[swimjim]

I am a new member and posted my first thread on the new members forum yesterday. I have until tomorrow to let my girlfriend of 22 months know whether We will become engaged for an August wedding. I hope I am not out of bounds in this website in expounding from my previous post. I appreciate all the excellent answers and support from people who read my posts from yesterday. I have been married before and promised myself that I would take things slow in any future relationship no matter how much I love the person. She has backed off previous ultimatums which started 5 months into the relationship. I want to reassure her that I love her and I want to stay in an exclusive commited relationship with her, however, to force my hand in marriage at this point, I feel uncomfortable. After tomorrow, it may be over for us if I tell her that I am not ready for engagement at this point but to not take it personally. It concerns me that she is using this approach to get to the alter. If she is giving me a marriage ultimatum, how do I know that she wouldn't give me ultimatums of another kind after we are married? I want to make the right decision and the clock is ticking. Thanks in advance

[Leed]

Hi ~ Personally, I think you should count your blessings that she made this ultimatum BEFORE you got engaged, and RUN LIKE HECK and get away from this chick. She is trouble with a capital T. You can BET that she will give you further ultimatums after marriage -- this is her M.O. It's good that you saw it now. She is a demanding, selfish girl ~ you'd be in misery after awhile with this one. PLEASE don't get into a marriage with her --- you will end up with another failed one if you do.

You deserve better than this. How DARE she force you to make a decision like this!!! She'd better be prepared for the results!

I hope you tell her goodbye. You can do SO MUCH better than her. Most women do NOT give ultimatums -- they are grateful for their men. God bless and best of luck. Hugs, Lee

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ Personally, I think you should count your blessings that she made this ultimatum BEFORE you got engaged, and RUN LIKE HECK and get away from this chick. She is trouble with a capital T. You can BET that she will give you further ultimatums after marriage -- this is her M.O. It's good that you saw it now. She is a demanding, selfish girl ~ you'd be in misery after awhile with this one. PLEASE don't get into a marriage with her --- you will end up with another failed one if you do.

You deserve better than this. How DARE she force you to make a decision like this!!! She'd better be prepared for the results!

I hope you tell her goodbye. You can do SO MUCH better than her. Most women do NOT give ultimatums -- they are grateful for their men. God bless and best of luck. Hugs, Lee

Thank you for your reply. It means a lot to me that you spelled it out this way. I will miss our good times but my gut tells me that I am better off not giving in. Your response is the encouragement that I need. Thanks again.

I think if you wanted to marry her you would have proposed already.

[lynn P.]

I completely agree with Leed's advice and you need to trust your instincts. You can't give a marriage ultimatum - either you're both anxious or not and I agree she'll probably be an ultimatum girl for other things. Run for the hills and that will teach her not to use that tactic again. BTW don't accept her back and I bet she's expecting you to cave in. Be firm and don't mince words.

[Open Eyes]

Looks like this is the answer here.

Open Eyes

[AvidReader]

Leed said it perfectly, IMO. Good luck to you, swimjim. I think you deserve better.

[sabby]

I agree that this is not an ideal relationship.

I applaud you for listening to your gut instinct. Know that in the future if you are unable to get support for your thoughts about things, always go with your gut instinct. It's there to help direct you and it will never fail you!

I wish you well. Finding that "someone special" can take time and patience. It doesn't sound like this one is "the one".

[Yoda]

I agree with the others. Being forced to marry before you are ready is a bad idea. Do you think she will break off the relationship completely?

[tattoogirl33]

Lee always tells it how it is!! Listen!!

If she respects you,and values your feelings and experiences,she will wait lovingly and patiently .You sound sincere in your level of commitment.Just hold your ground and follow your deepest inclinations.Love you first,then her.

[StrongerMan]

Hi,

This is my very first post but I felt I had to respond. I recently went through a very similar experience. I ended my relationship after 21 months... let it end to be exact. While you don't give us much to go on as far as how your gf treats you, it does seem as though she wanted marriage too soon. My ex-gf gave me the ultimatums too, and even though she treated me abusively (probable narcissist), it was still very hard for me to let her down. She often acted like a 5 yo, throwing tantrums, pouting and complaining about how I couldn't commit or was immature etc... She made me feel like I wasn't loveable until I proposed. All the while, she was proving to me that she couldn't give me the kind of love I needed. True emotional intimacy... the connection. That is what I was waiting to feel. Your doubts about marriage are well founded and you shouldn't feel guilty for the way you feel. If she cannot respond in an emotionally mature way to your needs and feelings, that is not something you should put up with. A loving, emotionally intimate partnership is a prerequisite to marriage, not the other way around. Ultimatums of this type have no place in a mature, loving relationship. Obviously you have doubt in your mind that you trust her completely. You need to honor yourself and be honest with her about how you feel. That you are not ready right now. You might be close, but just not May 13th. Tell her you feel this ultimatum is not acceptable for you. This is not how you want to start the rest of your life together with her. If she loves you, she will be there for you, accept your feelings and understand. She will show you she understands that being with you, discovering how you truly need to be loved and working to make the relationship the strongest it can be takes priority over a triviality like when you get married. She has her demands and you can have yours as well. Be open. Be honest. Be true to yourself. That is the key.

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by AvidReader

Leed said it perfectly, IMO. Good luck to you, swimjim. I think you deserve better.

Thank you for your support

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

If she respects you,and values your feelings and experiences,she will wait lovingly and patiently .You sound sincere in your level of commitment.Just hold your ground and follow your deepest inclinations.Love you first,then her.

