[PlanningtoLive]

About two years ago I started talking on the phone to this man that I have known for about 9 years then. From about 10:30pm to around 12:30 or 1am. Every night, never missing. Once a month I would go to his house and help him with his bills and getting things read to him (he is blind).

This past February I got tired of the abuse that I got from my husband of 14 years. Not really physical, but lots of mental (verbal). He made my son quiet and our cats very skittish. Everyone was on edge. I got the courage to leave and move into this other town with my son and friend. By this time my friend had progressed to telling me that he loved me, had for a long time, and that he wanted to marry me. I realized that I loved him. He made me seem so surrounded by love and good about myself. The exact opposite of how my husband made me feel.

During all this past 6 months, I have had contact with my husband. For awhile he did his best to assure me that he had changed and that he truly loved me. My son did not like this and told me that he would never change, use the END key on my phone. When I say contact, I mean all kinds of contact. He moved out of state and I still drove down there to see him and spend time with him. Never over night and away from my son. My male friend was hurt by this and we argued a lot. When my husband is not in the picture, things are good. He told me that when I come back from seeing my husband, I am a changed person for about 3-4 hours. Very depressed and snotty.

My problem is that all three of us, me my son and my male friend moved back into town so that my son could go to school closer. It was costing me $350 in gas just to do it before. This move caused my husband to just explode and pull away from me. All this time I had been telling him that I was looking for a place for us, and that we were getting back together. I meant everything I said. I went to ads, saw apts. and did everything you would normally do. Then this place came up and my son and I moved into it with my male friend.

All this time my male friend and I have been having a relationship. We refer to each other as fiance, and fiancee.

I don't want to let go of my husband. He has moved far away, about 100 mile trek to his daughter's and is very hurt. He says that I have moved my male friend into his space. I am having very bad anxiety attacks, depression so bad I rarely leave the apartment, and until just recently my husband had found a "lady friend" that took my spot. I was livid.

I guess I need to let go. My problem is how. My husband is very controlling and used to time me from one spot to another if I was running an errand. I am still trying to get my husband to believe in me and give us another chance (which I know is not what is good for me). I have a divorce hearing on the 23rd of this month and I am scared. If he is there, I can't do it, I just can't. If he is gone, I am not sure what to do, proceed or quit it.

I love my husband, and I love my male friend. I am at a loss.

Thanks.

Mary Alice

[Yoda]

What good reason is there to stay with your abusive husband? What does your gut feeling say to do?

[Confusedinomicon]

The big thing I would focus on is your child. Reflect on his words. HE is the one who has seen hardships in your house and HE has seen the effects it had on you. Do you want to put him in the position where he feels uncomfortable? I think that is the key here. He deserves the best that you can give him.

Even if you decide to stay with your husband, in his eyes he probably feels betrayed. I don't think he has changed if he cannot grow up and act mature about this situation. You had valid reasons for leaving him. The way you describe the situation, it seems like he is blaming you for everything that is happening and he will probably not admit that he had a role in this. Therefore it is reasonable to try and cut ties with him.

You also show you fear him. Fear is not apart of a healthy relationship. If he shows up to the divorce court and you can't tell them why you want a divorce (I have no idea what they do at divorce hearing, sorry) then it shows you still fear him and he has control over you despite the separation. Seeing a therapist to talk about these feelings will help. Anyone who has been in a emotional or physically abusive relationship will generally have lowered self-esteem which can lead to depression and anxiety. It takes time to heal, but it is hard to do that when you expose yourself to what is hurting you. It reopens wounds.

((Hugs!!))

Remember taking the action to leave your husband under duress makes you a stronger person. There are many women and men out there who would love the have the courage you have by taking steps to better your life.

[PlanningtoLive]

Thanks Yoda and Confused. My gut tells me to leave, but my heart wants him back. It actually causes me chest pains and breathing issues when I am away from him. On the other hand, my fiance is fantastic. Treats me like a queen and says I deserve the best. Says the first half on my life has been terrible (on 3rd husband now), but the rest will be beautful.

My son is 15. He initially put up resistance to the move because what choice did we have? It could just get worse. Now since then, he is all for my fiance and I. He never wishes to talk to his father and screens his calls. He tells me that I worry him because his father upsets me so much.
My son is a beautiful child. I worry he knows too much that goes on.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think it is from being accustomed to being around him. You've spent a large amount of time with him and you probably thought he was the one when you guys got married.

Moving on, even from men/women who abused you can still cause heartache.

[PlanningtoLive]

I've spent 16 years with him, we have so much history together. I talked to him today (he initiated the call) and now he has another "lady friend". They supposedly sleep together but nothing happens because he can't. Course there is always the couch, but what do I know?

I felt the usual knife turning in my gut. He *****ed at me because I didn't call him back from this morning. I told him I would call him tonight, but not too late, because I didn't want to "interrupt" anything. I am so jealous.

My fiance is hanging in there with all the love and devotion I can handle. He doesn't like being apart from me. Why can't that be enough?

[PlanningtoLive]

The divorce is final. I went thru with it and now it's done. I feel like I need time to grieve now. Sixteen years are gone and the person I love is too.

[unaluna]

Dear Planning:
I know how hard this is. Even if the relationship hasn't always been the happiest, it is very painful when it ends, in many ways. I wish you and your son comfort and peace.

[sad mekmek]

I know that you are so confused between the two. But you have to choose only one and when you choose one, accept the fact that you will definitely hurt the other one. Focus yourself to only one person. Weigh things, think of all the possibilities. Have a time away from both of them first and try to figure out which one weighs a lot..

I hope this might help you.