How weird is this relationship?

We are cousins, about five years apart. It might be worth noting that she's an only child, so she cares a lot about my brother and I and views us sort of like her brothers. I’m twenty and she’s fifteen.

I guess I'll just dive straight into the relevant details. When I was thirteen and she was eight, I was over at her house after school. I think her mom picked me up. I was pretty tired and she was doing homework, so I decided to try to take a nap. I went over to lie down on a couch in the living room, my cousin sitting not too far away at the dining room table. I closed my eyes and began to try to fall asleep. About five minutes later (and I'm still awake at this point), my cousin lays on top of me and kisses me for about ten seconds. I didn't kiss back or show any signs of being awake.

Now, admittedly, despite the pretty awkward age difference, I didn't exactly not like it. And so over the next year or two on about five or six more occasions I would pretend to be asleep (this time with the intention of her kissing me), and she would kiss me. By this point, I'd had two girlfriends but I didn't actually go on dates with them (they both asked me out; I agreed, but avoided both of them and made up excuses to not go out on dates with them due to my pretty extreme social phobia at the time). So I'd never kissed a girl, and I think I did this because I was just curious about kissing. I assume she also did it for the same reason.

I guess it's worth noting (despite being fairly obvious) that both of us were (or at least are now) fully aware that the other person was aware. Even if she couldn't figure out at the ages of eight and nine that I was just pretending to be asleep (which is pretty doubtful, especially given her intelligence), she's had to look back on it and figure out that I was pretending to be asleep so that she would kiss me. So we both know this, but we've never talked about it.

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Looking back at family photos during Christmas or Thanksgiving, she was always standing right by me. My brother did hang out with us, but he'd often talk with the adults, leaving my cousin and I to hang out with each other. She loved (and still loves) playing games with me. My dad's girlfriend about two years made a comment along the lines of, "[My cousin] is a really interesting and smart girl when you can actually talk to her. She's just so obsessed with [me]."

She's always hugged me a lot and she (although I'm not sure how recently this started, but it's been like this for at least three years) likes to hold my hand and sit really close and cuddle. I lived with her and her family for about six months last year. I slept on the couch, and at night she would come talk to me a little bit before she went to bed, and sometimes she would actually lay on me. Like, chest to chest. If we're playing a video game together, we'll lay down close to each other; if we're watching a movie together or if we're in the car together, she'll hold my hand (but she'll pull away if she hears someone coming).

Another pretty odd component to our relationship (well, I guess it's only kind of odd given the other facts about our relationship) is that we will often cause each other pain. It's essentially a game (although this has calmed down as we've gotten older). So she will tickle me a lot, I will respond by pinching her or hurting her fingers or something, and then she'll pull my hair or something. And there’s a lot of laughter during this too. Yep.

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A little bit more recently (past one or two years), she has routinely called me 'cute', even in front of her parents. She's even called me 'dreamy' before. Also, she was in German I last year and she would tell me and her parents and other relatives that she loves them using the German phrase love... except, as she later found out, she was using the phrase for romantic love. So she found out the appropriate phrase and began using it. But a month or two after she started using the appropriate phrase, she was (I think) hugging me one day (I forgot the exact context in which this occurred), and she used the phrase for romantic love, and didn't correct herself. So... and it’s pretty unlikely she did that accidentally.

About three months ago she was acting unusually flirty around me. She spoke in a very ‘cute’ kind of voice, and just seemed really flirty in general. I didn’t really flirt back at all and even seemed a bit put off by it. (I haven’t said this yet, but I wasn’t put off by it because I don’t like her in that way... I actually, admittedly, sort of do. But it’s mixed with a lot platonic love. Since living with her and her parents for six months, we’ve gotten a lot closer and we’re a lot like siblings now. The reason I acted put off by it is that, even though I kind of do like her in that way, I don’t want our relationship to become that... for a variety of obvious reasons. And she got pretty mad and seemed really hurt. She deleted all of my apps on my iPhone (which I could just resync to get them back, and I thinks he knew that), and then sat in a chair and looked mad/sad. She didn’t ask for a hug when I left, which is something she always does. So as I left I said, “Goodbye, [her name], love you too” in a concerned voice, and then she lit up excitedly and told me goodbye emphatically at the door. (I’m kind of bad at showing affection and I’ve never told her I love her until that point.)

And about three days ago she was really, really flirty acting. She made a joke (in context) about our grandmother accusing us of incest, and she made a joke about one of my friends secretly being in love with me... all while being very flirty in general.

