[SerenityNow1981]

I am having them. It's been 8 months with my current beau, and it was all working out well. He is of course supportive, understanding, good to me. Then, I find out he's having cyber sex everyday with other women. I'm hurt and confused and haven't deided what to do. He tells me he is addicted and he needs help, and honestly, I agree, I think it is out of control. He has been there for me and especially supportive since I was diagnosed bi-polar, so my first inclination is to be there for him. But on the other hand I feel betrayed and hurt. This is not the first time he's been caught by me, but it is the most prolific and epic. I think he thought he had it so well hidden that he just went crazy with it. I don't need advice on what to do, stay with him or not, I'll figure it out. (but if you want to give me advice, I'll listen) I mostly just want someone to say "this situation sucks!" as much as I am feeling it.

[ljohnson3031]

This situation does suck for you. Cyber sex is still a form of cheating. He is emotionally giving himself to someone else and pretending to have sex with someone over a computer. So what is to keep him from doing it physically next. If you didnt catch him this early in it you probably would have been cheated on soon. Personally I would see that as a large warning sign and if you could ever trust him. Ide call it quits.

[ACanthony]

Hi Elizabeth...well this situation does suck. You are probably experiencing a lot of emotions! You want to be there for him and you want to get him help but at the same time you are wondering why he did this to you? I used to have a bad addiction to pornography. I'm free from it now. And I have to say that stuff is very addicting. It's a form of escapism. It's sexual yet in a way it has nothing to do with sex...it's a way of killing time...of feeling different and not feeling numb. This may be hard to believe but I don't think it has anything to do with you.

I can't give you advice. I trust you are smart enough to deal with it on your own. What I would do...I'd really try to communicate with him. You have to see for yourself how willing he is to get help. I don't think I personally would rush into any decision. You sound like you a very supportive person, so I'm sure you will make the best decision for him and for yourself as well.

I am very sorry you are going through this...it really isn't fair at all, is it? To be in a relationship with someone and then to experience this, life shouldn't be so hard. I feel for you, Elizabeth. I wish you well.

I like your quote, btw, is that from Seinfeld?

[SerenityNow1981]

Acanthony, Thanks for your response! I know that my bfs behavior is not a reflection on me, I have done nothing to deserve this. He has told me that he does not think of the girls he does this with as being real, and I suppose to him they are like an interactive pornography that cators to him. I am very traumatized by his lying, and the mistrust I feel for him is extraordinary. It doesn't help that we have a semi-long distance relationship where we are apart 3 nights a week and these are when the events escalate in frequency.

I feel like he might be saying he needs help as a distraction to me. We both have psych degrees. He said he wanted help and I asked if he was interested in persuing that if we broke up or would he continue the harmful behavior, and he said no he wouldn't seek help if I left him. You can't lick an addiction if you are doing it for someone else.

Ugg. Festivis for the rest of us.

[ACanthony]

Well...ehhh...about the part where you can't beat the addiction if you are doing it for someone else...To be honest, I was addicted to porn for about 11 years (I'm 27 now). The moment I started going out with my ex was the moment I started getting free. I went a year without it while we dated. We broke up and I struggled with it but then was free again...but without her support I wouldn't have done it...you have to understand, these addictions, you almost feel worthless...it's like "why get free from it? For who? For what? No one loves me, etc"...then I got the support and it's like Alright! I love this girl and I'm going to do it for her. I also received help spiritually and started going to church...don't know if you believe in God but to me, it was what saved me.

Well the psych degrees probably makes it worse because people with psych degrees know what to say to fool you (i'm a psychologist myself).

If you want to talk more PM if ya'd like. It's probably a lot more complicated

[SerenityNow1981]

Yeah, um, there are no absolutes, support is different then just doing it for someone. As a motivation it is great, but I would never say "do this or I'm gone." I truley think for meaningful change he has to really want it. I just FEEL like he is saying whatever he thinks he needs to say to keep me, be it, I need help, I won't do it again, bla bla bla. My pain is quickly turning to anger. I don't the goal of his actions was physically cheating, but I think it could have escalated if someone stroked his ego enough.

