[Evening]

This will sound extremely naïve, but as stupid as I feel for asking it, I need some advice.

I don’t do relationships. I’ve never had a relationship or gone out on a date. And because guys don’t tend to like me much (the last time I was really asked on a date was about 3 years ago, at least), and the abusive relationships I’ve had to witness growing up, on top of never having a positive male relationship/influence, I tend to not really look at guys or think too much into it. I try and remain ‘negative’ to talk myself out of any possible feelings for someone who could reject me, use me or hurt me.

So relationships terrify me. But now it’s got to the point that I can never tell if I even like someone anymore. There was one guy that I THOUGHT I sort of liked a few months ago, and then I found out he could be a bit of a tool, and was still in love with his ex. Everyone was adamant he liked me, but he didn’t. Then I started to think that maybe the feelings I had were just envy that he liked someone else and nobody ever likes me, and that want for some attention that I never get. I just can’t tell.

I wish for a relationship, but I find myself repulsive when thinking of myself being with someone, I can barely think about it without my skin crawling. Anybody else being in a relationship is fine, but me, no way.
Then there is all the trust issues and fear of intimacy. Once, years ago, I was watching movies with a friend and he staring holding my hand, I was absolutely frozen on the spot with panic.

So basically my question is, how can you tell if you have feelings for someone? I can no longer distinguish the difference between a need for attention and jealousy that other people can have relationships, and I can’t and me having feelings for someone, and I can no longer tell the difference between truly not liking someone and fear of a relationship.

The reason I ask is because, as terrified as I am to admit it, I think. That I. Like someone. (dun dun duuuuh). But I just don’t know for sure. I can’t get past everything else, and the constant thought in my mind talking myself out of it because I know he doesn’t like me and I ‘d be kidding myself to think someone actually would. When we saw each other last night it was just the 2 of us having dinner and talking for about 4 hours, and I really enjoyed it. When I’m with guys I do get thoughts running through my mind of ‘would I?’, ‘could I?’, ‘what if?’, and I usually get extremely uncomfortable. But this time it was different, I didn’t get that nervous, repulsed feeling, and I don’t think that’s ever happened before. I could actually think about ‘us’ and was fine with those thoughts, not panicking or desperately trying to change the subject in my head.
I just don’t know what to think…

[Direction]

Sounds like your dinner and talking date went well. Try to stay in the present being mindful of how you feel while you are around this person. Avoid bringing up past painful memories or fantasing about the future (I know this is an easy thing to say and tough to practice). But continue to practice staying in the present ... in the now...for the past and future is all stuff in our minds...only the present is stuff we can actually experience...

In short try not to analyze it...enjoy it...Good Luck...

[Evening]

last night wasnt so much a date as it was just having dinner with a friend, even though it was just the 2 of us. Ive never gone on a date before. The thing is Im scared to even think if this is what I think it is because I dont want a lightbulb to go off and for me to realise the possible truth, because its VERY rare for me to like a guy, and even rarer for them to like me, so Ill feel overwhelmingly rejected. Being unwanted and rejected is actually a trigger for me from being neglected growing up.

[Direction]

Whatever is easier to call it then do so...Since it's just dinner with a friend don't get your mind worked up about all the rest...if you enjoy it...have another dinner...nothing says you or he has to decide this instant about your feelings romantically (besides this was only dinner right?)

[Evening]

Yeah. We've known each other for about 3 years now and it was the first time it was just the 2 of us. We have a ridiculous amount in common. Whenever I meet his friends they're always like 'so you'd be ........... ' as though a lot has been said about me and theyre finally meeting me, thats one thing I have noticed.

[RomanSunburn]

I agree with Direction; try to stay in the present. Don't let yourself get worked up about everything. Simply enjoy his company as you have been doing for the past three years. Perhaps continue to hang out just the two of you in addition to hanging out in groups. For now, have fun. Don't try to pin a label on it, don't worry about what others are thinking. Give everything time to see how things develop.

If you find that you get stuck thinking about everything, try journaling about everything. It's been said that if you put everything down on paper, your mind will feel like it can relax and not keep mulling over the same things.


Take care of yourself!