I am a survivor of emotional child abuse. The problem was my mother. She raised me to be an adult from the start, was physically cold and told me from a young age that love was not important and that I was born to take care of her. She isolated me from other children and from my father. I am now an adult but have no interest in relationships and have no friends as I never learned how to have fun. Recently, I have had problems holding a job particularly where my boss is a woman. I am a hard worker and don't understand what is going on and would appreciate if others could shed light on this for me. Here are some examples:

My last job started off well - the quality of my work was well above that of my predecessors. My boss - a woman - had a reputation for being mean; she was a bully. Criticism soon started. She objected to me eating at McDonald's (she accused me of eating there daily when, in fact, I only ate there once a week at most) and for eating non-organic foods; she criticized the music I listened to at my desk doing my mostly data entry job. I thought she was a hypocrite - who was she to lecture me on good health when she smoked cigarettes like a fiend? I said nothing not wanting to escalate things but her criticisms only increased. One of the bosses asked us to help him with a client who was a problem - the client always played stupid. My boss disliked the client and asked me to deal directly with the client even though it was not in my job description. Hoping to get on her good side, I agreed. When the client emailed me with questions and work, I responded immediately. The client was very pleased but my boss criticized me because my other work was not getting done. She told me that all of my other work had to be done before I could reply to the problem client. That meant I could not answer the client's emails for a week; I felt that was rude and would hurt me with the boss who had the client. There were other matters too. The last straw was when she threw a fit in front of the department, screaming and grabbing papers off my desk looking for a missing letter that, of all things, I told her 3 times I had given her and should be on her desk. I panicked, ran to her office, saw the letter and brought it to her. I yelled - here's the letter, it was on your desk. She lied and told management that I had put the letter on her desk and that she did not feel safe around me. I was fired.

Before that, I worked in a firm that consisted mostly of women and was very feminist. I was warned by, of all people, the doorman to the building who told my boss that when she hired men it always ended badly. I was also warned by a co-worker to watch out for a problem employee and that if I was fired the president would say things so that no one else would hire me. The problems started almost immediately. The problem employee would do everything she could to harass me. Once, she asked if I liked to sleep around. I replied that it was not my style. She asked if I liked to play around when in a relationship. I said that I could not bring myself to do that. Then, she decreed that I was prejudiced because she believed in free love and that my thoughts were harassing her. She proceeded to do everything in her power to distract me and complained to the sympathic president. I was asked if I would change desks (to one out of her sight - a reason was not given). I said no; I did not believe I had done anything wrong. I was then given progressively more and more work to the point that it was unreasonable. I complained about the work load several times. (Other employees had walked out or were fired, and I had been asked to help out until a replacement was found. It took over a year for a capable replacement to be hired.) I worked a lot of overtime, still could not keep up and was exhausted. I started suffering from PTSD though I did not know what it was at the time. Other employees started insulting me more and more. Finally, I cracked and could not stop yelling at one of them after they had been rude. I was blamed and fired. The warning was true, the president labeled me an abuser and did everything she could to prevent me from getting a job. She even called my prior employers and asked them not to give me references.

Even walking on the sidewalk here in NYC, I find that I am bullied by women. I have a bad foot and am often in pain when I walk. Because of this problem, I walk on the right so that people can pass me. Young women purposely walk into me. They expect me to get out of their way and walk around them. It is more prevalent among some ethnic groups but women of all ethnicities shoulder me as they walk by; they have no concern for manners. It seems to be a matter of empowerment / entitlement. I discussed it with a friend. He deals with the same issue and says that if people want to walk into him, then let them. He refuses to walk like a receiver avoiding tackles. Does anyone know what this behavior is all about? Can anyone make suggestions on what I should do to protect myself on the job? I feel like I am a sitting duck.

(Note: This is a re-post originally in the sexuality forum; it was suggested that this form was a more appropriate place for it.)

[sunrise]

I think many women are not bullies and would not treat you that way on the job. You have been unlucky. Since you've struck out the last couple of jobs with a female boss, how about trying a job with a male boss next time? And work to improve relations with females who are not in a position of authority over you.

