How should I feel?

Whenever my husband is tired or upset (normally it's that he's annoyed with his family), he becomes very quiet and short with me. He is prone to snapping at me. This mood of his is very difficult for me as I'm highly insecure and have a hard time believing that it's not my fault, that he doesn't hate me, etc.

I've worked up the courage to tell him that I don't appreciate when he does this to me and he says that he'll try to control his tongue, but it still happens occasionally and, unless I bring it up later, he never apologizes on his own which makes me feel like maybe he doesn't care (although, I know this isn't true.)

I'm not really sure how to feel or how to treat this situation. I'm not sure what the "normal" response would be, as I can only see it from an insecure standpoint. Nobody is perfect, so should I try to just focus on the fact that he's trying and accept that everybody slips up sometimes?

Any perspective or advice is greatly appreciated!

Welcome to Psych Central.

I so understand where you are coming from. From my experience, I had to work on myself and let the other person deal with their own stuff (though I did tell them how their response affected me).

Because of my past experiences, any time someone showed any type of irritation, I automatically felt it was because of me. I didn't know if their responses were normal or over the top but regardless, it caused a lot of stress inside my head.

I had to do a lot of self talk. Once I established with this person that they weren't angry at me and I hadn't done anything, I had to choose to believe them, no matter what my brain was saying. Then I had to do a LOT of self talk, letting myself know that it was not because of me and not my fault. I had to do it each and every time they got short with me. I just did a quick, "Are you mad at me or your situation?" or "Did I offend you or is this your stuff?" I needed that reassurance that it wasn't me. I still ask and I still do self talk when I can't determine the situation or it throws me into a panic. It has gotten a little easier for me to do and I'm a lot faster at doing it now instead of falling into my own flashback and/or memory issues.

It's so hard when we react to things that might have been from our past.

Perhaps you can try this with your husband? If he knows how it affects you, perhaps you can ask him each time if it's about you and then do some self talk? I know it's difficult, even with the self talk, but I do think it can get easier.

Good luck with your journey.

It's such a relief to hear that someone else has experienced this exact same thing. I've felt so alone in all of these feelings until now.

After our initial talk, we both decided that it'd be helpful if I asked those types of questions. Often times though, in his bad mood, if I ask, "Are you mad at me?" he'll reply with an irritated tone, "Why would I be mad at you?" which makes me feel even worse like maybe he really is, which tends to trigger a lot of past feelings (which I've explained to him). Should I just let these things go since he's in a bad mood?

I do try to practice self-talk. It's just very hard for me to trust that when he says he's not angry with me, he's not. He's made it very clear that he'll never lie about his feelings. Still, I'm always so scared that he really is upset with me and that he'll just continue to keep it from me, all the while becoming more and more resentful. I know that he'd never do that, but when I'm in that anxious state, rational thoughts are so difficult to hear. I will keep doing self-talk though and hopefully things will work out. Thank you for the help!

My guess is he has developed a habit (snapping) and for all intents and purposes you have too (putting up with it). I'd be inclined to say firmly but not hatefully, at the time he is snapping at you: "I don't appreciate your tone" or "when you are short with me it hurts my feelings" or "No need to snap." I'd repeat it as often as it took for him to change his habit or for me to become desensitized to his habit. Is he able to apologize for other things? Or does he just never apologize for anything? I sincerely believe that the person who can offer a sincere apology where it is needed and who can accept a sincere apology when it is offered are much happier people overall.

I think I over-generalized a little. He does apologize when he snaps sometimes. I'll say something similar to what you suggested and he immediately apologizes. He has no problems with apologizing and is always quick to right a wrong or admit fault. It's only sometimes, when I choose to just put up with it, that he doesn't really notice that his behavior is upsetting. I think that might just be my fault.

I don't think you are at fault. I send you love and patience, and I hope someone wiser than I am can offer you a good suggestion.