[AvidReader]

My husband told me he wanted a divorce nearly a month ago; since then, nothing has happened, mostly because his work has been extremely busy, and tomorrow he and the kids leave on a 2-week trip back East to visit his family. (I can't wait to have the house to myself for a bit, although I'll miss the kids like crazy!)

In the past month, I've slipped up BIG TIME talking to my two older daughters, who next month will be 14 and 13 -- a hard enough age as it is without dealing with your parents divorcing.

I have, in bursts of extreme immaturity, lashed out and told them my husband has likely been bad-mouthing me to his family and that he's corresponding with various women on Facebook, which is why he wants a divorce. I don't really know if either of those is true.

After the first outburst, I sat the kids down (I have a 9-year-old son, too) and explained to them that I'd been really immature to start venting to them, that the divorce is between me and their dad, and that it was not wise of me to start venting about my problems to them. That was several days ago, but I just lost my temper again, viewing some comment on my husband's Facebook page.

I know, I know, I know that I am NOT to get the kids in the middle of this. I love them dearly and do not want them to suffer in any way. Yet I get so upset sometimes, and the atmosphere of tension in the house has been almost unbearable.

When they get back from vacation if he still has not moved out or filed papers I likely will confront him.

Perhaps I should have posted this under the Spiritual Support section. I just hope and pray that I can refrain in the future from making stupid, inappropriate statements to my kids.

I'm just so sad and frustrated....

[cutebagaddict08]

Hello- I understand how this can be very emotionally draining for you. It's strong of you to realize that maybe you vented to much information to your daughters. It's understandable that you would vent, and need to vent.
My parents got divorced when I was 19 and my sister was 14. We were old enough to form our own opinions and feelings towards our parents. (and yes, my mom and dad both vented to us at times, little comments here and there about eachother. It was hard to hear, and I think I lost a relationship with my dad in the begining because of it.)
I don't think parents realize how much kids 'see' and 'understand' during a divorce, I think even young kids can pick up on the unstable feelings between the mom and dad.
My advice is: I think you should defiently talk to your husband. He should not have thown 'I want a divorce' at you, and then ignore it for a month and take the kids on vacation like nothing has happened. It's unfair to you and unfair to your kids. The entire family is affected by divorce not just the parents. Your husband needs to be confronted, he can't make a drastic comment about divorce to you, then not have the balls to deal with the aftermath. It sounds like your husband wants you to do the his dirty work- it is very unfair to you and your kids. If you and your husband ignore the 'possible divorce' this could even further damage you and your kids relationships.

(((AvidReader)))--that there is a tough time you are going through right now...I send you my hopes and positive energy for a quieter outcome.

Wouldn't it help a bit if, since Facebook and what is on there triggers you; that you not go there? Sounds like you only hurt yourself and the volatile emotions spinning inside you now. You have enough triggers, enough pain, anger, resentment to handle without allowing that to make it all worse.

You are in my thoughts; I am so sorry to hear of this cataclysmic event in your life.

I send you hopes for a brighter, calmer future.-----------Pax theo

[Rhiannonsmoon]

That's good advice theodora. (((AvidReader))) if you know you will get upset, don't go there. Because it is the kids who end up paying too, and I can tell from the way you write that you really don't want that.

Vent to us, that is one of the reasons we're here I think, so that we can safely vent without upsetting the kids, the dog, the inlaws etc.

Thinking of you and hoping that things are calmer...remember to breaaaaaatheeeee

[silverbells]

Okay, I just lost a post somewhere, so forgive me if this shows up twice:

I'm kind of radical when it comes to this sort of thing - my parents fought, and it was an enormous relief when my stepmother would confide in me. It really diffused all the tension in the house because I could see very plainly what he was doing to her every day, and as a human being (I remember it was really bad when i was about ten) I very badly NEEDED for her to talk to me about it. I really wouldn't say that it harmed me in the least - which is in complete contrast to the way HIS BEHAVIOR harmed me (and her).

There have been things that I've simply had to tell my daughter about regarding my husband and his family before she went to spend time with them. I had to be sure she was armed with certain knowledge, and in general, I'm afraid i really wonder WHO ON earth made up these court mandated rules about talking about your spouse - denial and collusion are very powerful tools, adn all the while I'm thinking: "I don't want to keep my daughter in the dark about the TWISTED nature of human behavior and have her make the same naive mistakes I did." I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT supposed to say this, but everything inside of me says: "Don't be hard on yourself. Talk to your kids and ask them how it affects them when you confide in them. i'm sorry, but I do give my kid a lot of power in life - a lot more than my ex would have her have - I try never to underestimate her and the complexity of what she needs emotionally, and she and everyone around me assures me I'm doing just fine w/ her. Call me nuts, but I do believe there IS a possibility that they appreciate you for it. And if they don't, then they can articulate to you about why not. Then it becomes easier for you to comply with their wishes, just like it's easier for a kid to do the right thing when he or she understands the consequences, more so than when an adult says: "Because I said so". You're under an enormous amount of stress right now. Don't let morays cow you into behaving a certain way - think it through and try to get a level head by venting to Crisis Intervention or a woman's hot line, and then talk to them about their feelings about what's going on. You might find out a LOT about how they feel about your venting just from letting THEM vent. There are many people who believe that kids are every bit as smart and complex as adults (sometimes smarter!) and I'm one of them - AS LONG AS YOU DON'T OVERWHELM THEM or burden them inappropriately - and I think they're capable of telling you when they're overwhelmed (usually - unless things have been really unhealthy for a long time). it's hard to know where that line is - and this may not be your first priority right now (a good lawyer is perhaps your first priority), but Bruno Bettelheim is the best author I know on the subject. Reading A Good Enough Parent is what I believe the best gift you can give a child. And my goodness HANG IN THERE and remember YOUR needs - get ALL the moral support you can - divorce is one of the most difficult things a person can face. And DivorceCare classes saved my life. See DivorceCare.org, and keep us posted. This site is SO wonderful in terms of support and loving advice.

[AvidReader]

Thank you all so much for your comments and input; I really appreciate it! I guess I need to remember the line between the healthy sharing of information, even if some of it is emotional, and the unhealthy (for the kids) venting about petty things like whether he is bad-mouthing me. It's just that sometimes the stress and rage just overwhelm me.

I have been slowly building up some social support groups. We've moved a lot (like six times in the last 12 years), so it's been hard to maintain a consistent social network. But now I'm in a Christian book study group, and I go to Al-Anon, and I'm in individual as well as group therapy. And, of course, the kind people here at PC.

I totally agree with you all that I must stay away from Facebook, since that is a huge trigger for me. I myself am not a member, but I do scan my daughters' pages about once a week to make sure nothing inappropriate is there. I need to leave it at that and just check quickly and log off.

Cutebagaddict, I had to laugh at your comment "Your husband needs to be confronted, he can't make a drastic comment about divorce to you, then not have the balls to deal with the aftermath" because that is EXACTLY how I feel! I am actualllyquite furious with him, but I am NOT going to make this easier for him. I do not want a divorce -- I think we have a good chance of working things out -- so if he wants to file, then he needs to file.

Thank you again. You all have given me some food for thought, as well as kind support, which I genuinely appreciate -- more than I can adequately express.

[AvidReader]

Forgot to add, that yes, I've heard of DivorceCare, silverbells. My sister went through a divorce and highly recommended it. I checked the site, and it looks like there is a group in my area, although they have not formally registered with the DivorceCare site (although the address was listed). I notice they have a kids' DivorceCare group, too, which is nice to know.