Dilemma

Hi All,

I am very new to this forum (or any such forums on web). So will write all I have in my mind, firstly to release myself from a big burden and secondly to inform other of my situation.

I am a well sorted person with a happy family of my own. However, the balance of my mental status has been torn apart due to some information that was revealed to me by one of the family members.

I have been married to my husband for 8 years and we are living quite happily. While I knew all my husband's side of the family, I did not know all of them that well as we live across two countries. Recently, My husband's sister's family came to visit us and while talking I realized that my brother-in-law (my husband's sister's husband) and I have quite close interests. So we got into talking general things such as movies, book, etc.. After they left, the conversation continued online via email and chat. Then we talked about our past relationships, etc. In the process of doing that not only revealed to me his past relationships, but also continued to talk about his current one(s).

He is a well respected, educated and money blessed person, in his early fifties. He revealed to me that he is carrying on with a already married girl who is 22 years junior to him. According to him, they are madly in love with each other. That girl is (apparently) not after his money. He says that he is OK to face any consequences. He says that he is confused, so not in a state that he can make a decision.

This person has two beautiful children (girl 23 and boy 17). As their aunt I love them so much. Also his wife is a very very nice lady and I dearly love her like a sister. I really don't want this family to be torn part. But I am helpless. I cannot reveal this information to anyone around me. Also I can't make sense to this person, to make him understand that what he is going through is something that others refer to as 'mid-life crisis'. He thinks that he has now met his soul-mate and he will live happily forever if he get together with this girl. So keeps dreaming about her and mentally agonizing himself. In my view, he is not man enough either to end the marraige and get together with this girl or to leave her and carry on with his life.

According to him, by revealing all of this information to me, he has done some emotional cleansing. He keeps me updated of what happens in their relationship (extra marital). I feel by listening to him, at least that I know what he is up to. But I feel so guilty that I am keeping such a big secret from the rest of the family and most importantly from my husband. But I am unable to tell my husband or anyone as things might get sour and I will be named as the whistle-blower, who upsets the harmony.

Appreciate if someone can share similar experience with me and let me know how I can help all the people involved in this situation.

Thanks in advance,
MasterPlan

hi MasterPlan

i don't believe it is your job to fix this problem. he is a grown man and he must sort out his extra-marital affair.

in my opinion, this is NEVER okay. cheating on his wife is just NOT okay. it doesn't matter how you want to look at it.

i will suggest that you ask yourself this question: if your husband was having an affair, and this man's wife knew about it, would you want them to tell you?

but i am not suggesting that you should be the one to tell his wife what is going on. it's not your job. not your responsibility.

what i am suggesting, is that you should definitely let this man know, in no uncertain terms that you completely disagree with what he is doing and ask him to stop telling you about it. he should stop involving you in his affair

i understand that you are worried about what the family will think of you if you tell his secret. what will they think of you if you keeping his secret, when his secret eventually comes out?

you are carrying a very heavy burden by keeping this man's secrets. i understand he probably feels he has found a way to unburden himself of this secret by sharing it with you. but now you carry his burden for him. i think this is very unfair on you.

love & light

Brendan

It seems to me you have no way of knowing whether he is telling the truth or whether he is fantasizing. Either way, I suggest you terminate the correspondence.

Thanks IceCreamKid..
I think he is telling the truth about the affair (at least). Certain incidents suggest me to believe so. I guess at this point, I have to prioritize what is best for my family. I am going to slowly terminate the correspondences, giving business of my day-to-day life as excuses.
Thanks for the reply and advise.

It is difficult to answer the question, whether I would like for someone to tell me about my husband if he is carrying on an affair. I strongly believe sometimes people make mistakes and they should be given enough time and space to correct them. So while it is being corrected, I'd rather not know about it.

I sincerely hope that this is the case with this person as well. That he will come to his senses and correct this himself. If not, he will learn a big lesson, hurting so many.

I think at this point is for me to slowly stop my communications with him. This is simply to safeguard myself. I don't really want to be involved in his problems.

Thanks for the reply.

X

Keep your mouth shut & stop talking to him immediately. It's not your problem to fix his situation or his wife's situation whether she knows what's going on or not.

In my opinion, what this man did by telling you what he's doing behind his wife's back was wrong on many levels.

Cut your ties with him.