Other things: she tells me all of her secrets, including very personal ones. She talks to me about which guys she likes at school. She wants me to get a girlfriend very badly. She laughs at even the pretty unfunny jokes I make. My grandmother sent a facebook message to my cousin implying that she felt were committing incest (this sounds worse than it is because my grandmother is kind of... losing it mentally).

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And I guess that’s all I can think of right now, but what are your thoughts on this? Is this really unhealthy sounding? How abnormal is it?

Just any general questions or thoughts would be appreciated..

Are you guys like actually related, like your dads/moms siblings child is her? If so if anything did happen it would be incest but I think its just because you guys have always been there for eachother that you feel like you guys like eachother because that's what you want in a partner and thats what you are for eachother. I dont know if I make any sense... Im only 16. No one posted asnd this is a difficult one to respond to so I was just trying to help.... hopefully I didnt just confuse you

We're actually related. Her mom is my dad's sister. Well, that makes sense, but I don't think either of us have any real plans of getting together, at least anytime soon given our awkward age difference and cousinhood. There's a good chance she doesn't even think I like her in that way. It's not even entirely clear that she likes me in that way. It seems fairly obvious she does, but the whole relationship is obviously very strange, so yeah.

I just think you guys are so close that you are both confused by that closeness and taking it as feelings for one another other than just an incredibly close friendship.

I don't think it is particularly weird. Nevertheless it sounds like your cousin and you are not good at setting boundaries.

Do you have a T?

I feel like I should set boundaries, especially since I'm the adult... but I enjoy holding her hand, hugging her, being close to her, etc. And I don't see that much harm in doing it... I guess. But I don't know.

What is a T?

T = therapist

Considering she's underage you could get into legal trouble if you became intimate, even if this wasn't your cousin. How do you think her parents and your parents would feel if they found out you both were considering this?? Why do you have to live with her family?

I'm not considering anything like that, especially at our present ages. I lived with them for about six months because I transferred to my hometown college and had nowhere else to go. I could have gotten an apartment, which I have right now, but I didn't really have the money.

I'm just wondering if you guys think this is an unhealthy relationship.

And her attachment to me seems pretty extreme. I'm just trying to figure out why she seems to like me and care about me to such an extreme degree.

Also, she has a crush on someone and there's a good chance they'll get together at some point n the relatively near future. I feel jealous about it, but I really hate the fact that I feel that way. I want her to have a boyfriend and be happy, and I also don't even want to like her as more than anything other than my cousin and friend, yet... here I am. Also, the guy she likes just happens to look very similar to me.

Well User, the unfortunate phobia you have is fueling the need for attention, from some one whom is close and shows security( a relative). Added with her couriousity plays a perfect kinda......'everyone gets hurt and/or goes to jail' kinda story. The good things are that you recognized there is a question in this family relationship and 'didn't go to town...' and she is finding someone other then the 'cute'st she had around her. Probably the reason why the new guys looks closley to you, maybe you have set a 'mental template of physical specimen' or guys are attractive to her, that look like you. It's also ok to jealous, for a little while, remember this is the physical relationship that evolved into a mental one. Be jealous, learn that you made her feel good as another human being and realize that you find some else, with in general age( or over 18), to explore( both willing) making each other feeling good.

Well, this isn't her first love interest to come up. She has routinely talked to me about the guys she has crushes on, and she wants me to get a girlfriend very badly.

Maybe you are uncomfortable. Maybe you are even sensing some red flags of possible problems down the road.

Maybe you need some distance on the situation. Maybe disengage some, do other things, get some perspective.

If things are feeling uncomfortable and potentially even disturbing, probably the best thing to do is get some distance. Do other things, find other things for your mind and emotions to focus on. You don't even need to hash this out with her, just do it, change your habits.

If you are uncomfortable with what is going on yet at the same time sorta thrilled and intrigued, be aware of that too. Think things over in the clear light of day with some distance and perspective.

I don't feel that way really at all though. I don't feel uncomfortable around her or about our relationship as it is. The only red flag down the road I can see is that we might very probably drunkenly sleep together one night when we're older.

And I don't want that to happen, but I could easily see it happening.

Young man, you are heading for a very special edition of the Jerry Springer show if you don't NIP THIS IN THE BUTT! I don't think granny is as off her rocker as her family thinks she is. Unless you are looking to become someone's b!tch in prison, I suggest you find mature, responsible ways to satisfy your perfectly valid and natural human needs. Seriously.

You asked if the relationship was particularly weird and I said no but is it unhealthy? Absolutely. Do you understand the difference?

Of course. Now, although I agree with you that it's probably unhealthy, why do you think this, and what steps do you think I should take to make it a... healthy relationship?

