[Gdawg123]

Please can someone help me with this. I cannot get the fact that my Girlfriend of 6 yrs slept with another guy. I dream about it every night and its hard to get out of my mind. I lost my virginity to her and was not planning on being with anyone else. She slept with another guy and it was not because our sex life was bad. while we had a 1 month split up and then she comes back to me and lied at first but I found out and then she told me everything as far as I know. I want to forget and forgive but forgiving is hard and forgetting is impossible. Anyone know how to cope with this I know what the guy looks like I cannot get him out of my head or the fact of what happened, I use to trust her without a doubt and now its so hard to think she is telling the truth. I know she would never do it again but and everything would be great if I can get over it but I cant. I feel betrayed and Used.

[wing]

Gdawg, you were betrayed, but a relationship can change and still be a good one. Can you get some couples counseling? Sounds like you had a healthy relationship to start, and if you both want to get past this, you might do better with some outside help.

[Silent_tsol]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But you are right, "forgiving is hard and forgetting is impossible". In my situation, forgiving is a long process. You have to start with acceptance and even that is hard. A year later I still doubt I'll ever forget. There are situations that can come up, like him signing of msn abruptly and I fall apart.

It's hard to figure out where to start when your world has been tossed upside down. So take it one day at a time, heck if that's too much sometimes, aim for an hour at a time. There were times when my emotions would do a 180 within that hour.

The dreams are awful and got to the point where I just couldn't sleep. Talk to a doctor if that becomes a problem. Similarly, keep an eye on your eating, in traumatic situations it's not uncommon to over/under eat.

"I lost my virginity to her and was not planning on being with anyone else."

This was one of my biggest hurdles and led to a long period of resentment. I didn't enter the relationship thinking that he would be my first/only partner but it started to end up that way for both of us. I loved that fact, in my mind it made us special to have that. It wasn't a requirement, but the night he slept with someone else, he took away that specialness. I don't know if you have the same thoughts, but if you do, or whatever you're feeling, it's normal for an abnormal situation.

I'm glad that she's not trying to say this was a result of something missing in your relationship because it never is. It's a result of poor boundaries and coping skills. There was something she thought she could find and you may find a sense of security if she's willing to go to a therapist to find out how she justified her actions.

Trust is another thing that comes with time. You can't just trust her because it's Saturday. That would be crazy. She has to prove herself and earn your trust. She does that by being open and honest with you. About EVERYTHING. If you ask a question regarding what happened, she needs to answer it. If you ask her to let you know where she's going because it will help you feel like you have some footing, you deserve it. Baby steps will eventually start to make trust seem like a possibility.

Mind movies (or seeing him/them) are agonizing. My counselor suggested I set aside a certain time of each day to just wallow. The rest of the day I had to try and gather myself together and wait until my next wallow session. Not to say that you should bury your feelings, that was just a suggestion for staying functional. But there was a point where that just sounded like crazy-talk. So I did it backwards. I gave myself an hour where I wasn't allowed to think about it. And even that was hard, sometimes I had to do things that require great concentration just to get the focus shifted. Another thing I've had suggested is to visualize a stop sign in your mind to block it out. OR if you can "control him" and send him into the corner then bring yourself into the picture.

"I know she would never do it again"

I used to like to say this a lot. In reality I was saying it in hopes of convincing myself to trust it. At this point I've come up with some new points
1) He is slowly being able to show me that he would not choose to act the same way
2) There's no such guarantee that he will never do it again. As much as I would LOVE to have that confidence, honestly I don't. I BELIEVE he won't, but I believed the same thing before. It sounds kind of cynical but I've accepted that I can't make the choice for him
3) Whatever he chooses in the future, will be met by my choice. IF he does choose to cheat, *I* choose what happens next. If he's learned his lesson, then we will do our best and see where life takes us.

My last concern is that you said it would be great if you could get over it. Now I absolutely understand you not wanting to have to feel this crap. Is your gf in any way implying that you should get over it? Because SHE needs to understand that this will take work. It's like rebuilding a ship. It's slow, and sometimes it rain and you feel like you are back to square one. Sometimes you wonder if the boat will ever float. She needs to be understanding and supportive of you. I agree with the idea of couple's counselling. One of the keys to getting through this is strong communication skills.

