[salukigirl]

My dad's bday was yesterday. I didn't call him on father's day so I called him to say happy bday. For the first time in a long time we talked for over 20 mins which was weird but nice. He even mentioned that him and his wife (unfortunately) are planning to come and visit around Labor Day. I said that would be great. Rather her not be here but oh well. They were going to drive here, stay for a couple days and then drive to her sister's house which is only a couple hours away.

So he calls me today and says that his wife suggested that my bf and I drive to her sister's house and stay with them for 3 days so that they can see everyone for a longer period of time.

Can I not just see my friggen dad?! I don't like her. I don't like her family. They don't like me. I won't even get to see him bc she won't let him out of her sight! I honestly couldn't tell you the last time I was alone with my dad any time anywhere. Just doesn't happen. Probably been at least 5-6 years. We talk on the phone maybe once every month or 2 but she is always in the background.

I know some of you know my situation with my dad and how our relationship isn't what you would call great.....what should I do? Should I suck it up for a weekend to see my dad for maybe an hour or so? Should I stand up and say "no. not with her there".? I don't know what to do. I don't want to go but I don't want the tiny part of a relationship with my father to be ruined. But I have been putting up with her ruining things for over half a decade! Ugh!!!

[Open Eyes]

Well your dad has his life and you have yours. You have to do what makes you feel better. At least someone is there to take care of your dad, it could be worse.

So the decision is yours, what do YOU want, other than to have time with your dad without the wife. Perhaps staying with you would give you more time with him as if you stay with the sisters there will be more people and no time for you to really be with him.

The ball is in your court, YOU have to do the best thing for YOU.

Open Eyes

[shezbut]

salukigirl,

I think that it is great that you finally had a nice talk with your father ~ you both deserved that!

I do agree with Open Eyes. The decision is absolutely yours to make. My opinion is just that ~ my opinion. I would stick with the original plan. The step-mom's new plan doesn't sound real tempting to me. I would rather have those few special hours with my Dad, without adding the stress of more time in exchange for a weekend of stress.

That is my simple opinion. Best wishes to you on whatever decision you do make for yourself. My thoughts are with you!

[salukigirl]

Thanks. I think he will be extremely mad if I don't go. But I feel like, if he really wants to see his daughter, he can do what needs to be done to see me. Now it is starting to feel like she wanted to go see her sister and they would have felt guilty coming to the same state and not somehow seeing me.

This is how I think it will go. I'm getting pretty good at being able to predict his responses. I will tell him that I don't feel comfortable being in their house and that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to go there. He will act okay but get upset and tell me it's fine. Then he will call me either later that day or the next day and say "he" has decided to only go see her sister and won't be coming to see me. Most likely we won't speak until my birthday. After that we won't speak until Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas.

I feel like the more I think about this and the more I go along with their stupid games/antics...the more stressed I'm making myself. I know I need to just stand up for myself and say....I was a good daughter, you were not a dad. Period. Be there for me or don't be there at all. But I just can't bring myself to do it. So instead I'll probably go cry for the night and then agree to it and be depressed the whole time. (See I'm getting pretty good at predicting how I will respond, too)

[Open Eyes]

Well if you can predict your response you can change it. And if you can predict what their so called game is than don't play. You have to decide how important is it to you to see your father whom you say was never really a father? And as far as that goes please don't think you were the unworthy one, most men don't really know how to be fathers. We often just assume someone is going to play the role that we feel is a good parent and most of time we are disappointed. He is just a person and he obviously never learned how to have a relationship with child, no matter what age.
In fact he may only just now be learning about relationships from his wife. And as you describe, it sounds like she rules over his social agenda.

And it is quite possible that your right, perhaps the real journey is about visiting the sister. But you dont know where the real game comes from and what is really behind it. Your father could have asked to stop and see you and the wife was the one that
directed the situation to appease him and you but her real goal is her own agenda.

Now you already know that the wife is going to win, after all she is the one he lives with and has to live with on a daily basis. And as it seems he really doesnt know how to really have a relationship, uh oh, he is most likely going to fail in his efforts.
And to be honest, on some level he knows that.

So you can either rent free space in your head to predicting disappointment and saddness or you can just look at what is really there. At least you have the option and they did include you in their journey. They could have made the journey and completely ignored you too.

You have to get comfortable making your own decisions. And it is hard sometimes, I know, I have had to do the same. You are being put on the spot and you are thinking about duty and not really thinking about yourself. If you know that you say that you prefer them stop and visit you, you have to be prepared for her to find a reason they can't do that. And if you really want to see your father, maybe you could arrange to meet for lunch or dinner at a place that is along their way to the sisters. That way you get to see him and no one is really put out.

Try not to project your emotions into remorse for a man who never was able to fit the role you desired as your father. The sooner you accept that he is just going to be the way he is and it is obvious he lacks the understanding of what a father daughter relationship is, the better off you will be. You cannot go through your life blaming yourself for someones elses failures. It is time for you to concentrate on YOU and what you can do in your life that makes YOU happy. And you have to realize that you DO have a choice.

How about applying the three words that are in the thread that the Byz put up.
"Up until now" I used to let my father's lack of ability to be a good father upset me.
"But now I am" going to change the way I react to that inablity and have MY OWN LIFE anyway. He is what he is, it is not my fault in any way and I can't change another person, all I can do is change how I allow it to effect me.

Open Eyes

[salukigirl]

I thought about it all weekend and I think I'm going to call him tomorrow and tell him I'm not comfortable going there. I'll have to force it out but I need to tell him that I don't want to be in a situation where he will be distracted all weekend. She doesn't want to see me so why can't she stay there and he come here? There are so many other options that result in me seeing him.

Thanks for the confidence booster. I needed it. I'm gonna have to put on my big girl pants and call him tomorrow.

[protector1973]

need to addresse your ability to deal effectively with this situation, read abook on karma, its as much about her as yourself.

[Subo]

May be the final plan came from dad's wife. I think your dad is keen on having a happy new family there. He must have thought of having you also in there. Unfortunately he is not willing to have a farther and daughter get-together which might harm his new relationships in that family. Anyway everybody in this world will have a day to live with-out their parents. Bad that it came to you little earlier. Grow-up. Think as an adult.

[salukigirl]

I did it and I was surprised. I told him I thought about it and I'm not going. Didn't give him a reason why, just said I wasn't doing it. He said "that's fine. you don't have to go if you don't want to. I'll just come stay with you. They'll just drop me off at your house".

Talk about a total shocker! Now we just have to hope that he keeps his word. He said he would call me in a day or two. I am not getting my hopes up too much between now and then. In fact, I won't believe it until I see him at my door step. But I'm still hoping! Thanks for everyone's support! I'm glad I was able to stand up to him and his wife.