[rubyindie]

this is continuation to some of my other posts. a brief history- was stuck in a 6yr suffocative marriage with a narcissist personified. the tough part was over -getting out of the imprisonment he put me under mentally, physically and spiritually. now after 4 months he still hasnt agreed to come and sign the papers. according to the law here, mutual agreement to divorce is the least messy way out for both parties and requires both parties to be present for one day in court and submit the petiton together then wait for the second session in court after a six month waiting period to finally obtain the divorce notice.
now my problem is that he is in contact with me by mail, i cut out the phone calls since he did not keep the last deadline i gave him last month. i have been strict with him asking him to write only about the petition statements and his arrival date but he just continues to weigh heavily on me about his crumbling life without me, how he has changed in looks, ways and nature(???) and wanting me to give him 6months to turn into a new leaf and continuing life with him. that is definitely not an option for me,i am thru with him for good.
i am scared he wll continue to talk about his diffculties and mess up my brain and completely ignore my need to be free of him. i am scared he is getting obsessed with the idea of able to convince me to live wth him and has no intention of giving me a divorce.
do i challenge him to a new deadline to appear in court or should i ignore him to wait and let him submit into coming himself. my mother asks me to warn him about cutting off with him completely and appointing my mother to talk and deal with him so he understands i am out of his picture and there is no other way than to concede to the proceedings. i hate it that he takes me for granted. he in his latest says his mother is sick and has to be cared for so i guess he will be 'busy' for a week. not like he is a very indulgent son nor are his parents anything but dysfuntional(read schizophrenic/depressive). and i doubt it is true he has lied to me many times before. he keeps looking for excuses like his illhealth or his parents illhealth to put off things. may be i should just talk to his sister or one of his parents into forcing him to come.
i might be writing in very entertaining language but i am scared to the hilt of what is to become of me if he continues to fill my mailbox with crap. and deny me my release. somebody advise.. my neck is all stiff with worry...

[jenkins09]

Hi Ruby,

Guess what girl? you already have your release. You are free from this abusive SOB and you will want to keep it that way. Its my guess that you are still codependant with your husband as it comes out in your post.

With people like this, the more you entertain their games the more you encourage them. Unless he has been in aggressive therapy I doubt he has changed and this is just a lie to snare you back into his web.

I would let your mother handle all discussions with him. If he tries to guilt trip you with his OWN persona problems, just put them back in his lap and say "I'm sorry, but that is not my issue."

Seriously, this guy wont go away unless and until he knows that you are out of this game totally. You deserve it and I would advise you to seek some counsel as to why you choose men like this. If you dont you more than likely will find yourself with a new man but behavior similar to your soon to be ex-husband.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[shezbut]

I agree with jenkins09, ruby.

It doesn't sound like your ex has changed, nor will he.

You should let your mom be the mediator for you. When your ex comes to you with his sob stories, tell him that you are not interested and that you need your space from him. Tell him to contact your mom about the proceedings. Period.

Do reach out for Therapeutic assistance in working through your fears, co-dependency, and becoming an emotionally stronger person. It's very common for people to fall into cycles, even though they hate that kind of man. They frequently find themselves in another abusive relationship. You certainly don't want that to happen!

Gentle hugs and very best wishes sent your way....

[Leed]

Boy, he sure likes to throw in the guilt trip, doesn't he!!!

You know, why not just throw OUT the letters/messages he sends you? You don't have to read them. I sure wouldn't, knowing how he wants to control & influence you. Just toss them in the garbage -- that's all they are anyway--garbage!!!

Ignore him. He'll eventually get the message. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[rubyindie]

THANKS!!!@Jenkins09@shezbut@leed thats exactly how i feel to want to completely cut him off. i was easy for the few weeks that he stopped contact. and i have written (very few) mails to him firmly asking him to mention an early date in language that actually made me feel good :-)and powerful about myself. thats the easy part ignoring him and asking him to cut the cr## . but i had spoken to my lawyer who is a friend since my childhood ,who said that i need to keep him attentive and favourable just till he agrees to come and sign the papers then i would be free to ignore him/calls and mails. the lawyer says that since he has a history of disappering out of the scene( he goes on sudden getaways for any duration without informing anyone, when stressed) he might disappear if he is not pacified. i resisted the idea a lot but he seems fixed trying to make me pretend to maintain a mature stand with him.
this weekend however i intend to give him the final deadline after which my mother can take over ...
and leed- i throw out the 'garbage' as soon as i get them!
he can only dream of snaring me back because the truth is i had quit being a part of him for a few months before i left and he knoew something was up but could not figure it out and watched me come back to life with a purpose and confidence, he only could prod me but never saw me buckle. but like a good friend said- somethings are just meant to be so u have to learn to let go and thats just what i did. when i was ready and collected i freed myself completely.i will have no more of that disrespectful life never.
its not like we were in any relationship before we got married, it was an arranged marriage as is common in india. we hardly had a 2 month period before the wedding. and since he was in another city, he did some pretty good acting by not revealing his N side. he was the sweetest and most congenial of most men i had seen. i understood his tendencies on the night of the wedding itself, i was scared and numbed out but i was young and optimistic and also succumbed to family and social pressures to keep it together and hid the entire drama unfolding in my life from my family and friends even shunning them to avoid dragging them into the 'mess' and hurting them. i know that was my mistake thinking i could handle it all by myself but my faith in god and my beliefs kept me strong and able to keep my stand inspite of much repercussions.
i will keep in mind about the codependency concept. surely i want no person with any PD in my life ever...for sure!!
thanks for your support..love u all ....prayers and thoughts with you in your moments of difficulty! will keep all of you posted how things go.