[dawnhopeful]

Hi, I live with an unsatisfactory marriage. My husband has refused to come to the t with me to try to improve it. He says that if you cant sort things out between the two of you, you should get divorced. I find that when he approaches, i withdraw and vice versa. We blame each other for the unsatisfactory state of affairs. Thus we end up giving each other the cold shoulder. He doesnt even sleep in our bedroom ( Because, I wake him up with' my tossing and turning.') He says he is an affectionate person who likes to hold my hand, but has been rejected so many times, that he has given up. He had a father who was very physical with his sons: he liked to tickle them (I remember), but he swears that his father's touch was non sexual. So, as he has admitted once to me that he has sexual problems, what is he hiding? He told me once that he was 'bisexual'. I had to squeeze this out of him, after much prodding. So what do I do with someone who doesnt want to change. I am so frustrated by the current state of affairs, i could scream. All he does is work and exercise. He is a very good provider, that is true, but we hardly have any mutual friends either. I am trying to come to grips with my abusive past. With much hair tearing , dawnhopeful

[Beauty From Despair]

I, too, have had a painful marriage. We just had our 23rd anniversary. It has gotten much better over the years, though. I think it is primarily b/c I stopped depending on him to change, and just got as healthy as I possibly could by myself with my own therapy and meds. Ironically, this inspired him to change. We still have a long way to go, but at least we're good friends now, and I enjoy his company, which I didn't used to.

I'm sorry this is so painful, I know it is, and it's the main reason for most of my depression. But you have the power to make it better by making you better.

With love,
Beauty

Great resource btw: http://www.familylife.com/site/c.dnJ...dcast-response
They have radio, podcasts, books, even offer free personal eMentoring that you can do anonymously.

[AvidReader]

Hi dawnhopeful, my husband won't come to therapy with me, either, and my marriage is over -- he told me he wanted a divorce (via e-mail -- classy!) last week.

It sounds like there is more hope for your marriage than mine; nevertheless, I would focus on YOU, on getting better. That is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately my husband decided not to stick with me "through sickness and in health," and that hurts, but I have finally realized that I need to take care of my own emotional healing first.

BeautyFromDespair put it beautifully by saying "You have the power to make it better by making you better."

Best wishes to you.

[geez]

I have a husband that won't go to therapy either for himself or for us as a couple. While he shows love for me in other ways this is a sticking point. I go to therapy for myself which helps a great deal (my therapy will be ending soon and I'm afraid that my marriage will end to when I stop going to therapy - my t has helped me allot). Ultimately I hope my husband and I are a 'happily ever after' even though it doesn't feel that way at times. Best wishes and wishing you comfort.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

It can be painful when your partner will not change or go get help with you. I know. I don't think I've had a single partner in my life who has been willing to do that---they have all looked at me as the one with the problem only.

Marriages are about BOTH partners not just the one.

I read "The Courage to Heal" and have encouraged my husband to read the chapter devoted to partners.

partners have their own issues.

Many partners are afraid to see what is up with them.

Also, in general, many people like to point the finger at the other person, the survivor.

But we all have our problems and it takes a lot of work and courage for us to all see that and deal with it.

I wish you luck.

I hope things are better.

Billi

[Direction]

I had a wife that wouldn't go to therapy until it really was too late...something about a bad experience in counseling when she was a teenager and stuff getting back to her parents left her with a bad taste for therapy.

I agree with beauty...

[jenkins09]

As a survivor of SA, I would encourage you to not make any decisions regarding your marriage while you work through your own issues in therapy. You will be amazed at how much of your own stuff you will project onto your spouse.

You said that you both have the song and dance of, "get close to me, now get away." It would appear that you both have a fear of intimacy. Like the others said, all you can do is work on you and hopefully your husband will see that and make some changes on his end too.

Good luck on your recovery.