[Phoenix(not)]

Hello, I am new here and I am also mostly recovered from complex-PTSD.

PTSD has left me a much more empathetic and caring person. My partner is a PTSD-er and her anxiety disorder has kind of been a common / "binding" factor in our relationship growing.

When she is at ease, she is great and all is well. When some stressor exists (typically following some contact with her former husband or son who are both addicted people (gambling and alcohol) I am experiencing relationship difficulties because I cannot take her constant criticism of me. She is relentless and I keep distancing myself from her in an effort to minimise her criticism. She knows she does it and is apologetic.

Things she criticises me about include things like "I am mean", "I am uncaring", "I am not empathetic", "I chat to my son too much", "I spend too much money on moisturiser" ad infinitum. (I am not mean or anything bad - I'm a good guy - I just have not got lots of money to be frivolous with)

Each episode leaves me emotionally more distant as I seek to reduce causation of more criticism and this then becomes a viscious cycle because she calls it "passive-aggressive" behaviour. I guess it is but I am a gentle person and not argumentative, even conflict-avoiding maybe.

These episodes happen at increasing frequency and I am becoming very unhappy. I don't know what to do as she depends on me and is otherwise alone in the world (she is a migrant from eastern Europe). I don;t know whether to seem callous and uncaring and move to end the relationship (but she has nowhere else to go) or ???. I appeal to her to stop criticising me and she keeps bouncing back and is then nice again. I am becoming to feel I should not have partnered with another PTSD-er.

Has anyone got some suggestions here? I have searched and read exisitng questions and could find no suggestions.

[Soul Quake]

She can apologize all she wants, but unless she makes a conscious, and continuous effort to give you respect, the apologies are nothing more than lip service.

If "callous and uncaring" applies to anyone, it is this woman. Don't sacrifice yourself and your peace of mind just so you can house this woman and be her only 'constant.'

She's an adult, she needs to take responsibility for her behavior and alter it.

I just have not got lots of money to be frivolous with

Is this a typo? If it's feasible, and she is willing, what about therapy?

[Perna]

You can really only change yourself and your perspective? If you are not worried about the names she calls you, are confident in yourself and who you are, then they shouldn't bother you to be called them; it should puzzle you a little that she calls you those names. I use the phrase, "your mother wears combat boots" to see the difference between name calling that makes no difference (because my mother does not wear them and, if she did, I'd think, "so what"?) and name calling that strikes some nerve and makes me feel bad.

Feelings are all our own; other people don't "make us feel bad", we do it to ourselves through our relationship to ourselves. If other people could make us feel bad, all people would feel equally as bad at each criticism? But it happens that criticisms that hurt are tailor-made to us based on our own background and world view.

I have always been very honest, and known myself to be so, but had a boyfriend who would claim that if I was not with him, I was "obviously" with another man. That use to make me livid because there was no way I could make him believe/know that I wasn't like that and was not with another man and that his whole premise didn't follow. That's the trap we fall into; we look at the other person and their point of view and try to change that instead of looking at why we, ourselves, are bothered by what they say.

Look at and challenge her criticisms within your own self; "accept" that she sees you in this way for some reason and realize that it is how SHE sees you, not how you are.

"You are mean". Think about that internally. Reflect it and get more information from her about her statement/point of view? Ask her, "About what in particular?" or, "Why do you say that?" If someone told me "You are mean!" it would remind me of the taunts of childhood?

Remember when you or your friends would get really frustrated but didn't have the words to express it and had to resort to what you now, as an adult, see as "silly" rejoinders? It sounds like your foreign girlfriend gets frustrated because she does not get her way or something she wants and doesn't have the words yet or ability to express it very well? If she is very dependent on you emotionally or financially, etc. she almost has to criticize you because she has/knows no other way to get what she wants or needs? If you deny her, she is like a denied child because of her dependence.

Help her become more independent? Help her become happier and healthier in her own life and she won't have to criticize you, she will be able to address her own needs. But if you like her dependence, foster it and don't help her grow, she will be stuck (unless she herself decides to work hard to become independent without your help) and only have you to relate to (like a parent).

