Day after diagnosis, husband wants a separation

I have been working with my doctor to help get myself back to feeling normal, knowing that it was having an impact on my relationship with my husband. I was diagnosed with bipolar II, and the next day my husband told me he wanted a separation as soon as it was "possible". He had done this to me about 6 times, then just ended up staying with me. This time, I'm not sure if I want to stay with him. I am ready to call it quits. He treats me like I don't even exist most the time. He sleeps until it's time to work, works, comes home and has his face in the computer, then goes to bed. I just can't deal with this anymore. I have been trying sooooo hard to do anything and everything that I possibly can to help make things better for us, and clearly you need both people to be willing to work on things. I am exhausted. If I ever just go up to talk to him, he sighs and says what now?. Like I am a major inconvenience to him. Not to mention how he picks at every little thing that I do.

He won't tell me why he wants to leave me, he says he doesn't owe me an explanation of anything...sigh......he says it has nothing to do with my diagnosis, and he sure didn't have any problem saying that "see, maybe it's all your fault" Not to mention the fact that we have two children together, and he never spends any time with them. I feel so bad for them, I dont want us to separate, just because Idon't want our kids to go through that.

Does anyone have any words of thought for me? I'm not really sure where I'm going from here.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Can you ask him if he would be willing to try couples counseling 1st. If the answer is no, then I suggest accepting his offer to separate. A relationship needs both people who are willing to work to improve the relationship. If his mind is made up, then no use delaying the inevitable. If he does want to stay he'll likely end up doing this again which is why counseling is necessary. Your kids will survive a break up as long as you both remain civil and respectful for your kids sake. I wish you well in getting treatment to feel better.

((((jlock4507))))

That is so sad! Just because you are struggling with an emotional illness, that does not make you the evil one who caused all of the distance between you and your hub. He could have been, and should have been more committed to helping you. "In sickness and in health..." Don't these words mean anything anymore??

I just find this reality of our world SO depressing, sorry.

Regarding your children, it is hard either way. My ex and I didn't let years of misery and resentment build up between us before we separated and a year or two later, we divorced. My SIL waited until their children were 16 or older, hoping that they'd be more emotionally prepared. The children pick up on the tension regardless. It really puts them in a bind, not wanting to show more love to Dad than to Mom (and vice-versa). The same way that we try to show our children that we love them individually just as much as the other/s. Not an easy concept to get across!

My point is, I do understand not wanting to put your children through the pain of divorce and splitting custody, who will be their "primary custodian", etc. But, in my experience, the sooner it's done, the sooner you can begin working on re-building their faith in your love for them. That you aren't going to ever leave them. It can be real uncomfortable at times, just like now though.

You do the best that you can. That is what you can do to make your children's lives a better world. Personally, I'd recommend keeping your children's lives as stable as you can throughout the process of ending it with their father. Keeping them in the same house (if possible), going to the same school, etc. That really does help!

Hello, jlock4507. "Would you be better off with him or without him?" ~Ann Landers

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's hard enough just being sick then having to deal with someone that shows no compassion or support. Sounds like this has been going on for awhile, like Bella said couples counseling might be a place to start. Then again you may find you get healthier with a separation. Take care of yourself

Care about yourself and I am really sorry for behaviour of your husband. Do you have a job?

Thank you for your kind words, no I don't have a job right now. The husband and I agreed it would be best for me to stay home with the kids until they are in school. I feel so stuck, and quite honestly, emotionless about all of this. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't want to uproot, and move, but he obviously isn't moving anywhere, and he wants us to live to together and be separated. I don't think so. If he wants a sep. then that's what we will do, the real way. It seems like he just wants to do whatever he wants and not have to answer to anyone but himself, yet it seems like he still wants someone to take care of him.

IMHO, if your husbands wants to separate, it's his responsibility to move, not yours. I hope you can work out something, like going into couples therapy first. I think honestly tha tyour husband is using you rmental illness diagnosis as an excuse to blame all of your troubles on you. I hope you can be assertive in this. I am sorry you are not financially independent. That sucks really.

I must say that the timing sucks! Here you finally get a diagnosis, and he wants to split! You would think that he would be more understanding & compassionate. But I guess he's just a man.

I wouldn't worry too much about the kids --- why keep them with their father when he doesn't pay any attention to them anyway? Kids are happy in a happy home, and your home isn't happy right now. Perhaps after you've separated, the kids will feel relieved and happier -- and so will YOU. There won't be the stress anymore -- you won't be constantly picked on. Kids are resilient -- they'll be okay as long as you're intune to their needs.

It's too bad he doesn't remember the vows he took when you got married. I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you wanted out if he became ill or disabled. I'm sure it would be a different story then.

I wish you the very best of luck -- I have a feeling that you'll be just fine. You NEED to get your self-esteem back -- he's beaten you down. Once he's gone, I think your household will be much more pleasant -- and that will help you emotionally. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thinking of you, jlock. Remember to take good care of you.

My heart goes out to you, jlock4507. I was hospitalized for depression last May, and before I was even formally released home, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. (There must be a special place in Hell for people like that!)

We have since agreed on a separation. He moved out last weekend.

Please do not let your husband turn you into the marital scapegoat simply because you have been diagnosed with bipolar II! That's exactly what my own husband has been trying (unconsciously, I think) to do. It takes two people to make a marriage work -- or fail -- and the fact that you are struggling with an emotional disorder does not mean you are to blame for the relationship difficulties.

I am a stay/work-at-home mom, too.

Sending you hugs and warm wishes.

How about to try to find a part time job, maybe after you can feel better and you can sort more what you want. You do not have to know what you want but you can tell ok I will do this and I will see. If you will decide to try to keep your marriage or to send your husband with his computer to somewhere, it is really after maybe more clear how to do.

Girls I do not remember exactly wow of wending but there is something about time of health and illness.