[LittleForgetMeNot]

[Not sure if this goes in relationships or emotions]

I'm wondering now that I've been exploring my own past and issues and personality what emotion is defined as what.. Right now I'm wondering if I am just simply incapable because of my past or am I just afraid?

The reason why I'm wondering is.. I have this friend. Who has become more than a friend in the past 3 weeks. He's been my first kiss, and seems to really like me. He's very affectionate, very cute, nice, etc. I like him.. Well I think I do. I did, I know I did, last week I was so sure I did.. and then suddenly out of no where my feelings went away as soon as the friendship started getting more and more serious.. Well I don't think they went away but they were locked up and I find myself hiding more behind a wall than before..

I feel tense.. but at the same time comfortable. I feel comfortable sitting next to him, comfortable with him hugging me or any of that.. But when comes time to hug him back, or whatever I resist.. And to be honest.. It's not that I don't want to, because I do, but something in my head just says 'no' and I'll act impulsively on that. Basically, I'm comfortable with him being affectionate on me, but I'm uncomfortable showing any kind of emotion or affection back.

I've been like this my entire life.. With every friendship, with every relationship, I can take people needing me.. but I cannot invest myself in return and that apparently that makes me a "lousy" friend/girlfriend. I want to be able to relax but I feel unable. I want to be able to do whatever I feel but my brain wants me to stick to my bubble and not go around anyone else.

I don't understand it really and I'm going to hurt this boy unless I figure out what the hell is wrong with me and how to handle it.

[Perna]

As we're growing up, we have to practice getting to know others, especially those of the opposite sex. It isn't something we have experience with? So, it's always awkward for a bit like learning any new skill is. If we have not done a lot of hugging, hugging someone else is a new skill and if we have not been around hugging, knowing who, when, how, etc. can be hard to learn! Other people have their own ideas and knowledge; it can be hard being with someone who knows how and enjoys hugging when our style might be more reserved or less knowledgeable!

I try to "match" other people, get my cues from what they do/want but that's not always right, I need to pay more attention to what I'm feeling/want and make that clear. There's nothing right/wrong with going slowly or not being a big hugger, etc. But one does have to think about how you would like to develop, whether you'd like to become a fond hugger or huggee and, if so, how to go about practicing so you can become that. It is very necessary to pay attention to other people's signs, whether they would like you to hug them, etc. and all that is a lot to learn and takes keen powers of observation and understanding/getting to know the other person.

Do not worry so much about hurting another; the other person is supposed to be in charge of themselves and knowing what they want/don't want and how to take care of themselves if they feel disappointment. Just do not "lie" about yourself and what you want; do not hug with seeming abandon and then pull back later! Our feelings are our own, not "caused" by the other person but they come up based on our own experiences (which are always in the past), thoughts and fears (stay away from fear and worry as best you can, they are usually based in the future which can't be known. Being afraid you are going to hurt the boy can become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you do not stay in the present and present yourself honestly).

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Hmm.. I've always been a very reserved person, emotionally and physically. I find it hard to get close to some people, which was never something I had a problem with until recently. For the longest time I've lived in this world where my father was exactly like me (he's also a very emotionally and physically reserved person so there wasn't much "i care for yous/i love yous" or hugs and kisses)and we were both okay with that because we understood each other and i knew that he cared for me even though he showed it in different ways.

With other people though.. it feels like my way of being is wrong.. and being reserved and shy I feel handicapped and don't know how to express what I'm feeling without coming across as disliking the situation. I don't dislike it, but.. I feel that I would be more comfortable if I wasn't expected to show the same level of affection in return.. That sounds horribly selfish which is why I worry about other people's feelings. All I've ever done is hurt other people because of my emotionally unstable (my moods and thoughts fluctuate constantly which is why I tend not to say anything)..

Part of me wants to be like most people who can handle affection like it's just an everyday thing so I wouldn't have to worry about others.. But the other part of me likes who I am, and says that I shouldn't change because then when I get close to someone, or am affectionate to someone it actually means something.. You know it's more than just "oh she hugs everybody and tells everybody everything".

[sara76]

Hi LittleForgetMeNot. I like your name.

I'm new here, and really, new to the concept of these forums altogether. So I hope you'll forgive any faux pas I may make.

I am interested in your story, and can relate to a lot of it. I'm wondering how old you are, and understand if you just don't care to share. My reason for asking is that I am 35, and just started dating somebody myself, and I'm finding it so hard to know how to be intimate. It just seems like this is stuff that people learn much earlier in life, and I didn't...

(I just did way to long of an introduction if you want a bit more info on me.)

I guess I'm wondering if you have talked to this guy about what you are experiencing. You expressed some concern that you might hurt him, and I wonder if talking to him about it might make it easier for both of you? It sounds like it's hard for you to express yourself in person, and I get that. (Writing stuff down helps me.)

I guess I have some more thoughts and questions, but being new here, it might be better to sit back a bit and observe the etiquette. I really appreciate and agree with what Perna said. I know that my therapist is encouraging me to sit back a bit and think less about what this person wants from me, and more about what I want--always a hard task for me...

Take care,
Sara