[Visioneer]

SolutionIsProcess posted about problems with a room mate and I started to write a post in that thread but realized it was huge and should probably move it out of the thread.

I have a similar, but creepier, problem with one of my room mates. He lives in the basement of a house that we also share with the land lord, with whom I have been friends for over ten years, and we have a bit of shared history from childhood as well.

The downstairs room mate I met at work and we became friends several years ago. My upstairs room mate and I decided it would be the lesser of two evils to have him move in downstairs rather than a stranger when he was looking for a renter. Turns out this was a huge mistake and I'd probably feel safer living with a stranger.

It took a long time to get it into his head that I did not want to wake up in the morning or get out of the shower and find him in my living room waiting for me. At first I was nice about it, then started trying to ignore it, then gently explained to him that it was bothering me, and then had to actually be pretty harsh to get him to leave me alone and stay in his own space. He would bring people through the upstairs of the house even though he has his own entrance, like when I was getting ready for work in the morning, or trying to sleep at night, and make my dog freak out.

He lies about things, really obvious lies, and it scares me what big lies he might be telling if he's so insistent about constantly telling ridiculously bald-faced medium-sized ones. My upstairs room mate came home early to find him in my bedroom a while ago while I was still at work. I am so creeped out by him I don't even know what to do about it. I feel bad for him because he is depressed and seriously question his sanity at this point. I have recommended counseling, and he has gone, but says it doesn't help. I also find him incredibly irritating, and everyone I know also finds him irritating and creepy. I feel awful that he's feeling so bad, but I can't be personally involved in this anymore. I can't trust him at all, and he has full access to the house. I'm so glad he's gone when I'm sleeping at night

He throws tantrums about having to do chores (he is 26) and take care of his cat (which is now incredibly ill) or even do things that require nothing more than common sense to make things go more smoothly for everyone. The only time my upstairs room mate and I go down there is to do laundry, and I leave that until the last possible minute these days so I don't have to see what's going on down there.

His cat is destroying the carpeting and walls, and he doesn't clean its litter box or give it fresh water, feeds it badly and sporadically, and leaves its litter all over the floor so we have to walk through it. It gets tracked all over the place. I found the cat bleeding from his butt last week and begged him to take it to the vet and take better care of it, but he refused to take it to the vet, and promised to feed it and take care of it better, but he says this over and over, and also admits regularly that he does not have the ability to take care of it, but won't do anything to improve the situation or find it a new home. I end up taking care of the cat when I feel sorry for it, and I'm disgusted by how badly he is treating it, and I'm torn between not butting into his business and saving this poor thing's life.

I had to sweep his carpet a while ago because it was so filthy there was no point in vacuuming it. I tried to show him how to clean things a while ago, during which I taught him to dust and vacuume and clean up spills and sweep thoroughly. While vacuuming, I found a couch cover balled up in the corner of the rec room wet and smelling of vomit. He had ample opportunity to move it in the several hours it was taking to do a thorough cleaning job, but left it there for me to find. He insisted he had no idea how it got there or why it was wet or smelled. I was so freaked out I had to leave and was shaking.

I have suggested many times that he spend time with other friends and go out and do things that he enjoys, now that I'm trying to get some distance between us, but he insists on isolating himself because I don't want to be around him 24 hours a day. He has had feelings for me for a long time, even while he dated someone else for a year, and is really inappropriate about it, sending me unwelcome emails and saying things I really don't want to hear.

Part of the issue is that we work at the same company, and I recently switched off of the shift we were both on to get a life of my own, not really about getting away from him, but about changing my lifestyle. He realized he couldn't get onto the same shift I'm on now for practical reasons, so he decided to do the next best thing and switch to third shift so that he would still be home when I'm awake in the evening. He says it was for other reasons (going back to school, which he has since changed his mind about), but a lot of other people pointed out his motives before I even realized it myself, and now I'm even more worried.

I'm actually kind of scared of him now.... I really don't know what he will do next, and it is a source of stress. No idea what step to take next, aside from ask him to leave, and it's not up to me. The upstairs room mate/landlord doesn't take things very seriously or take much responsibility for what happens in the house in general, so I am left to deal with all of this on my own. No idea what to do. Hating all of this.

[unaluna]

How seriously would the landlord take it if you decide to move out because conditions have become intolerable? It's like threatening to quit a job, it's a card you can only play once, but if he truly doesn't care, then that tells you he may be planning to sell soon or something along those lines, in which case you would be looking for a new place anyway. Instead of trying to fix where you are, I would try to go where you really want to be, if your job and finances allow you to do so. In any case, a lock on your bedroom door, asap! And I would take the cat to the shelter, and report him, but I'm a virtual b!tch. Just some ideas. Best of luck.

