[silverbells]

You know - being surrounded by mean-spirited people, I'm really beginning to UNDERSTAND why they're mean, and it's REALLY helped me to learn to just anticipate it, instead of walking into a hornet's nest unprotected. People are angry and rude for all sorts of reasons that have nothing to do with me, or sometimes have to do with me indirectly, but I can't help but set them off because I remind them of someone who's tortured them all their lives or something. And maybe I say things inadvertently that irk people, but I'm not sure HOW I could be more careful than I am, and I certainly never GO OUT OF MY WAY to just HURT people, or even retaliate if they've hurt me. I don't get it. And I do have all these wonderful self-help techniques, and I've actually got the courage to go onto this other website on which someone has really seemed to attack me and try to straighten it out, and there's ALL this ugly ugly abusive junk in my past, so it really does hook me, but I just have never really had a good healthy forum of which to ask this question: How do you guys deal with mean people? It's just such FOREIGN behavior to me.

[silverbells]

I'm so proud to report to you all that I went RIGHT to the website and posted a private message to this person who I THINK gave me a swipe (it's really hard for me to tell - I've been so isolated lately and so cut off from the experience I need to navigate it all because I've allowed myself to be so isolated! . Anyway, I was SO appropriate (and so scared), but I didn't hesitate for a moment. PHEW. Thank you all for being here!

[Night*Blossum]

I kinda just ignore them. Besides not a lot people are mean to me so I don't usually have to deal with them (there are a few though that REALLY can't stand me) but I try not to let it get the best of me. I pretty much just get out my headphones and blast my ears drums out until they just go away or stop trying. If you don't acknowledge them, they'll go away. Trust me. ;] lol

[silverbells]

You're the best. Thank you!

[silverbells]

Okay, I just gotta say this: I PM'd this woman to be clear about a msg she'd posted, and I'm telling you - SOOO STUPID-BLUUUUUUUNT - and you know - I'm smart and worldly enough to be able to tell that she REALLY didn't mean to be rude - in fact she said over and over that she didn't mean to be rude - and then she would just say the RUDEST THIIIIINGS - THIS is the problem I have with LIIIIIIIFE - I'm like: "I CAN'T SAY THESE RUDE THINGS - WHY ON EARTH does everyone else not only get away with it - they have the GALL to say that you should toughen up if you want to discuss this or that. Since when does discussing this or that involve getting SMACKED AROUND? This website is proof that BAD BEHAVIOR JUST ISN'T NECESSARY - you know? People are just so competitive and they're just LORDING their knowledge over everyone and everything and a discussion just becomes this font for everyone to impress one another so that they're not even discussing things - they're just BLAZING thru the discussion to show you how accomplished they are. UGH. THIS is why I'm a loner (actually, I'm not a loner - i'm just becoming very very very very careful about who I spend time with) (ha ha - LIKE MY CAAAAAAAAT! ((just kidding - I really am reaching out very carefully and finding just wonderful people!)) (but my LORD - I never thought I'd have to be THIS careful!) Anyway: , !!!

[silverbells]

...She is right about one thing, though - I ramble too much. I gotta get a handle on that. UGH. I'm sorry if I ramble, Everyone. I'm REALLY going to try to stop. Ugh. WHAT an exCRUciatingly difficult thought!

[Flooded]

I love the "ignore list" function

[silverbells]

Originally Posted by Flooded

I love the "ignore list" function

Flooded: What a PROFOUND quote - I LOOOOOVE that quote! But can i ask you to elaborate on what you meant by your reply?

[Flooded]

Originally Posted by silverbells

Flooded: What a PROFOUND quote - I LOOOOOVE that quote! But can i ask you to elaborate on what you meant by your reply?

People who give me the shits or trigger me go on my ignore list. Especially on facebook.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

There are a couple on my ignore list...rather than read their "stuff" and have it trigger me, it was so much easier to use that ignore list.

I used to be one of those people who only took my foot out of my mouth long enough to change feet...and I truly didn't intend to be rude or upset people. So I did some of that meditating and had an epiphany....no foot in mouth...and friends with everyone who is not on my ignore list

.

[silverbells]

Wow - COOL epiphany! (emoticon w/ its mouth hanging open). It feels so good to read this. Thank you both so much. You behave EXACTLY the way people SHOULD behave!

