please HELP with my wife.

ive searched all over for some type of support or advice. this will probably be a long post so i apologize in advance.ive been with my wife since 2002, ive always known she was bipolar, it runs in her moms side of the family. her mom and grandpa were bipolar too. ive had such a rough time with her over the years but also alot of good times as well. the past few years have been really tough for me to deal with her. she has soo many peT peeves and is soo frugal with money it's not even funny. she always has to have a certain amount saved or she will loose it mentally and go into a depression for days on end. i mean if you whistle, chew your food a certain way she blows up into a rage and will even do it right in public.
it got soo bad with her back in 2006 that i split up with her and dated for awhile. but in the end i missed her and we ended up back together and married with two kids. shes very tense at times with the kids too although she is still a great mother to them. i do fear sometimes one of my girls will inherit this monster from their mom though. i hate to see her suffer like this. she shuts me out soo much and always is sleeping or depressed. if i try to talk to her about it, she never wants to talk unless she brings it up which is seldom.
shes unmedicated and not seeing a therapist. we do not have insurance and we cannot afford it even though we do both work. shes afraid to buy a car when we need one, shes afraid to move even though the area we live is rough. it even took me everything i had to cancel our sprint account and move to another carrier even though in the end she admitted i was right. she has sorta took over paying the bills and im soo sick of never being able to make any money decisions with her unless i just go out and buy what i need.
just like last night she blew up in a restaurant about just talking about moving and even today shes depressed and was crying. i just do not know what to do with her anymore. she needs help and i do not know how to help her? she used to drink alot to ease the pain but has been sober for over 6 months now. i do not think she ever cheated on me but once in awhile it did cross my mind when she used to hang out at a bar with her friends all the time after work. i love her and i know she loves me but sometimes it doesn't show when she walks around in a haze all the time. then she will just snap out of it for a few weeks. shes compulsive cleans and no matter what i do isn't good enough for her standards. to the point we fight about it.
you see im very vocal and while i feel for her i fight back and try to put her back into her place, especially when i know shes wrong and it's the bipolar talking. about once a year something little will set her off into a rage and we will get into actual physical fights where i have had to defend myself. she has a horrid explosive temper sometimes. ive even seen her throw an adult temper tantrum. i don't tolerate that from my kids and i won't from her either.
she needs help and so do i. i do not want a divorce nor to be without her. i just feel like there is this wall between us and i cannot tear it down. what should i do guys? how can i get her help when she does not want it and when we cannot afford it?
i also wanted to add that no matter what it always ends up my fault. she never takes responsibility even when shes in the wrong. she deflects all blame to me. why is that? is that a normal bipolar thing? her mother is no help because shes bipolar too and always sides with her.
the thing that kills me is she has this good friend that is bipolar and they always talk and vent to each other but she never tells me anything. it got soo bad at one point with this woman i thought my wife was sleeping with her and part of me still does as she is bisexual. im not accusing but you can see where i could come to that conclusion. her friend is really bad, shes suicidal and cheats on her husband all the time. i basically told my wife she wasn't good to hang around with and i wanted it to stop, i believe she has stopped talking to her but cannot be sure.

Welcome to PC!

I'm glad you could post and get this out there. There seems to be a lot of turmoil. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Probably the theme that stood out for me was there seems to be a lot of control issues on both parts. I would devote some time to finding a way to get some professional help for the two of you. If she doesn't want it, then just you go. Since you have already made the decision to stay, you will really want to concentrate your work on how you react to your wife. As the only one you can change is yourself. If you can't find help, buy some books on communication, assertiveness, boundaries, etc.

Wishing you the best!

Hi fixxer, welcome to PC.

Well, you certainly picked the appropriate name for yourself. It is funny to see how people here at PC pick a name that really represents their self awareness in some way. And you do certainly have your hands full and no one can blame you for being at the end of your rope. But you are denying yourself something very important, THERAPY that you really need. And you are clearly trying to fix something that you cannot control, and that is long message that you are laying out in this thread.

The good part is that you have come to a point that you are recognizing that you do need help. And that is now the beginning of actually concluding that yes, you do need help. Your wife needs help too and it not unusual for a person who needs help to deny themselves of it, see how you have done it too? And all your efforts and your wifes efforts to ignore the need for help and just carry on the insanity of the day to day struggle has now taken a toll.

Ok, so you are the fixer here right? Because you do love your wife and you have tried to fix yourself around her and what being around her entails. You are the only one that can truely recognize that something has to be done. And that means that you have to accept the fact that YOU NEED TO GET HELP NO MATTER WHAT THE FINANCIAL BURDEN. And what the beginning of that entails is the suggestion that Direction is making, you have to fix you. And the real truth is that YOUR WIFE has to fix and address and help HERSELF. You wife obviously needs medication and therapy to help her deal with her mood swings that effect not only her but everyone around her, including the children even though she may seem to be a good mother. Children are not stupid, they can feel and see the confusion between you and your wife and it will EFFECT THEIR FEELINGS OF SAFETY AND SELF ESTEEM.

You should print out this post you made and find a therapist that specializes in dealing with bipolar patients. And you cannot keep denying it, you have to do it now. You have to do it for yourself and your children and hopefully a therapist can help you with how to get your wife involved in a treatment program. Because one down may be too down for her and it may cost the whole family.

You call yourself the fixer, you have to start with you and that means GETTING REAL HELP. You do not understand the capabilities of the condition called Bipolar. All you know is how it comes out in your wife. You have to get help for you by someone who can truely help you FIX YOU AND THE SITUATION.

Open Eyes

Hi Fixxxer, I can totally identify with your turmoil. My boyfriend of 8 years is Schizophrenic and working towards recovery with his illness. By recovery I mean managing himself from day to day in a productive way. He behaved in a manner that was very similar to a bi polar and from what I understand BP and Schizophrenia are similar in some ways as far as out of control behavior. My bf has never been mean to me or hurtful he tended to turn negativity toward himself and was suicidal at one point. But he was emotionally unstable and wanted everything his way and wanted me to agree with everything he wanted and to be it wasnt what I wanted. so we had constant conflict. Im noticing that you said your wife wants control over everything and my bf wanted control of everything. Ok I believe your wife my want control on everything because it maybe a real part of her personality and the bi polar makes it worse and maybe she may also want control because she feels like the way she feels and acts is beyond her control. My bf wanted to have contol of everything because he couldnt control himself. I had to constantly tell him that he doesnt have a right to control me or anyone else but himself over the years he finally got thee message and he finally started mellowing out after some years on meds. But another thing that is essential for you to survive is try not to take things personally I know easy for me to say right? I use to take everything my bf say to heart and get wound up about it and it had a dire effect on my health. Ive learned maybe I can ignore stupid things ya know? but always stand up for yourself like you`ve been doing. but learn to pick battles more carefully. Also find a support group its free till u can afford the serice you need. build your support system with other husbands of bi polar wives. find ways to maintain your own physical and mental and emotional healthy no matter whats going on around you good luck!