Thank you for your support

[swimjim]

Update. I called her last night and told her that I am not ready to be engaged. She replied by saying "Thanks for telling me". After that call, I started getting bombarded with phone calls endlessly by her which I did not answer. Then the doorbell rang. I opened the door and she said "look into my eyes and tell me it is over" and I said " it is over". Then she got into her car and spun off. I feel kind of bad but I didn't like having my hand forced. I hope I can stay strong. Thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

[affinity]

If you feel like she's the right person for you yo partner with than perhaps the best way to find out if your relationship has long-term merit is to make the big commitment and see what happens next. If she kicks you in the nuts and becomes even more demanding than you can withdraw your offer. After 22 months you should have pretty good idea of whether you love her or not.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by swimjim

Update. I called her last night and told her that I am not ready to be engaged. She replied by saying "Thanks for telling me". After that call, I started getting bombarded with phone calls endlessly by her which I did not answer. Then the doorbell rang. I opened the door and she said "look into my eyes and tell me it is over" and I said " it is over". Then she got into her car and spun off. I feel kind of bad but I didn't like having my hand forced. I hope I can stay strong. Thanks for your words of wisdom and encouragement.

(((swimjim))) - I'm sorry it's over, but good for you for being strong and taking a stand. No one should be pressured into marriage and her reaction is proof, this was the right choice. If a person wants to give ultimatums, they should be prepared for it backfiring on them. This kind of person would always be in the drivers seat for the whole partnership, if the unwilling victim let it happen. Sending good vibes and strength your way.

[affinity]

She clearly wants to be married to someone. If you love her then ask her to marry you, see what happens next, and hope for the best. If you don't love her enough to marry her than admit it to yourself and let her go find a guy that wants to marry her. To me it seems very simple - either you love her enough to commit to what she needs and wants or you don't.

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

(((swimjim))) - I'm sorry it's over, but good for you for being strong and taking a stand. No one should be pressured into marriage and her reaction is proof, this was the right choice. If a person wants to give ultimatums, they should be prepared for it backfiring on them. This kind of person would always be in the drivers seat for the whole partnership, if the unwilling victim let it happen. Sending good vibes and strength your way.

Yes it is going to hurt for awhile not being with her. How can someone like her not believe that trying to force something could result in negative consequences. Thanks for your reply.

[Perna]

I think there is just a "conversation" glitch between the two of you? It does not sound like you have discussed marriage together and gotten on a same page? You have been "dating" for nearly 2 years; I don't know how much slower one can take it? True, my husband and I were together five years before marriage but it took that amount of time for his divorce to become final; he was "working" on getting divorced all that time. What were you all doing, if not working toward marriage? It sounds like your ex-girlfriend did not feel very secure in your affections? I'm not saying you did not reassure her, only that she did not feel secure. Did you ever talk about her ultimatums and how they made you feel and what she wanted for the future and what you wanted, etc.?

If you did not love her, you should not have "kept" her for two years? If you do love her, how can you let her go? If you do not know if you love her or not after 2 years?????

[lynn P.]

I'll let swimjim answers your valid questiona Perna but I'll share my thoughts - he mentioned he was married before and he told her he wanted to take it slow. She was giving him previous untimatums after 5 months of dating. Not all couples want to get married, especially after being divorced. Maybe he felt uncomfortable with feeling forced after only being together 5 months. When a person chooses to force an untimatum, it doesn't give much room for negotiations IMO.

[Leed]

I'm PROUD of you SlimJim!! This might be sore for awhile, but you deserve so much better. You'll find someone else who will NOT give you ultimatums, or force your hand at anything! The right gal will wait patiently for whatever you choose to do.

God bless you and best of luck in your future. Hugs, Lee

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think there is just a "conversation" glitch between the two of you? It does not sound like you have discussed marriage together and gotten on a same page? You have been "dating" for nearly 2 years; I don't know how much slower one can take it? True, my husband and I were together five years before marriage but it took that amount of time for his divorce to become final; he was "working" on getting divorced all that time. What were you all doing, if not working toward marriage? It sounds like your ex-girlfriend did not feel very secure in your affections? I'm not saying you did not reassure her, only that she did not feel secure. Did you ever talk about her ultimatums and how they made you feel and what she wanted for the future and what you wanted, etc.?

If you did not love her, you should not have "kept" her for two years? If you do love her, how can you let her go? If you do not know if you love her or not after 2 years?????

I do love her and did not want to end our relationship. I reassured her all the time that I loved her and wanted us to grow together. However, previous ultimatums would give us setbacks in moving forward. I started to believe that she was more in love with being married than loving me. I can almost guarantee that from the start of us dating, had she let us grow together naturally without any of the previous ultimatums, I would be proactive in planning a future with her. The previous ultimatums have lent concern on my part that she would be giving other ultimatums after we got married.

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by Leed

I'm PROUD of you SlimJim!! This might be sore for awhile, but you deserve so much better. You'll find someone else who will NOT give you ultimatums, or force your hand at anything! The right gal will wait patiently for whatever you choose to do.

God bless you and best of luck in your future. Hugs, Lee

Thank you very much.

[swimjim]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I'll let swimjim answers your valid questiona Perna but I'll share my thoughts - he mentioned he was married before and he told her he wanted to take it slow. She was giving him previous untimatums after 5 months of dating. Not all couples want to get married, especially after being divorced. Maybe he felt uncomfortable with feeling forced after only being together 5 months. When a person chooses to force an untimatum, it doesn't give much room for negotiations IMO.

Thank you. Perna has me a little confused and that I may have made a mistake.