[silverbells]

OH FLOODED AND RHIANNONSMOON! YOU HAVE CHANGED MY WHOLE DAY!!! Thank you so much again, and know that your posts mean more than you know! (PS: Flooded, I'm assuming your profile picture means you struggle w/ anger, and I'm very sorry for that - but I suggest you watch the bear on Riannonsmoon's profile - it just puts you in a GREAT mood, doesn't it?)

[Open Eyes]

Well often people are angry and negetive all the time because they have low self esteem. They often get frustrated by it and so whenever they do interact it turns out poorly only adding to their anger. It can be frustrating for someone who actually wants to interact and learn from others as they are often pushed aside and stepped on. So don't give up or think that you have to outsmart the other person who is being mean to you.

You have to take into consideration that many people grow up never really learning the skills of how to be assertive and develope good skills in interacting with others.
I think that it is more common now as we have so much technology where even though it appears that we do converse more, we actually can be more damaged by our lack of really learning how to do it. With all these cell phones that go with us everywhere we are constantly on call to all the people we interact with, and that includes business customers etc.

Yes we are now in a world wind of conversation and often any lack is only punished in more ways than one can imagine. I personally don't over indulge myself in twitter and facebook and whatever else is out there to drag myself into. And I never really had the time before to devote myself to constant conversation. Actually joining PC has been my only real effort to take time out to this type of atmosphere. It has been useful to me as I am addressing a lot at the moment and working my way through it and I have learned a lot by coming to PC. But my goal is to get back to or move onto a better way of getting busy again at life.

Before I was always in such a foward productive motion. Then I was hit with a bad experience and given a diagnosis of PTSD. And all the bad experiences I live through in my past are all clumped together for some reason. And so I have learned that what I thought I had fought through and overcome was only building up in some unconscious way. And I am working very hard on addressing it. I have to say it is very challenging, but I am determined.

But not to get off topic here. I just wanted to encourage you silverbells to keep learning how to be assertive in interacting with others. But you will come across others that will not be able to do anything other than express anger. So it is a waste of time for you to try to make it be a battle you think you need to engage in.

Just keep focusing on trying to make postive efforts to learn how to express youself and build self esteem. Dont try to beat them and especially don't join them.

Open Eyes

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have learned the hard way that i cannot afford to deal for too long with people as you describe silverbells (love that username by the way ).

I cannot please everyone.

People are going to be the way they are (at least for me). I can't make them be kind to me. And I can't make myself always be "right" for them.

It is impossible for me to avoid meanness.

I have learned a powerful antidote: Be kind to ourselves and be kind to others and don't worry about THEIR stuff so much; it's not about us, usually, it's about them.

Billi

[silverbells]

You guys are so wonderful. I cannot tell you how it feels to begin to have found a website on which I really think I belong. And it's because you guys are you! Isnt' it just AMAZING - this site? And EVERY word of your posts is so very very very correct - you've said ABSOLUTELY the right things. I was just offered a job and I think I'll LOVE it - so my head is spinning a little - so I want to get a cup of coffee and write a very long response in response to your responses! I HAVE A GOOD JOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!!!!

[silverbells]

Open Eyes – it’s so TRUE – I’m FIFTY years old and I’m just beginning to trust the facts that you outlined: low self-esteem = poor interaction = anger escalating = BOOM – the NICE person gets slammed because he/she happens to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I KNOW this is true, intellectually, and I think I am making progress, and perhaps am becoming fully able to function thru it all (I can’t even TELL – it’s been such a murky subject for me all of my life!) But don’t you wish there was some METER SYSTEM or SOMETHING built in to people’s foreheads? It could be really simple – like a tiny little light – it could even be decorative! Like a bindi! And it would be green when the person is happy and thus SAFE, and it should turn RED when the FREAKING ***** is about to TAKE ALL HER RAGE OUT ON YOUUUUUU! Anyway, I think it’s SUCH a core and universally important issue, because I see so many bright people on this website who are really freaked because they’ve become isolated, and with this sort of phenomenon floating around ALL thru EVERY corner of the world, who WOULDN’T want to isolate themselves? ESPECAILLY if you’re not armed with the simple pieces of knowledge you guys are imparting – and I’m NOT poo-pooing your knowledge in any way!!!! Those sentences are a LIFELINE for me – but the SOLUTION to dealing with thoughts that can complicate your ENTIRE life is really very simple, and can be boiled down to a few sentences. Isn’t that just amazing?