Sorry you are in this mess, it does get better though

[Jenn1fer82]

So have you decided what you want out of the relationship, are you staying or leaving? It will take a very long time. You and her will have to accept that your trust will never be the same but things can get better through time. It is still very fresh so you and her shouldn't rush through this difficult time. She should allow you to have doubts and allow you to continue to ask her questions when you feel uncomfortable. Communications will be huge and important. Have you thought about take a break at this time to deal with all the emotions on your own first and when you feel strong and ready maybe then you guys can come back together and talk things through? The trust will never be the same but because you guys love one another it can still be possible to stay with one another and to continuously work on the relationship. First decided if you and her still want to continue with the relationship, deal with your own emotions individually and when things are stable then you and her can then talk it through and come to an understanding of what has happened. The betrayal can rip out your heart and its imaginable that things can move forward but it is possible but it will take a very long time. Be true to yourself and decided what you want out of your future.

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm really sorry this happened. I can understand why you feel as you do.

You've had a very LONG relationship with this girl -- it would be a shame to throw it away. But -- she is going to have to EARN your trust again. She betrayed you -- it's up to her to build up that trust that you used to have. You need to communicate -- it would be great if you could get into counseling -- both of you. Perhaps you could go by yourself too.

I hope you can get past this -- it will take time, and alot of it is up to her. Try not to dwell on it tho -- I know it's hard. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Gdawg123]

Thank you everyone for replying. Yes, I have been going to counseling she has went once with me but she does not have insurance so it cost alot. When I ask her questions it makes me get angry when she gives me the answers its like I alrdy have my mind set on what happen and I feel she is just trying to make me feel better. Or it turns into a fight because she tends to get tired of hearing it. The counseling takes a month in between the sessions and I do good for like 2 days after then I start hurting again. Everyone just keeps telling me I cannot think about it like I have to get over it right now if I want the relationship to work. I can do good till I wake up in the morning after the dreams then I feel like she needs to be there for me and she will just be sleeping or get up and walk out and I get so angry at this, I feel like Im the one with the problem. Thank you all for your help.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Gdawg123

I know she would never do it again but and everything would be great if I can get over it but I cant. I feel betrayed and Used.

You don't know that. You are dealing with another person who DID betray you and use you! Whether she cheats or not is wholly her decision and life.

No, you can't "get over" her betrayal and make it like it never happened. You can only work with yourself and your thoughts, feelings, attitude, toward yourself and these two others so you are less focused on them (she cheated) and work with her to see if she is working to rebuild your trust (or just acting like the problem is "over" and there's nothing she needs/wants to do to change herself and how she relates to you so you view her as a trustworthy person again) or, you have to decide whether the work with her is too great and you'd rather move on to loving someone else who more willing to do the hard work of becoming/acting like a trustworthy person.

[Silent_tsol]

Depending on where you are there might be options to help with the cost of counselling.
-Universities sometimes have students that need volunteer hours to get their license
-Community centres sometimes offer lower rates and they are subsidized by the government
-Some counselors offer sliding rate scales for those who don't have insurance

How long ago did you find out about her cheating on you? I found out at the end of last August and I pretty much have no memory of that time until about the end of October. Beginning of November was my lowest point, all of the shock and denial (that I really didn't even think was there) disappeared and I fell even further apart.

Yes, I had an imaginary answer to everything I wondered about and for some questions I decided I didn't need the answer. Do you find that her real life answer is less worse (I don't want to get too graphic here, but say you imagine them having some great romantic session but when you ask she tells you it was a short, sleezy motel encounter). I know there really isn't much that's better about this situation, but I always imagined worst case scenario. Of course you get angry regardless of what answer you get because you have to process that information.

Something that might help you would be if you could ask her to write out a timeline for you. A letter that includes any of the information you want to know, if there's something you don't want to know (like my bf was not allowed to tell me anything of a comparative nature "she was ___ than you, it was ____ with her" good or bad, I didn't want to hear it) make sure she's clear on that. This way though, you get a lot of information (things may still come up after) in one go. But she needs to not get tired of hearing it. She needs to realize that she caused you great pain and want to do whatever it takes to help you feel better.

Originally Posted by Gdawg123

Everyone just keeps telling me I cannot think about it like I have to get over it right now if I want the relationship to work.

This is common and there's a point where you just have to realize that you can only understand so much having not been in your situation. Not thinking about it when it still causes you distressing pain is only sweeping it under the rug (ie. not good). A quote I like is "you need to feel it to heal it", let yourself feel how you do

Originally Posted by Gdawg123

I can do good till I wake up in the morning after the dreams then I feel like she needs to be there for me and she will just be sleeping or get up and walk out and I get so angry at this, I feel like Im the one with the problem.

