I need your input, please!

dear lee ann, please read my signature.........xoxoxox pat

LMo, Tomi, and some others,

I think that your past experiences are coloring your feelings now. One as a parent and one as a child.

I grew up with (what I consider) pretty good parents. Lee Ann, you did not. (I am thinking) Thus my reaction to this post is completely different. Most kids assume everyone's home life is just like theirs. I was SHOCKED when I found out other people don't do things the way my family did. Sometimes, I still forget. See what I mean?

Maybe just agree to disagree and let it go? It's not worth getting this upset over. At least stop arguing over it...remember this all about being supportive (yadda, yadda, yadda). Emotional age is a lot different that actual age. It's important to note.

Perhaps this thread might help explain what I mean better.

Thanks Erin - I understand exactly what you mean. I'm not arguing. I was just trying to help. Thanks again.

I know. You're just voicing, yet another opinion. I just hate to see anyone's feelings hurt (especially yours).

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LMo said:
To answer a few other questions on here:

Sara - of course I'm being emotionally blackmailed. Thanks for checking in with me, though. The dilemma is what to do about it. With my T's help, I feel like I came a long way with regard to setting some boundaries (like not flying on holidays), but what that seems to have translated in this thread to is that I don't respect my family.

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I figured you knew that. Terrible isn't it? I know where you're coming from in the E Blackmail in the parent area. I have been 'fixing myself' for months now and as I do, my sight becomes clearer and clearer. My mother did this to me and in turn I have allowed, yes, allowed, my husband to do this as well. This is where my dx of BPD has come from. I'm sure of it. Yes, I was damaged as a child in my relationship with my mother and drunken father, and so with the anger in my childhood I became sensitive to it. So when the spouse got angry, I capitulated against my better judgement. And it caused all the other problems that come with the BPD. Early on it was just about money, but it grew out from there, and it made me feel so, so bad about myself. He found my weaknesses and used them. Am I angry at him for it? No. Because in doing what he did it said he was afraid of loosing me if he couldn't control his life and I am part of his life.

For you and your T, look for the newish book called Emotional Blackmail by Dr Forward, I have been reading this for a few days now and it has further opened my eyes. I want to PM you later about the first situation (last night) where I used the new info from this book. I stopped my weekend from becoming a wreck and also proved to myself that there was fear behind it all. I love this man, and am willing to help him realize how to express his discomfort in other ways.

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I'm upset because here is an opportunity to learn about how your kids' generation REALLY thinks, so that you can make the most of what is available in your relationship with them. You responded by implying that your kids are selfish and ungrateful, and then cried about how they don't want to be around you. You similarly alienated me. If we were to draw a pattern out of this, I'd say that you will continue to get your feelings hurt each holiday, because you're not doing a whole lot to figure out what WILL work with your kids. I know that you feel like you're making some compromises, but honestly, when I read the first few posts in this thread, I got a big sense of "it's got to be MY way or else I'm going to get upset, loudly".

Yes, it IS a two-way street, Sept. That's what I was trying to say to you earlier, and somehow it got deflected.

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I agree I had a GREAT mom and dad we had awesome Walton like Christmases and Traditional family values..I FEEL like because we did not 100% agree....our INPUT was dismissed especially youre LMO and that makes me sad you deserve better ...for anyone to say...we "don't get it" because we don't agree to me sez they do not want the input of certain age groups and posters ....This took a sad turn maybe input should be qualified now on as to not have such a thing happen...Head slapping wall banging over someomes supportive post makes me sad to see

LMo, respectfully, I have to again say "you don't get it." It's NOT at all ALL about any of what you mentioned in your diatribe.

I'm sorry I touched a raw never with you. As for what you mentioned, I have found it true that the younger generation does disregard or doesn't hold as important the values of the older generation, specifically, when it comes to their immediate family. It's not just MY kids. I couldn't give you a rats *** about what is and isn't happening in "society."

And no, there was never anyone that I didn't want to be around that I HAD to be around... except my granmother, but I was too young to have a choice then (she lived with us) and when I reached the age of majority, I didn't KNOW why I couldn't stand her. That came many, many years after her death.

As for refusing to visit my half-syblings on holidays, that doesn't count. We weren't and had NEVER been "family." We just had the same sperm donor, different incubators. No, wait! My mother WAS a Mom. Theirs committed suicide while pregnant because she was gay and was sick of having sex with a man and getting pregnant.

Just because your T is in her 60's doesn't make her any more an authority on the "older generation" than it does me. Your T must be of the same mind as the one that convinced my daughter to NOT try to confront me with her problems with me but rather convinced her to not even speak to me ever again!

What you don't get and don't understand are the values *I*, ME, Tomi, taught my kids and that the fact that the whole trouble was about ME, MY feelings, how *I* felt. What you have gotten is how the problem applies to you. I hope you have learned something about you and your family dynamics through all this. I really resent the implication that *I* may be narcissitic, controlling and critical of my kids. You don't know enough about me to make even an "implication" in that direction.

IMO, you are projecting the problems you have with your parents on me. That's not fair. Maybe you need to rethink the whole thing if you want to come away with some wisdom and knowledge.

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we "don't get it" because we don't agree to me sez they do not want the input of certain age groups and posters

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No, I'd like to correct this misconception. It was a member of "the younger generation" that was the ONLY ONE to understand me and what was going on with me. I, Tomi, AM open to the input of the younger generation!

This has turned into something UGLY and so totally off topic from the original intent. I put in a new subject line saying that I did not need any more input because my problem had been understood and I was being helped through my EMOTIONAL PAIN.

The wisdom I came out of this with is posted in General, titled "Something Else I Have Learned." I DID NOT close my mind to what the "younger generation" had to say and neither did I close myself to ALL input! I am NOT GUILTY. I suggest you read and see what LMo herself had to say about me, thank you very much!!! Just because we seem to be at odds right now and she's hurt by what she's read DOES NOT mean that I don't love and respect her!

I guess I agree with LMO about her 'tirade'. What Sept. started in the thread about her kids spoke of irritation with them coming from someone who is distressed about not being able to control them anymore. Has nothing to do with values one little bit.

Thank you for telling me what *I* think and what *I* feel. What makes you an expert on ME??

I think this has been a very informative post! There's alot of feeling and experiences here!

However, there are some very strong beliefs and feelings here that aren't agreeing for now. I think it's best to let it rest for a while.

KD