And I’m so sorry that you’re stuck with a case of PTSD right now. Your sentence: “All the bad experiences … in my past are all clumped together”, it’s the very nature of PTSD, huh? And when you said: “What I thought I had fought thru and overcome was only building up in some unconscious way” - that’s why it’s so difficult – it’s SO tangled and overwhelming and discouraging – when you work SO hard to face and resolve issues and you find it feels like a big cosmic joke – that maybe you were fooling yourself that you’ve healed at all. I’m not minimizing how heavy all that feels – because I’ve been there – truly – but I feel CERTAIN that you’ve made progress – it’s just that you’re out of touch with it right now – and no wonder – if something really terrible has happened to put you in that place. We feel so unprotected and just freaked about the world. I am a very strong proponent (although I have no idea if I’m really right – I just know it’s worked for me) of staying inside and licking one’s wounds for however long it takes. And that a bad experience is just creating the ILLUSION that you haven’t made progress. I got a book on PTSD recently – the only one I’ve ever seen that’s seemed thorough and – I don’t know – “searching” enough to be – oh, “ammunition-enough” to really give PTSD a good go. And frankly it’s just too upsetting for me to even sit down with yet – and I’ve had it for about three months! I’m just sweeping it all under the carpet for the time being – ha ha. But it’s called Healing from Trauma, by Jasmin Lee Cori, MS, LPC. And it’s all SO unpredictable and beyond my control, but ironically, sweeping it under the carpet for a while has been very effective – I’ve bolstered other areas of my life (out of necessity – so those issues sort of pushed themselves to the forefront WITHOUT my CONSENT!), but all those activities (my new little job) give me the confidence – it’s like a – I don’t know – like a crust of confidence – but when you think about it, crusts are very important – they help things literally to survive! The book is tough to read – because the author’s been thru a lot, and I really am not sure if I trust her with the process, but it’s certainly the best book I’ve seen so far on the subject.

And your closing remarks re: mean people were so healing for me. It IS a waste of time – and it IS a process – and I just can’t tell you how great it feels that you’ve acknowledged all that for me!

And billi leli, you should know that silver bells comes from the nursery rhyme, not the Xmas carol (which makes me generally an uncooperative person!! HA HA HA!!) And I DO fall into being right for other people – it’s – WOW – talk about PTSD – if I looked back at my life and really saw how much time I’ve wasted trying to be right for other people – I’d just pass out – just like that – I’m sure of it. And I really do try to avoid meanness, and then I base my self esteem on whether I’m avoiding in effectively or not – isn’t that just NUTS? Can you SEE how important this conversation is to me? I’m telling you – it’s a lifeline. And being kind to ourselves and others REALLY DOES work. I KNOW this – it’s just that people catch me off guard sometimes. But it’s always about them. You know – sometimes they come in SUCH convincing packages – I can see if some unkempt person gave me a jab or something, but appearnces have NOTHING to do with it. And if that person appears to be successful and has worked his or her way into authority somehow – my mind just SHUTS off and I assume they’re right and I’m a worthless speck. You’re helping me to pick all this apart so I can navigate it. I just need to keep working on this. Thank you SO SO much!

[Open Eyes]

Thank you silverbells. We are about the same age and would probably enjoy a pot of tea together and have a good chat.

Your reponse was also very supportive because even though we have been through so much together at our age we have stopped and reflected on who we really are and how we really interact with others. I understand your desire to find the gumption to go back and address that mean person. It really had nothing to do with them and everything to do with you deciding to take a stand. And I am sure if you look back there may have been many times where you didn't take a stand. Or, as with me, there were many times when I was the only one to take a stand and it did not buy me any friends. It played heavy on my psychie as I did not get a lot of support for what was clearly the right thing to do. I was somewhat revered for my courage and yet others chose to just move with the flow and not make any statements by joining in my choice to expose something terrible or negligent.

I can remember an example where someone who was and is a socialite was not watering her horses and even leaving them out in storms and they would also be left out in swarms of flyies and one could see them running around soaked in sweet just attracting more flies. And there were times I would pass by and see them standing in the hot sun all around a water troft. A thought came to my mind in wonder if there was any water in that water troft. Shortly after that this woman went away and left a neighbor that I knew in charge of taking care of the horses. One was a pony and it wasn't feeling well, the socialite instructed the neighbor if it died to call a man she listed on a piece of paper to come an bury the animal. This neighbor drove up to my house and was very upset as the pony was laying on the ground and would not get up. She wanted to help the pony and seemed to know that I would know what to do. And that is when I found out that there was no water in the troft as I suspected just the previous two days and it was often very low and dirty and slimy at best. I realized that the pony was old, the neighbor told me the pony had cushings which is something some ponies and even horses get and those animals need to drink a lot of water and can be treated very inexpensively and can feel much better. Well, I gave the neighbor some medication that I always keep on hand to combat pain in horses and ponies and I told her to give it about 40 minutes and see if it helped and to get that pony drinking and hydrated. I was right the pony got up when the medication kicked in. I told her to call the vet too and just have the socialite pay the bill.