Originally Posted by ACanthony

Well...ehhh...about the part where you can't beat the addiction if you are doing it for someone else...To be honest, I was addicted to porn for about 11 years (I'm 27 now). The moment I started going out with my ex was the moment I started getting free. I went a year without it while we dated. We broke up and I struggled with it but then was free again...but without her support I wouldn't have done it...you have to understand, these addictions, you almost feel worthless...it's like "why get free from it? For who? For what? No one loves me, etc"...then I got the support and it's like Alright! I love this girl and I'm going to do it for her. I also received help spiritually and started going to church...don't know if you believe in God but to me, it was what saved me.

Well the psych degrees probably makes it worse because people with psych degrees know what to say to fool you (i'm a psychologist myself).

If you want to talk more PM if ya'd like. It's probably a lot more complicated

[Silent_tsol]

Serenity, I wanted to give you a hug, because you probably need one . Yes this situation SUCKS a lot. You sounds like your doing well all things considered so I do think you'll decide on the best answer for you as far as the future of the relationship goes. Something none of us can decide for you anyways. That being said, a few words of wisdom from "being there"
1) Give yourself time. To process, to feel what you feel, to be gentle on yourself, to make major decisions, to grieve the loss of the honest relationship you thought you were in
2) Keep yourself healthy. Watch your eating and sleeping and make sure you get enough of both. If your moods deteriorate too much, talk to a counselor
3) Counselling (individual, couples, both) can be a huge help
4) It does get better

• in time
  if he's honest
  if he answers your questions
  if he's supportive

I agree that he can't fix the problem for you, he has to do it for him. But if he's willing to go, I wouldn't suggest otherwise. At some point he'll probably be asked why he's there, if he says "because my gf doesn't like what I did and told me to come", the counselor will probably set him straight, he'll learn that he needs to do it for him.

"I know that my bfs behavior is not a reflection on me, I have done nothing to deserve this."

I'm really happy you feel this way, and I hope as a psych major you can avoid falling into that trap. But it is all his responsibility to own.

Cheating is cheating, yes there are different "flavours" but they ALL suck. Your emotions all sound very normal considering the situation, hold on tight because they can roller coaster back and forth.

The only other thing I'll comment on, is because this sort of thing has happened before, and because it's always you finding out, never him confessing, trust will inevitably be difficult. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask for the passwords to the accounts he was using for these activities. Verifying that he's telling the truth will help him earn trust and make you feel more safe.

If you ever have questions, want to hear more of my psychobable or just want to vent, feel free to pm me

[SerenityNow1981]

Thank you for your response! All of these responses is exactly why I posted. It is such a big help. Rollar coaster doesn't even begin to describe it, I have fits of pain and hurt and then mysery, then elation tha I know. He has offered me the passwords to everything, he starts every conversation with "I promise you I am not hurting you by going online and indulging in these behaviors."

I just realized yesterday that I lost all of the building blocks to my formally great relationship because I can't think of any memory, even pleasent ones, without wondering how many girls he was emotionally intimate with that day. I told him that we would have to start over, day by day, and that I still don't know if the pain of repair is worth it. I feel like I will never trust him. He has told me repeatedly that now he knows he can't cheat on me becasue he will lose me, and I can't understand how it means something now and never before, when it meant the same thing. He is very patient with my journey. I mean, he has to be, but I know other men I have been with have a tendency to be defensive or try and rationalize, and he isn't doing that which is a big help. He seems to be taking responsability and wanting to keep me. But, I wonder how long it will be before he slips? Anyway, it puts me in such a position because I feel like I can't share this with anyone because if we stay together I don't want to color their perception of him, so I feel very alone. I am going to be seeing my counsler in two weeks, but that isn't the same really.

Thanks again for writing.

