[LittleForgetMeNot]

I hate "being in love" or liking people. It feels.. bad. It feels.. unnatural. As a person who's emotional rage is on a day to day basis, less than an inch wide feeling any type of emotion feels quite wrong when it happens.. and for me liking people is one of the MOST intense feelings I have felt.. In comparison to "normal" people my "love" feelings are very strong. I've liked guys for years, was the emotionally supportive back up girlfriend, and put up with it just so I could talk to them. Every relationship I've ever had, I was in too deep, over my head, unable to control the sudden rush of intense feelings that took over and I put up with things that I shouldn't have.

Now, I hate it. I don't like people often, but I hate it when it happens. It seems to be happening right now (though I'm not sure and trying to force myself into denial so it goes away) and it just.. scary and irritating. I hate relationships.. I hate feeling like I have to answer to someone, I hate feeling like I need to be cared for. I hate feeling like I have to care for someone else because I'm overly compassionate. I hate the awkward affection, the stupid, cute-sy, iwuvyou junk.. I hate other people knowing, I hate other people asking.. And yet I feel sad when other people say: "it feels nice to not be alone"..

Yet in my experience.. there was nothing nice.. there was just drama, there was caring for sensitive, insecure, jealous, depressive, if you leave i'll kill myself, people.. Even right now.. I AM in a relationship but I feel nothing.. I know I'm a back up girl, I'm in the long-distance "my gf is my therapist" relationship and I feel trapped.. This is the second relationship I've ever had in my life, and the second of this kind.. I've never been kissed or confessed to face-to-face. I've never had all these mythological "nice" things that people always talk about.. and I feel like it's ruined my outlook on it forever.

I'm young, it shouldn't matter because "I have my whole life ahead of me" but I think if I don't deal with this now.. I won't have my whole life.. because my whole life will be spent rolling eyes and scoffing every time a couple walks past holding hands. My whole life will be spent rejecting every guy, feeling like I don't need to be with anyone ever, ignoring that it even exists. My whole life will be spent scared of that drama, the insecurity.. the feeling of being suffocated and trapped..

[NuckingFutz]

Have you talked to a therapist about all these feelings you have regarding relationships? It sounds like you have attracted some dark hearts so far. People with light hearts really care and wouldn't want you to be the "back up relationship" or make you feel bad. I think a therapist could help you with a lot of these issues.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I've started to get a little into my first relationship with my therapist but I find it hard to get into detail. Talking about it feels humiliating.. The idea of being in a long-distance, online relationship for 1 1/2 years at 16.. and then being just a back up girl who was easily discarded in the end is such a pathetic story.. One I was so sure I wouldn't ever have.. She's been trying to convince me it's not pathetic because at the time it was real, but I can't help but feel that way.

A big problem I'm facing right now is the fact that she'll be leaving by the end of the month and I'll have to start all over again with a new therapist. Sad part about it was I was actually starting to like this one.. Oh well..

Light hearted people.. because of my experience it feels like it's an act. The negative people, well one at least, pretended to be very nice, but on the inside he was quite insecure and depressive and clingy and all these things that made me feel anxious and "invisible".. Basically only liked because I was there and he had no one else.

Every time I think of being with someone I feel irritation.. Every time I like someone I feel weak and the thought is humiliating. I feel like I shouldn't like anyone, because liking people just isn't for me.. It's easier for me to put up with something fake and toxic than something real..

[einundzwanzig]

i hear ya, i hate being in love also. i also feel weak, i prefer to do the rejecting then be rejected, may be why i dont love easy. i dont like men to be clingy or to emotional it irritates me so much, i just leave. im been chatting with a guy back in Germany, who i met the summer 2008, i was there. and i do like him a lot, i cant bring myself to say "ich liebe dich" - i love you, in english to him, i want to, but i hate the online thing, it feels wierd and unatrual. i do plan to see him next month, but idk, honest im scared i will fall for him and leave life hier in the states behind just for him. that is not like me, i am a student atm and my career has always been a head of any man.. i am seen as a strong woman, perhaps hard to get to no, and not easy to love so this is tough and if your anything like me, you will agree that maybe its just better not to feel, sometimes i wish i didnt feel things like love, honest, i show anger better (and not just because im German lol) and i get angry at all this love crap.

good luck with the new therapist, i dont see one, perhaps i shld lol hope your relationships improve, or you just come to love yourself and 86 relationships altogether, all you have is you in the end, make sure you do you right.

21

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I agree.. and even if I'm feeling okay around someone, I'll do a ton of rejecting, or pulling away or whatever. I'm not rude, and I don't know how it comes off as (maybe shy or just not interested) but it's just.. I don't know. I can have my hand held and be hugged and any physical contact my mind will go haywire and I'll think "stop, stop, stop, stop".. Then when it stops I feel alone and cold and by myself again.. though comfortable.

I hate the confusion that comes in the before term of relationships. That awkward moment where you're unsure if he likes you, or if he's just like that with everyone. The line separating friends and more is so blurry and distorted that I hoped I'd never have to deal with it. But I am. At what point does physical contact, or compliments cross the line with two people who are in relationships? How can you tell if someone is being serious or making hints, or just being a goof ball. And when is enough enough? I hate thinking about this.. I wish these types of feelings weren't applicable to me.. I really wish I could just talk to someone and feel nothing.. feel nothing and be happy about that.