[picklepuss]

Our Oldest son married an anorexic, alcoholic young woman he thought he could help. She is a compulsive shopper, has remained anorexic, and now has multiple complications from that. He had broken up with her originally, and after much drama got back together, and she became pregnant. They married, and have since had three children, the oldest 12. She did not want to live away from her home. Her mother was an alcohlic, and is a hoarder, and compulsive shopper. Both she and her Mother have explosive episodes and almost daily mood swings with crying, screaming, abusive language, lots of blaming everyone. They are scarey. Her Father lives in a separate room in the basement. So at this point all of them are jammed into a filthy home. My son works fulltime and is also the only house cleaner, and cook. We have watched him go from an optimistic idealistic kind of young man, to a guy with his own drinking problem, and constant stressors of bills, and verbal abuse. I feel like he is being buried alive. Our grandchildren also seem to be picking up patterns of coping from the youngest creating distractions of temper tantrums, to the 8 year old over eating and continually playing video games, to the oldest acting tougher, and feeling depressed and frightened.

For quite a while, even though we took the kids two days a week, we downplayed their stories about their mom because it didn't seem right to jump in, and I think we hoped that things would get better. Also despite my son's work, and his wife's waitressing work, we've had to bail them out financially several times...mainly because she goes out and buys expensive things, which she then doesn't take care of... or she buys pets which she then leaves to the kids to maintain, and when they can't she finally gets rid of them, or they get killed. Finally when it seemed the oldest child felt she was the crazy one for "hating her mother" we did start to talk about what we were seeing. It seemed like she needed to know that the craziness was not her, or her fault. Help, Help, Help. They are so strapped for cash that she has stopped her psyche meds, her physical health from anorexia has led to spibal fractures, opiate use, and GI problems... Both my husband and I feel as if we are all sinking...Just expressing it helps a little... I hate to keep telling my friends, because I am ashamed that my son doesn't just leave, and try to set up a safe zone. Anyway.... any ideas.?

[IceCreamKid]

If the children are living in a filthy home, you can call child protective services. I'd offer my son a psychiatric evaluation and therapy if necessary, until he could start effectively taking care of himself and his children again. You and the grandchildren might also benefit from Al-Anon. The children's mother sounds like she has problems in addition to anorexia, although part of her behavior simply sounds learned from her own mother. You can model appropriate behavior for your grandchildren (you don't scream and holler, you don't spend wildly, you handle money responsibly, you don't get drunk or high, you eat a healthy, balanced diet and get enough exercise). Addiction and poor lifestyle choices in a family are a family problem; it isn't just your daughter-in-law who needs help. I hope you find your visits here supportive and informative. I will pray for your grandchildren and your son.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sorry you're having to watch all this. But may I say something and I hope it doesn't sound cruel ---- Please DO NOT enable them. If you keep bailing them out of jams, they won't EVER stop their madness!! They know that YOU will always be there --- it's time that you closed the bank. Don't help them anymore.

This might help your son too -- he's got to start making some decisions as to whether or not he wants his children growing up in a madhouse like that!!! I would venture a guess that ANY court would give him sole custody of the children --- and I think HE would be much happier too. But right now he doesn't have any REASON to change things because they can always depend on YOU for help.

This is ONLY up to them to change. Step back and let them do it. I've had to do the SAME THING with my son. At first he was upset, but now he knows why I did it. God bless and please take care of YOU. Hugs, Lee

[danii24]

is there a family support in america. im from ireland and i have a social worker that i work with because im a mother but ive depression and need extra support. i would advice you not to ring ne1 like child protection but i dnt no how things wrk in america. is there family support from the social workers that could build this family