I was very angry about this and the neighbor was too. After the socialite came home her dog got loose and it was in my yard. She was not home and I called the neighbor (the same one that took care of the sick pony) to help me catch the dog and asked what I could do with the dog. This neighbor came and got the dog and kept the dog at her house until the socialite came home. But this neighbor told me that the dog gets loose all the time and has almost gotten hit by a vehicle at least twice. So, I called the socialite woman with the horses and the dog and told her to please contain her dog and also water is free and EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW YOU DON'T WATER YOUR HORSES. Ok, for a socialite that is not such a good thing now is it? To have people talking about her negligence. Now a couple of horse people came up to me in wonder about how someone like her could just get away with that behavior and yet everyone likes her. I simply said that it was more about being a part of the proverbial group than making any waves. Well, they did exactly what I expected. They grouped back with this socialite and they all ignored me amost avoidingly so. So they all know that I will speak up when they need that service again and thats about it. How does that grab you? Mark Twaine quote: "The good shall be lonely".

So sometimes silverbelle it is appropriate to make a stand. And other times silverbelle, it just isn't worth the effort. But when I come across an angry person who sometimes stands alone, I do understand there can be many reasons why.
I have to admit that I have some anger in storage. There have been many people who have disappointed me. But I don't hate people, I hate how some of my life experiences have accumulated without my knowing and I now address this thing called PTSD. And I know what you mean about the crust and I know what you mean about the need for seclusion. Because that is where I have been. But I am focusing on that crust that comes and goes as hope and encouragement. And in that I am truely happy for your joy in that new job, I truely know what that means, HOPE.

I gave you support silverbells but you also returned that kindness.

Open Eyes

[silverbells]

for now! I'll write more soon!

[lisaxtiffany]

i have been asking the same question basically all my life. The only thing I know is to cuss them out, but that is unhealthy. I as well would like to know what to say to people who call me demeaning names like "ugly" "fat" "psycho" .... you know

[silverbells]

Originally Posted by lisaxtiffany

i have been asking the same question basically all my life. The only thing I know is to cuss them out, but that is unhealthy. I as well would like to know what to say to people who call me demeaning names like "ugly" "fat" "psycho" .... you know

lisaxtiffany: PEOPLE are so WROOOONG! I'm wondering - did reading this help you at all?

[Open Eyes]

((((lisaxtiffany))))))

I am sorry people are mean to you too. I do hope you know that the behavior you are describing is because the person who is mean is actually someone who has low self esteem. They act the way they do as a way to try to build themselves up at the expense of others. Another reason for this behavior is also due to childhood neglect or even some abuse which can make someone turn into a bully.

I met a woman who was often known to get together with others and pick on people.
She had a big beautiful farm and a nice horse and was the member of a riding group.
That group was very cliquey and I joined but I didn't really stay in it, I don't like cliquey people, they often tell you who to like and who not to like. I like who I want and I don't like to pick on people. Anyway it turns out that she was a really unhappy person who was married to an alcoholic husband. And it made her very shallow and angry.

So just ignore those mean people who pick on you. Focus on yourself, if they see that they bother you they will keep on picking, so just ignore them. I know it can be hard but just keep in mind that they are the ones that are not healthy, not you.

Open Eyes

[lmiDAKiml]

People are angry for any number of reasons, some justified, some not. There are of course people that simply enjoy the unhappiness (real or imagined) they cause people to feel. Generally speaking, if you feel that someone is deliberately attempting to incite a reaction from you, it is best to simply ignore them. Personally, I restrict 'ignore author' functions for people that I feel there is absolutely no benefit in interacting with; they don't even have to be particularly abrasive.

In short, look at the source and don't just assume that every person has an axe to grind. In particular, unless people are specifically asking for advice, they don't always respond well to it. It can be very difficult to detect tone and intent without pitch and body language so your benevolent efforts to assist them could possibly be perceived as condescending or patronizing.