot too, and just letting people get close to me in general. That ever present concern that if I share too much with them, they will use it against me somehow.

I've finally let myself develop two very close friendships...but it's been so very, very hard. I found myself testing the waters every step of the way...it's taken almost 4 years of knowing these two people to develop these friendships.

Perhaps you can start small...get to know some people that you think you might like to be close friends with on a more superficial level first. Find something you have in common that isn't too "risky" to explore more deeply. Build the friendship on that first. Go to a movie or out to lunch or to an event with a person...and then you can escape back home and evaluate the outing, see what you can build on. As you build that common ground up, you might find that you have something else in common you can build on as well....and just keep letting things grow. You don't have to meet someone and instantly tell them everything...it is okay to start slow and build trust and test the waters as you try to build closer friendships.

[geez]

(((Sannah))) I know of a mom who never took her young kids out on playdates or had playdates at her house. She is at the extreme. She needed to feel comfort in having control and anything outside her parameters wouldn't work for her. Her home has to be in perfect condition at all times (no clutter anywhere before she can leave the house - her kids are 5 and 3 yrs old so as you would guess she never leaves the house) her kids are very controlled and it is very sad (and Sannah I'm not saying you are like this btw).
She has no friends and when people have reached out to her she isn't interested because it doesn't fit exactly with her kids nap time or her cleaning the house schedule etc....

My house is not the neatest but it's 'normal' for having a 2yr old and 5yr old to constantly pick up after.

There is nothing wrong with being annoyed about the neighborhood kids just opening up your fridge. That is considered rude behavior based on how I was raised and bravo to you for speaking up and setting boundaries.

Is some of this anger perhaps because you have nothing left after everything else between the kids, home etc...??? I've found through reaching out to others to start friendships I'm finding more of 'me'. Not just the 'wife and mother' role.

I find I get into routines (mine has been working out 5 days a week) but thankfully this friendship I'm developing is a result of working out. We run races together and run together once a week. It's a good friendship but I'm cautious. I'm taking it slow and I'm feeling not sure about calling her just to chat (I know that sounds weird). A part of me finds that I feel like I'm protecting myself. If I call her then I'm developing more of a closer friendship and that's scary!

Don't know if any of this is helpful for you to read Sannah. It's kind of a brain train.....

[Mediator]

Hi Sannah, I feel it from other site. I am Czech living in the UK, I feel that people here are not able to be open, to have close friends. It is difficult for me because I am not married and I do not have children. Here is a lot of pretending given by rules. How are you? is not question. Sorry, it is not feeling. Thank you very much, without feeling of thankfulness.
Yes it is difficult to be open to others, it could be after all a conflict. But maybe we are therefore here. Here is safety environment where we learn to open.
I hope it is not too much "indoctrinate" (I am not sure about English word "indoctrinate", it could be word "edify"). I saw that you read my memories and I looked for your threads.I thank you for your thanks at my posts.
Take care
Mediator