Have you told her about the dreams? She needs to know. She needs to be there to give you a hug or reassure you that she is there for the long road. If you've communicated how you are feeling, follow up with what you need, "when you ____, I feel _____, I need _____". "When you go out for a walk in the morning, I feel rejected and angry because of my nightmares regarding your affair, I need you to sit with me and comfort me until I feel calmer". Then you need to set your boundaries, what is and isn't ok in your relationship. Stand by them.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm a little confused on one point... Did she cheat on you while you were broken up or did you guys break up for a month because she cheated?

I feel that those are two completely different situations and my response would be completely different. I'm not saying you're feelings are invalid in anyway, I just can't give any advice until I understand what happened more fully.

Good luck

[Gdawg123]

Well called it a break up but we talked everyday. She kept me on call basically if she needed me I was there and she told me she loved me and made me feel like she was wanting to be together. But the whole time she was seeing this other guy using some money I sent her to take him on a date.

[kundi]

Until you resist and until you won't be able to accept the situation, you're going to hurt yourself more. If you cannot accept it, then its better to leave him.

[shotinthedark]

Dont forget to mention that the money you sent her was the money you owed her for putting a few grand into remodeling your house.

[RomanSunburn]

I guess my opinion on the matter is that you both made mistakes. If you called it a break up, you both should have been more clear about where you stood with each other. But that is in the past, and can't be undone.

How did the break up happen? Did you break up with her, her with you, or mutual? What caused it?

I can understand why you feel betrayed. Perhaps, in your mind, the break up didn't feel real because of the continuation of communication. But you have to understand that somewhere in her mind, it was real and what she did was not cheating. I'm not going to say what she did was a great idea, but at the same time you can't call this something it's not.

This is going to take a lot of work from both of you. You both have to want to move past this. As long as you hold on to it, keep dredging it up, you're going to feel the pain. Perhaps you can see your therapist more frequently? Or even check out some books from the library that offer advice on dealing with infidelity. I would also suggest journaling and learning to look at you emotions from a distance. Learn to feel them, understand them, accept them, and let them go. In DBT, this is called Teflon Mind. It's going to take a LOT of work, a lot of self talk, reminding yourself that this was not a reflection on you as a person. The others have offered you some great advice.

And I know someone mentioned that your girlfriend can't get tired of hearing you bring everything up again -- but there may come a time when you start hurting her with this, simply to hurt her because you want her to feel as much pain as you do. Don't let yourself get to this point. If you start feeling this way, it is truly time to let go and start healing.

[RomanSunburn]

I seem to be a very curious person lately, because once again I'm curious!

Have you read shotinthedark's thread? What did you think about the problem/question and the advice given?

[mgran]

I've read both threads, and I think that this relationship is sadly doomed. She says that you were physically abusive. If this is the case then you need help. If it isn't the case then you can't stay with someone who'd lie about you that way. In either case you can't remain together. She clearly doesn't feel safe around you, and you clearly don't trust her. You misrepresent her by claiming you gave her money, as though a purely motivated benefactor, when in fact it was money you owed her, with which she could do as she pleased.

If you can't trust her and she can't feel safe around youl, then what on earth do you think is left worth saving? Time, I believe, for you both to let it go.

[protector1973]

move on , you have been betrayed. i think she will cheat again, decision can only be made by you.

[Flooded]

There's always two sides to every story....

and two threads are telling that story

[Gdawg123]

Originally Posted by mgran

You misrepresent her by claiming you gave her money, as though a purely motivated benefactor, when in fact it was money you owed her, with which she could do as she pleased.
.

Not exactly. I had given her a car for that. The money was a different story at that point. but yes I could not add some of the stuff I did because it would not allow me to post certain things

[smilamontana]

She didn't cheat on you. You yourself say that you "called it a break up". I suspect that she didnt want to be with you anymore so she rebounded. Her still staying in contact with you was probably because she was confused and didnt know how to not be in an abusive relationship where someone is hitting her. To me it seems like you have ruined her self esteem because I dont know who would stay with someone who embaressed them in front of friends and family, called her a ***** and a slut or made her feel bad for being with someone else when you WERE BROKEN UP and you PHYSICALLY ABUSED HER. She tried to give you a chance to see if you guys could work things out- well to see if you would get couciling for your anger problems and instead of being humble and happy that she was willing to see you through your problems you berate her talk crap about her online, to her family and friends call her names and whine about it while leaving out a whole lot of info? I hope she runs far away from you.