Just my humble opinion and others may have other ideas but it sounds as though your cousin and you have a deep emotional connection that you currently express by physical closeness. Could you learn to share in a different way, such as verbally or by participating in activities you both enjoy.

There is no reason not to have a close friendship or even some physical intimacy. I have a cousin who always gives me bear hugs when we see each other and it is not sexual at all, he is just fond of me. I cannot say where to draw the boundary line for you. It is probably different for me than it would be for you. Perhaps you could talk to a T about healthy boundaries and how to express your love for your cousin in an appropriate manner.

i think you're just confused of the closeness you had and set some boundaries.. i have a male cousin which is 3 years older than me. I usually hang out with him a lot when we were kids until before I went to college. we always share emotions and feelings to each other. We tell everything about us and we never lie to each other. He lays his head on my lap and while I''m combing his hair through my fingers. My grandfather always divert my cousin's attention away from me and he sees our relationship as incest. But luckily, my cousin and I (I guess) never occurred a romantic love relationship.

Don't be hard on yourself. Cousins have gone through this type of thing for as long as there have been families. However, you are very wise to see that you are the one who needs to set clearer boundaries because you are older. It sounds like you need to sit down and have a real conversation about this. Although it won't be easy it is more likely draw you close together in the long run, more so than anything physical which could be very hard on both of your lives.

A few recent updates.

She has recently told me twice that I'm her best friend, and she's that I don't understand just how much my opinion of her matters to her.

You seem to have a real grasp on the context of the situation.She seems to be at the age where she is figuring out who she is as a girl flowering into a mental context of 'adult', and wants male attention.She would likely be doing alot of this behavior;out of adolescent stage curiosity,whether it were you or another male that brought so much enjoyment to her spirit.She enjoys you,your personality,obvious regard for her; which seems to go beyond selfishness,and your history together,which enhances and reinforces her drive to be flirtatious.There are obvious biological concerns for not becoming intimate with her.Even if it were ok with the two of you at her age of 18....somewhere down the line it would evolve to a circumstance that became troubling for both of you and likely end in a serious need for therapy.Your age difference...for the next 10 years (you are 20,she's 15....when she's twenty you'll be 25.....)5 to 7 years while being within this age range,will create so many differences between you (when you consider your own development at that age and how rapid and or transient it was),you wouldn't feel the same way over the course of time as either of you do now.The societal constraints on such a thing holds alot of stigma and judgement,and you couldn't avoid the reality of it.She has a 'crush' on you because of the history,her age,your accessibility,your obvious ability to care for her on a deep level......she seems to need that bond with you.I think you are great ,in that you have restraint,forethought,insight,and a genuine regard for her.I really think the ability for something like this to literally haunt you is an undeniable factor which pleads for perspective.I also think this could 'turn on a dime' into a very regrettable action with no 'edit/delete' button.Prior to age 18.If I were you,I'd seriously consider making an inner agreement to not find myself alone w/o the eyes of others....when I was with her.Her 'friendship',and the memories the two of you are making will sustain you both for decades to come.You are essentially her brother.And if you don't violate this very special 'trust' you've built with her,you will be giving her an irreplaceable gift.Would it help to train your mind to view her as your sister....would you draw a line deeper in that case?Anyway,as usual....I am replying far outside the 'norm'....that's just 'me'.As far as this 'I'm asleep' game....that's just sticking your finger in a flame til it burns.jmo

I agree with Elana and wolfsong. If you really care about your cousin, you should be the older / wiser one and put a stop to this playing around. The reason I say this is - one day she might do this to another male who's not patient and she could end up getting raped.

You are the adult here and you really, really, really need to set some boundaries both physically and emotionally. She needs to understand that her behavior is not really appropriate. I would worry that she would have poor boundaries with other people if she doesn't start learning them with you, someone who loves and cares about her.

Until those boundaries are clearer, limit your time together to times when you are around other people. That will help establish an appropriateness in your interactions with each other that she just needs to start learning. An intimate relationship between you two is really NOT okay; it would be incestuous and could have serious long-term repercussions for each of you. But a loving, supporting, caring, healthy family/friend type relationship would be entirely appropriate.

Isn't she 15? She is old enough to understand this intellectually. It won't be an easy thing for her to hear or accept emotionally, but she will have to learn what is okay and what is not okay. That's just part of growing up.

thanks a lot everyone for the responses. a lot of them were quite helpful.

One point I would like to make is that even though she's only fifteen, she's incredibly smart. I'd say she was mentally on par with intelligent adults a year or two ago, and now it seems like she's basically a very intelligent adult. But although she's scarily intelligent, I think her emotional maturity is very normal for a young teenage girl.