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It certainly doesn't help your self-esteem!

Is your partner seeing a therapist for the PTSD?? I would HOPE so. If she is, suggest to her (when she's in a nicer mood) to mention this to her therapist. Ask her to talk to the therapist about WHY she says such negative things to you -- causing you to back away & question the relationship. She needs some professional help with this. Maybe she attacks you because you're THERE -- when actually she is upset with someone else altogether.

I hope she'll talk to a therapist about this. It isn't doing your relationship any good. If she refuses to, or denies doing it -- you may have to re-think this whole arrangement. And don't feel BOUND because she has no where else to go --- she's a big girl and needs to take care of herself. You're not her caretaker. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Phoenix(not)]

Thanks all for these valuable insights. I used to be very active in a PTSD forum when I was acute and found it to be a real "life-saver".

She is into year 3 of psycho-therapy and has a lot of issues to deal with. Some I have been told about (in general) and others not. She is a full-time university student learning counseling and she is keenly interested in alcohol and gambling addictions because these broke up her family unit. I an extremely tolerant and compassionate but her behaviours towards me are slowly eroding any confidence I might have aout this relationship enduring. In amny way she is the kind of lady I have always dreamed of but this "dark side" is a "biggie".

Since doing this post I cofessed I had gone to a forum to seek objective advice about how to cope with this recurring problem. I explained to her how I feel I am in a perpetual state of readiness for the next "blow-up" and the relationship to end. I told her this expectancy state is not healthy and is beyond my life experience. She has taken my concerns on board and is going to stop see about taking an anger management counseling. She knows her blow-ups are her amygdala engaging instead of frontal cortex. When she asked me what can she do about this I said , perhaps you could hold your thoughts for a few moments to evaluate what you are about to say, instead of just coming out with the abuse (I called it straight out "abuse"). She thinks a big part of this is her (Eastern European) culture where it is normal for people to be open and forthright.

My problem is still that I feel I am bracing for the next blow-up. We slept separately last night and this morning she is loving and apologetic. She asks me to forgive and overlook and I have said "yes" but in truth, I am even now bracing for the next time. It does seem that contact from her son or former husband brings out a kind of rage within for life has not been kind since they migrated. Here former husband was a high status medical specialist doctor and has a PhD. But here, he cannot practice medicine. Life is so complicated. I really have never experienced what I am experiencing. I had read and heard about such situations and would think that withdrawal (emotional and physical closeness) is natural band logical. This is what I do and is why she accuses me of being passive-aggressive. I do not know how I should behave. I have tried comforting her and saying "please calm down, it'll be alright, it'll work out" but then I get it "in the chin" - "_How_ will it be alright!!!" I feel I can't win.

About the accusations I am mean.. I have a small income and since my marriage broke up I have been supplementing living expenses by drawing off my life savings. I am 60 and getting challenging, meaningful work is impossible (I am highly skilled in one discipline and "world class" at it). I guess I am reluctant to be careless with my reserves but the drain rate is significant and I will run out one day. But to put this in perspective I am depleting at several thousands per month. It does worry me. PTSD has been catastrophic. It destroyed me. Life was very good until the delayed onset "got me". It is all like a dream now just how awful it was. I was merely distressed but I experienced nothing but people distancing themselves from me - my employer, even my wife (of 17 years at that time). There is no compensation for me as it is a "psychiatric injury" and the guy who help the gun to my head simply denies he did it and says I am "clutching at straws" blaming him as it was "so long ago". Not fair eh? I have learned life is not meant to be fair, it simply is. My entire philosophy has changed since I did that Vipassana Meditation residential course. It cured me from the acute PTSD and I dare not think about the "if only ..", "what if ..", "should have ..", "could have .." This way I don't dwell on bad thoughts and keep positive.

Thanks again for your comments above. Your insights are balanced and constructive.

[Phoenix(not)]

Thanks for your helpful replies.

I did a long reply to your queries and added more but after I sent it ... nothing happened .. lost the lot! :-(

I can't do this again. If I post again I'll copy to clipboard and be able to paste it back if it gets lost in cyber-space again.