As for the shouldering you on sidewalks, I think it may be a NYC thing. We don't do that where I live--in a major west coast city. No one touches each other on the sidewalk here. I guess it can happen accidentally if the sidewalk is very crowded, but in that case, an apology is required if physical contact occurs, such as "excuse me," "sorry," "whoops, my bad," etc. If people kept shouldering and shoving me, I might try subtly tripping them as they went on by, LOL. And then apologize of course when they stumble. Maybe that would teach them to respect the other person's space.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

I am a survivor of emotional child abuse. The problem was my mother. She raised me to be an adult from the start, was physically cold and told me from a young age that love was not important and that I was born to take care of her. She isolated me from other children and from my father. I am now an adult but have no interest in relationships and have no friends as I never learned how to have fun. Recently, I have had problems holding a job particularly where my boss is a woman. I am a hard worker and don't understand what is going on and would appreciate if others could shed light on this for me. Here are some examples:

My last job started off well - the quality of my work was well above that of my predecessors. My boss - a woman - had a reputation for being mean; she was a bully. Criticism soon started. She objected to me eating at McDonald's (she accused me of eating there daily when, in fact, I only ate there once a week at most) and for eating non-organic foods; she criticized the music I listened to at my desk doing my mostly data entry job. I thought she was a hypocrite - who was she to lecture me on good health when she smoked cigarettes like a fiend? I said nothing not wanting to escalate things but her criticisms only increased. One of the bosses asked us to help him with a client who was a problem - the client always played stupid. My boss disliked the client and asked me to deal directly with the client even though it was not in my job description. Hoping to get on her good side, I agreed. When the client emailed me with questions and work, I responded immediately. The client was very pleased but my boss criticized me because my other work was not getting done. She told me that all of my other work had to be done before I could reply to the problem client. That meant I could not answer the client's emails for a week; I felt that was rude and would hurt me with the boss who had the client. There were other matters too. The last straw was when she threw a fit in front of the department, screaming and grabbing papers off my desk looking for a missing letter that, of all things, I told her 3 times I had given her and should be on her desk. I panicked, ran to her office, saw the letter and brought it to her. I yelled - here's the letter, it was on your desk. She lied and told management that I had put the letter on her desk and that she did not feel safe around me. I was fired.

Before that, I worked in a firm that consisted mostly of women and was very feminist. I was warned by, of all people, the doorman to the building who told my boss that when she hired men it always ended badly. I was also warned by a co-worker to watch out for a problem employee and that if I was fired the president would say things so that no one else would hire me. The problems started almost immediately. The problem employee would do everything she could to harass me. Once, she asked if I liked to sleep around. I replied that it was not my style. She asked if I liked to play around when in a relationship. I said that I could not bring myself to do that. Then, she decreed that I was prejudiced because she believed in free love and that my thoughts were harassing her. She proceeded to do everything in her power to distract me and complained to the sympathic president. I was asked if I would change desks (to one out of her sight - a reason was not given). I said no; I did not believe I had done anything wrong. I was then given progressively more and more work to the point that it was unreasonable. I complained about the work load several times. (Other employees had walked out or were fired, and I had been asked to help out until a replacement was found. It took over a year for a capable replacement to be hired.) I worked a lot of overtime, still could not keep up and was exhausted. I started suffering from PTSD though I did not know what it was at the time. Other employees started insulting me more and more. Finally, I cracked and could not stop yelling at one of them after they had been rude. I was blamed and fired. The warning was true, the president labeled me an abuser and did everything she could to prevent me from getting a job. She even called my prior employers and asked them not to give me references.

Even walking on the sidewalk here in NYC, I find that I am bullied by women. I have a bad foot and am often in pain when I walk. Because of this problem, I walk on the right so that people can pass me. Young women purposely walk into me. They expect me to get out of their way and walk around them. It is more prevalent among some ethnic groups but women of all ethnicities shoulder me as they walk by; they have no concern for manners. It seems to be a matter of empowerment / entitlement. I discussed it with a friend. He deals with the same issue and says that if people want to walk into him, then let them. He refuses to walk like a receiver avoiding tackles. Does anyone know what this behavior is all about? Can anyone make suggestions on what I should do to protect myself on the job? I feel like I am a sitting duck.

(Note: This is a re-post originally in the sexuality forum; it was suggested that this form was a more appropriate place for it.)

