mixed couple English/Iranian - HELP

I am a white English girl who has been in a relationship with an Iranian guy for almost a year now. Things were going quite well between us, apart from the occassional misunderstandings we had based on language barrier. Recently though, my boyfriend's brother, who lives not that far away, invited us both to his house so that we can meet. The meeting was pleasant, I spoke to his heavily pregnant wife, while my bf was catching up with his brother. We then invited them over to our house and a week later they showed up. From the time they arrived they spoke only Persian - which I don't understand. I tried starting topics in English, several times, but that didn't work too well as the three of them would just end up speaking in their language. It was then decided to have a bbq, the brother took over my kitchen like it was his, ruled over my bf as to what to prepare etc. I was really annoyed by this plus I still had no idea what was being said so I kept on asking my bf 'what did he say' and so on. I also said to my bf that I wasn't happy with the situation and that I'd appreciate if they spoke English. My bf spoke to his brother about it - and a few minutes later the brother said they were leaving.
Like this wasn't bad enough, few weeks later, brother's wife delivered a baby, and the brother said to my bf that he is invited to see the little boy, only if he comes alone without me.
What do I do in this situation???

there is nothing you can do to change this situation. Iranian law and culture is that of the man makes all the decisions and the woman does as shes told. the men under iranian law and culture are crap I forget the wording but it means all the children and how the children are raised is in the mans control according to the iranian laws and culture. you may be living in the USA or any other country but you are married to an iranian so you must honor their laws and culture. if the men want a BBQ and be the cooks of it then thats whats going to happen, if the man doesnt want the you to see the new baby then your not going to be able to see or interact with this child until the childs father says you can. (this one isnt so different than america by the way, american parents do decide who gets to be around their children and when)

the situations you posted about are out of your control to change.

that said future situations may be changable - educate yourself on the iranian history, iranian customs, Iranian laws, even read the Koran so you know what you are up against by being married to this man. have discussions with your guy about your views on family, children, religion. this way you will know where you stand with this man on those issues, so that in the future when children are born to you or the relatives you wont be blindsided again, you will know exactly what to expect and you will know when you can assert your views and when your asserting your views could end up with you in danger or hot water with your guy and the relatives.

Above all do not leave the USA even to visit iran or his relatives in iran. and if leaving american land is unavoidable know where the american embacy is and how to contact the and have a contact person there that can help you should the need arise.

One idea would be to just let this go and focus on yourself. And on yourself and your boyfriend. Sounds like the brother is into controlling, maybe he is the alpha in the family, and he is keeping you and your boyfriend in "your place". Which is ridiculous, but you can take the high road, and not let his games get to you.

What does your boyfriend say about all this?

You've asked to be included, the brother won't include you, which is unnecessarily mean on his part. Maybe he is working to stay in charge and in control. So you can step outside the game he is playing. You can instead stay busy with other things and with people who reasonable and kind.

He may want to goad you into being upset so he can then claim that you are the "crazy one". Don't let him do that.

Take your own power back. Remember that if the brother purposefully excludes you - it is his loss. He is missing out on an opportunity to know a good person who loves his brother (your boyfriend) and who could make a positive contribution to his family.

Maybe the brother feels threatened and he is protecting his turf. Or maybe he is just a jerk. No matter what, don't let him goad you into being upset.

Thanks for your reply!

My boyfriend seems to be torn in the situation, he doesn't want to hurt me, nor his brother. Which I understand, to the point. If he is being serious about our relationship - and he says he is - I was hoping he will do something about it, but, as far as I know, the conversation only made things worse (I wasn't invited to see the little baby and the brother said he won't speak in English 'cos that's not his language).
My bf's parents are coming over from Iran soon too, and I am really afraid what is going to happen. I mean, should I just act like nothing's ever happened and that we are all a happy family here? I feel like he (the brother) is starting to win, since I am even writing the post in here! Think I should do as you've mentioned - try to gain the power back. It's tough though!

Welcome shoe_addict!

The brother may not see you as a person in your own right, and / or he may be having problems dealing with his feelings of attraction to you. He is letting you know, you would not be marrying only a person, but a family, a culture, a given way of life. If your boyfriend gives in to his demand to visit him alone, he may or may not always give in.

It may simply be another cultural thing, that they consider it disrespectful for men and women to be together if they are not related. Do you know nothing about his beliefs? At this point, I am somewhat concerned for your safety, as your initiating a break-up may be viewed as shaming. This is not a cultural thing, it's just an angry prideful insecure unenlightened persons thing (the first mr hankster!).

I would find another boyfriend, one who is not dominated (for whatever reason) by his brother.

Thank you all for the messages.

Some time has now passed and things went back to normal between me and my bf, I decided there was no point in blaming him for the way his brother is acting. The brother seems to be an utter idiot, that's all I can say.

It's true that I should learn more about iranian customs, and I will do, I'm also starting to learn their language bit by bit. My bf is not a muslim but a protestant, and he's heavily opposed to Koran and all the 'man world' laws. When he was in Iran he used to drink alcohol (socially), which is strictly forbidden, and he loves the pork chops I make.
But the fact is his brother is much older than my bf and he holds a kind of power through that.
My bf told him that he is planning on getting married to me - all the brother said was 'it's your life, do what you want'

Welcome to PC shoe_addict. I am Iranian and I think I could help you in your research about Iranian customs and such things. Unfortunately, what amandalouise said is quite right. Men have a lot of power in Iranian law and culture and a great number of them abuse that power. Older brothers are usually very much respected and obeyed, so what you said about your bf's brother, although showing that the brother is a jerk, isn't out of the ordinary. The worst thing, however, is that when a man marries a woman the man's family (specially the women in his family) look at his wife in a very critical way, expectinng many things from her. It's so annoying! I remember my aunt saying she intends to marry a man who doesn't have a sister and whose mother is dead! Not all families are like that, but most of them are. Feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

Crossed culture relationships very rarely work.

Good luck. You'll need it.

Please be careful, his brother is NOT PLAYING GAMES.....it is the culture & the VALUES that he holds to be truth.

Even if your BF doesn't hold those values at this point & hopefully won't fall to the pressures of family to return to them, you will always have his family's values that will always be different than yours to have to deal with.

I would strongly suggest that you get very familiar with the Iranian cultural/religious values so that you know what you are up against in this relationship.

You also need to remember that just because your BF has become westernized, he grew up surrounded with those values & really doesn't know all the western ways when it comes to family dynamics. It would be like you going to a foreign country after you grew up in your English family & trying to figure out HOW to do it in their style based only on your learned experiences. Doesn't mean that it can't be done & that it isn't done, but it's NOT EASY. Better to go into a relationship knowledgeable than ignoring all the facts.

These sites can give you some insight to where your BF's family is coming from & the values he grew up with:

Can scroll down to the headings Marriage, Family, Kinship; Socialization; & Etiquette (the rest is good information also)
http://www.everyculture.com/Ge-It/Iran.html

http://www.culturecrossing.net/basic...dent.php?id=98can select the topics at the bottom of the page