Elizabeth

Originally Posted by tsol25

Serenity, I wanted to give you a hug, because you probably need one . Yes this situation SUCKS a lot. You sounds like your doing well all things considered so I do think you'll decide on the best answer for you as far as the future of the relationship goes. Something none of us can decide for you anyways. That being said, a few words of wisdom from "being there"
1) Give yourself time. To process, to feel what you feel, to be gentle on yourself, to make major decisions, to grieve the loss of the honest relationship you thought you were in
2) Keep yourself healthy. Watch your eating and sleeping and make sure you get enough of both. If your moods deteriorate too much, talk to a counselor
3) Counselling (individual, couples, both) can be a huge help

4) It does get better

• 
  in time
  if he's honest
  if he answers your questions
  if he's supportive

I agree that he can't fix the problem for you, he has to do it for him. But if he's willing to go, I wouldn't suggest otherwise. At some point he'll probably be asked why he's there, if he says "because my gf doesn't like what I did and told me to come", the counselor will probably set him straight, he'll learn that he needs to do it for him.

"I know that my bfs behavior is not a reflection on me, I have done nothing to deserve this."

I'm really happy you feel this way, and I hope as a psych major you can avoid falling into that trap. But it is all his responsibility to own.

Cheating is cheating, yes there are different "flavours" but they ALL suck. Your emotions all sound very normal considering the situation, hold on tight because they can roller coaster back and forth.

The only other thing I'll comment on, is because this sort of thing has happened before, and because it's always you finding out, never him confessing, trust will inevitably be difficult. I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to ask for the passwords to the accounts he was using for these activities. Verifying that he's telling the truth will help him earn trust and make you feel more safe.

If you ever have questions, want to hear more of my psychobable or just want to vent, feel free to pm me

[SerenityNow1981]

Thank you for taking the time to write. This would honestly be my response to anyone in my own shoes, but we all know that things aren't black and white and I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. It is where I am leaning, but I am not ready.
Thanks again.
Elizabeth

Originally Posted by ljohnson3031

This situation does suck for you. Cyber sex is still a form of cheating. He is emotionally giving himself to someone else and pretending to have sex with someone over a computer. So what is to keep him from doing it physically next. If you didnt catch him this early in it you probably would have been cheated on soon. Personally I would see that as a large warning sign and if you could ever trust him. Ide call it quits.

[Silent_tsol]

They always say that you never know how you would react in an emergency situation, the same is true for cheating. I think for many many many people, including myself, it's listed on the top of the relationship deal breaker list. I mean who wants to stay in a relationship where they don't trust someone? But the thing that outraged me when my boyfriend told me about his cheating, was that somehow, I still loved him. And I kept thinking "what the hell is wrong with me? Why don't I just leave?" In real life it's not that simple. It's like that emergency situation, your feelings are still there, even if you desperately just want them to dissolve.

I'm really happy to here he's being open and supportive, right now it probably doesn't seem like much but it can be building block number 1. Yes you are kind of starting a new relationship and this one starts with your trust for him not at 0 but at -100.

"I can't think of any memory, even pleasent ones, without wondering how many girls he was emotionally intimate with that day"

Sometimes it helps if he can write out a timeline for you. With as much detail as you need and as accurate as he can remember (or look up if he still has emails to reference). This can help answer your questions and give you a framework to work with.

"But, I wonder how long it will be before he slips?"

By checking the accounts it will help decrease how often you think this. Watch his actions, look to see how he's changing to be a different person than the one who would slip.

"I feel like I can't share this with anyone because if we stay together I don't want to color their perception of him, so I feel very alone"

It is very isolating. I told one friend, and she was as shocked as I was. She was supportive but I could see her silently wondering why I was still with him? I had to be crazy. And after some time I just felt like I couldn't burden her with talking about it as frequently as I thought about it. It's great if your bf is there to listen. Don't hide your thoughts/feelings from him, let him be there to support you and give him the chance to prove that he's worth it.

It takes a long time, but it does slowly get better.