[Visioneer]

Yes, I have thought about getting my own place. And I think my landlord knows that. I don't know what he can legally do about asking him to leave, though, I don't know what channels you have to go through for that. I also don't want to be the reason if he is asked to leave. I'm afraid he'll go even further off the deep end. The thing is the rent is really cheap here - I have my bedroom and my living room furniture, and it's really reasonable. There is also a back yard for my dog, and I want him to have that. If I could find something just as good, not much more expensive (I just took a pay cut for my new job), I would jump on it. The thing is, I don't mind sharing with my upstairs room mate, though it is awkward sometimes and I do wish we had more space apart, but I don't think I could afford to live alone. It's also good to know that if something happened that I couldn't take care of my dog, my landlord loves him and would take care of him. Thank you for the encouragement, though, I appreciate it.

I also would like to get a lock on my door, but I want the dog to be able to go in and out, or he keeps me awake. I want him to have as much room as possible as well. But I guess if it is a question of my safety, and my sense of security, I should consider it more seriously. I'm worried that he goes through my things. I'm also worried that he might go on my computer when I'm out, so now I have to lock it out when I leave the house. Maybe my landlord would let me make a doggie door - there's already a hole in it and he's going to get new ones eventually. This whole thing is making me incredibly paranoid.

Ah, thank you, now I don't feel so bad for wanting to report the cat's neglect situation or take it to the humane society! I have thought of it but I am so afraid it would tear him up, and I would feel awful doing that to him. I find it hard to draw the line. I know the cat is his responsibility, and I shouldn't have to check up on him. I'm not his mom. But I also can't stand the idea that something horrible is happening to the cat and no one is paying attention. I worry that if he moved out and got his own place, the cat would be hidden from the world and no one would know what was happening to it. I have to ask myself, if it was anyone other than him, would I have as much trouble reporting it? Probably not.

Part of his issue is that he was neglected and abused as a child. He raised his younger brother and sister while his parents were working odd hours or out. His little brother was violent. His mother is extremely emotionally manipulative (when he was little she used to threaten to harm herself unless he did things). For a while when he started working full time his mother was leeching money off of him as well. They didn't teach him a lot of things, simple things that most people take for granted, like proper hygiene. His teeth are rotting. He can't take care of himself let alone a cat, but he says he loves the cat and it is one of the few joys in his live. And I understand that it's hard for him, and he has to learn. But I don't want to be his guide, as much as I want to help him with this stuff, I don't want to be personally involved anymore. I have to stop taking responsibility for his issues, but I know he won't. This has gotten out of hand. I wish he would seek professional help on his own, and I don't want to be in this situation anymore. I have been avoiding him for a few months now. I wish he would move out

[unaluna]

I wonder if you could get your city's social services involved? It's not a cat hoarding situation, but it is abuse, and he doesn't really seem capable of living on his own even tho he has a job. I'm not sure who you would contact, but he sounds like he maybe could use a social worker, or a minister? Some kind of support might at least make it easier for you, and maybe find a group situation for him or something more suitable.

[lynn P.]

I think you either need to tell the landlord about him so he can send him a notice or find another place but still tell the landlord. The landlord has the right to know if the space is being ruined and filthy. He also needs to know this guy is violating other renters in the house - going in your bedroom is actually against the law IMO and completely creepy. Tell the landlord he did this and you can't stand the smell - let him know its either him or you. I don't think you can have peace of mind with him roaming around.

[Rapunzel]

If an animal is being neglected or abused, you should report it. You need to talk to your landlord about the whole situation, and he needs to decide how to handle it. It's hard to imagine that he's ok with someone trashing his house like that, or with violating another renter's rights. The landlord has liability too if he doesn't manage the house properly. He shouldn't be leaving it all to you.

[SolutionIsProcess]

You need to get out of there. Or he does. One or the other. If my situation escalated to even half of what yours is, I'd be gone like a fart in the wind.

Good luck, and please let us know what happens. What a creep.

[Visioneer]

hankster; I think a group situation would be really good for him. He has lived in rented spaces with other people before, and I know he does better when there are other people around, it gives him more impetus to take care of things and obviously keeps him from being isolated. I think it would be a lot healthier for him to find something like that. With his obsession with me, I can't possibly do that for him. It would be healthier for him, not just me, if he were out of this situation. But trying to ask him how he would feel about doing that might seem like rejecting him even further. I guess it can only be for the best, though. I don't think living in a basement is good for him right now either, or the cat. The relative darkness down there is probably not helping the situation, and the cat claws the walls to get to the window so he can see outside.

LynnP, Rapunzel; I do wish the landlord would be a bit more hands-on in this whole thing. He doesn't like him being here either, but he's inexperienced with this and not very professional about it. I'm also trying really hard to not get involved with what happens between them, because they have gotten into fights before that I've had to mediate. It's not fun at all.

SolutionIsProcess; "gone like a fart in the wind", that made me LOL

Thanks, everyone.

[lynn P.]

All your landlord has to do is, give the guy 30 days notice eviction in writing. If he's a landlord he should be aware of the responsibilities of the job and the legal landlord/tenant rules. He doesn't need to get personal or in arguments. If you feel he won't do his part then you'll have to move somewhere else unfortunately.

If my situation escalated to even half of what yours is, I'd be gone like a fart in the wind.

This response made me LOL too.