[Maru Maru]

Hi all, I am slowly reaching the end of my tether with regard to my furure mother-in-law.

My fiancé are in our thirties, he has just entered a new job after 9 months of unemployment following redundancy and I am in the process of setting up my own business. We have a lovely house together which his mother bought cash (she is a very successful businesswoman), but he pays her back a few hundred a month as a thankyou. He owned this house before we got into a relationship together, and so his mother bought most of the furniture, but he chose it. I felt uncomfortable moving into the house at first as I wanted something that we had both chosen, but after the house had been on the market for over a year without any interest we had no choice but to move into it together.

On the whole the MIL hasn't been as awful as most other peoples' I have read about, but when she has her moments she REALLY has them. She has the attitude that money will solve everything, and thus has always thrown money at both her sons (i'm engaged to the eldest) even if they didn't want it. When they have refused it, she claims they are being ungrateful and so they feel bullied into taking it. But when they do, and it was recently for a bathroom redecoration for the youngest, she becomes offended that she doesn't have a say in how it's decorated as it's her money. You get the picture.

The major issue we had recently was with my fiancé's new job. He had sent her ONE email from work giving her advice she needed on an issue, and she called him up and spoke to him like a petulant child. She told him off for doing so, and that he would get the sack for using work time for personal use. Bearing in mind, she had called me up at work to pass on a message to her son, and also called her youngest son up to ask how his debt is and that she is worried about his finances, which of course he didn't appreciate. She then cancelled her visit to see us.

It wouldn't be so bad if she left it at that, but she continued to call, email and text to say how appauled she was and wondering 'what disaster would befall us next'. She then copied me into the emails and included me in the arguement, whereby I did go ballistic and gave her a piece of my mind. To be fair, I was not rude, I just stated that whereas she claimed to only be helping and being supportive by having a go at my fiancé, I said that she wasn't and that her son did not appreciate the manner in which she went about things. If she was concernced, why can''t she ask instead of launching into an attack? She does this with both her boys. It's such a stupid thing to argue over, but it has left us both feeling pretty miserable and not wanting to talk to her.

She constantly tries to manage his life and career (his career choice overlaps with her and so she feels she's the supreme knowledge on it), and my fiancé just wishes she would talk to him and treat him like her son and not like one of her employees. She tells him whatever he does is wrong and has zero faith in any decision he makes. He has been left with no confidence, even though I tell him every day he is fantastic at what he does, and his bosses agree.

How can I restore confidence in my fiancé and make him see that what his mother says bears no relation to the facts? He keeps wanting to change how she talks to him (in that managerial manner) but I know she won't change, that's just how she is. And when she does use that manner on him, he gets angry and things get blown out of proportion.

She hasn't actually read any of the email I sent her telling her what I thought of her treatment regarding her son and this situation, not sure if that is a good or bad thing right now! I just stressed again how he wants to be treated, like a thirty year old adult. I have a feeling she will ignore it again though.

Any advice is hugely appreciated!

[Leed]

The way I see it is that it is TOTALLY up to your fiance' to straighten his mother out! He should have a heart-to-heart talk with her, and tell her that his life is his OWN -- and if he needs any input from her, he'll ask for it. But he's GOT to step up to her. Otherwise, this will continue forever.

I had basically the same situation with my ex -- he wouldn't stand up to his mother. I finally had to BLOW -- and after that, she started to behave herself. But I shouldn't have had to do that -- it was up to him.

If your fiance' isn't willing to talk to his mother, then I'd be ready for a lifetime of interference from "Mom." Either that, or rethink your plans to marry. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Flooded]

Get it sorted out before you have kids!

[Maru Maru]

Originally Posted by Leed

The way I see it is that it is TOTALLY up to your fiance' to straighten his mother out! He should have a heart-to-heart talk with her, and tell her that his life is his OWN -- and if he needs any input from her, he'll ask for it. But he's GOT to step up to her. Otherwise, this will continue forever.

I had basically the same situation with my ex -- he wouldn't stand up to his mother. I finally had to BLOW -- and after that, she started to behave herself. But I shouldn't have had to do that -- it was up to him.

If your fiance' isn't willing to talk to his mother, then I'd be ready for a lifetime of interference from "Mom." Either that, or rethink your plans to marry. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks for replying Lee, it means alot!

The problem is he does try and stand up to her but she doesn't seem to listen. She turns on the water works and says that she's just trying to help, but her input is very rarely helpful or constructive. Because she doesn't listen to him, they go round and round in circles and he gets cross. He reacts and adds fuel to her fire and they clash terribly.

We were informed yesterday that because of this whole silly situation they are cancelling their holiday away (not a trip to see us) as they are too upset. Things like that just make my fiancé feel guilty, even though he hasn't done anything wrong.

She has also, according to her younger son whom she has been ranting at about this arguement, totally forgotten why she was angry in the first place, but instead remembers that my fiancé is just angry with her. I know anger makes you forget but c'mon! She did the same when she didn't approve of two trees we planted in our garden, and now denies she was ever angry over that even though my fiancé didn't speak to her for a week over it.

He was still very upset last night, thinking he's going to lose his mum and dad. I said you just have to try and have a calm conversation with them over this as it'll never get better.

[Maru Maru]

Originally Posted by Flooded

Get it sorted out before you have kids!

I totally agree, and I hate to say it but it has put me off from having kids. I feel somewhat like a baby machine when I am around my MIL as even though we are not married and I haven't got my business up and running yet, she doesn't seem to think that is important, I should be popping them out now to make her happy. She does keep asking when are we going to have kids, but I'm old fashioned and would like to be married first. Her attitude makes me feel a little trapped and unwilling to fulfill her desires for grandchildren.