Faithful 'ol dog

(Breathe in...out....breathe) I have no one to turn to, no one to keep me from crawling into "darkness"/depression. My man walked out on me and was angry at me for getting into his email and finding a basically porn chat site where he has been active for over 6 months and finding a picture storage site with nasty pictures of his so called exgirlfriend (oh that he says he didn't create). Yeah, he walks out on me. How dare I not trust him, why do I have to snoop he doesn't do it to me, ya ya ya etc.
We have been doing this sick tango of me in denial, him lying, getting caught, getting mad at me, walking out and leaving me till he feels like coming back (he has always come back but it gets worse and worse). He tells me that I am the one causing the problems because I don't trust him. I so want to trust him even to the point where it has and is currently messing with my already unstable mental health. I passed sad and upset a long time ago, drove through anger and now I just... I am just pathetic. It's so easy to say that I should move on. He's hurting me and blaming me and that I deserve better......Sure, that's what I would tell my daughters...but it's me...the one no one wants but keeps around to have someone or something to displace their junk onto. I am like a dog, faithful and true. Yet I can't get the same unconditional love from them. I'm am and have been an emtional mess. I have my own issues, he adds to them and then it makes me worse then he gets worse and then he comes home and its okay for awhile then we get start back up again. I know it's complete insanity. I know. But......I can hardly get through the day just fighting off the "darkness" let along allow myself to feel whatever it is other than numb. And so here I sit, good 'ol faithful dog, with my tail between my legs, waiting for him to come home. Please just come home. (I have stared at this for about 20 min. not wanting to post cause its my sick secret that I hide from others especially myself).

I think you need to gather the courage to leave him for good. You have already said that you can't trust him. That is a red flag and a HUGE warning that he will continue to emotionally abuse you. I think you would be safer if you took your children and ran.

I completely understand your secret because i have the same secret. Ending it is the right thing to do, but it is very difficult. I realize that since I am still with my husband even though we have gone through a similar song and dance numerous times. Being the faithful old dog doesn't come with any rewards, just more heartache, more hurt, more problems, and more distrust. From one dog to another try to end it before it gets any worse.

LaLaLaLa......(fingers in my ears)......LaLaLa.......but the last two days have been so good. I need to figure out what I am going to do. The battle between my heart and logic (knowing,come on, I know something is going on but to what extent?????) is too much to handle. When its good its beautiful but when I find something (yeah I go looking for stuff and darn it I always finds something) and ask him to explain it, things get really ugly. My orginal post was during the "ugly". It truely drives me batty. I am willing to forgive and move ahead but according to him there is nothing to forgive. There's a good question....is it wrong for me to "research" his stories. I always hope that I won't find anything but I usually do. I have never seen him with another woman but the cell bills, numbers on scratch pieces of paper,and the lies I have already caught him in... see I know I just don't want it to be true. Why won't he admit it so we can move on? Instead, it's my fault for not trusting and looking for "stuff". I don't know... During the course of our relationship my cycling has been unmedicated and off the charts. He has been patient, not always kind, and has tolerated a lot. The stress from the relationship has had a major impact on my mental instability. But when he holds me and it's just him and I alone, it's the only times in my life that I have felt comfort and peace. Argh!!!! So is it wrong to look for stuff? Am I setting myself up? Is the need to "investigate" the unpleasant side of being Bipolar.......

If you are able, please get some counseling to help you understand why you allow yourself to be enslaved to this sick situation.