I have noticed some ethnic groups walk on the left (which would be your right in the opposite direction) and I have also noticed that they don't want to yield. I get the impression in their cultures they do not "see" other people on the street. Do the best you can and if need be say "I'm walking here" or something else to let them know you are coming through.

My other piece of advice is to stop playing the victim where women are concerned.Not all female employees are bad, although I would agree with you that women often seem to get a pass when they manage poorly. However, I have had plenty of sexist, creepy very bad male managers, too. If at all possible don't hire on to a place where you receive several warnings about the conditions before you even start. If you encounter another overbearing woman, try being obtuse and yet firm. If some woman asks you sex questions on the job, the first and only thing out of your mouth should be "Oh, I never discuss such things on the job. That would be inappropriate." If someone got in my face about what I ate for lunch, I'd try to find another place to eat without them around if possible, and if it isn't possible, I'd just keep chewing and answering "huh, oh.. Food is so expensive nowadays..you know I was just thinking about how many people are starving in the world and would be glad to have something to eat.." What I mean is to redirect her snotty, overbearing, inappropriate comments without confronting her or encouraging her to continue. The boss who gives you what you think are truly impossible rules and guidelines is the boss you should actively and secretly plan to move away from -- either in the same organization or by quitting and going elsewhere. I have realized over the years that companies hire a boss to do Job A and even if the boss is lousy at all the other attendant tasks and duties of their job if they get Job A done, the company will look the other way. For your own well-being: stop screaming at people, particularly women. I've worked for women and men who hollered, and I know how hard it is to resist shouting back. But it is worth the effort. The louder and meaner they get the softer and more firm and measured should be your replies and preferably in front of witnesses. "I believe the letter is on your desk, Ms Whatsername" and "I placed the letter on your desk on Tuesday right before lunch, Ms Whatsername". Bullies and overly stressed people abound in the workplace and some people -- an increasing number I think -- have (mistakenly) bought into the idea that they will feel better if they dump their emotional crud on others. I work under someone like that. It's pathetic and I am planning to get out from under this situation. The best solution for you might be to get into a line of work that has more men than women and to recognize that rude, obnoxious people are both male and female and everything in-between. You might also benefit from some sort of group interaction where you can listen to others in a non-threatening setting; whether from some sort of group therapy or even from a fun book club discussion group. It will give you the opportunity to listen to others without you being under pressure all the time, like you are feeling now. I do hope your stress level lowers and I hope you find a good job you like, too (I hope that for everyone). Courage!

thanks icecreamkid and sunrise for your helpful comments. i think i am going to change my line of work. it will pay less but there will be a lot less worry (hopefully). maybe i will also go back to school for new training. being gay, i am doubtful that i will fit in in a male dominated work environment. though i am nearly celibate, if i try to be friendly with a straight guy they get the impression that i am sexually interested in them. in fact, all i'm doing to trying to have friends at work and to get along with my co-workers.

from abuse on the jobs, i have developed complex PTSD. it is very difficult to live with and adds further stress to what is already a stressful job. the more problems i try to let roll off my shoulders, the more those problems affect my sleep and emotions when i am not on the job. i was walking around totally stressed and exhausted. it made looking for another job difficult because my energy and confidence levels were low. i am not articulate, especially when i am upset and worried (which is most of the time), making communication difficult. i am not good at thinking and then speaking, so i keep my mouth shut. i have a hard time making eye contact when holding a conversation and sometimes have to close my eyes when speaking in order to verbalize my thoughts. it seems the best i can do under the circumstances though. it can take days and weeks for me to work through emotions and verbalize a reply. the process of working through things is a hinderance since i am often not being in the present moment; i'm still trying to figure out what happened yesterday and how to deal with it. i have little confidence that i can master the art of verbal self-defense. giving an obtuse answer, i'm afraid, will make people think i am weirder than i already am.

[lynn P.]

I answered this post in the other forum but forgot to add something. You mentioned you had an over powering/controlling mother, so basically she hard wired you to take/accept being ordered around - so sorry you had such an unhealthy relationship with your mother. I'm sure this was stifling and produced a great deal of repressed anger. You learned how to be submissive to your mom and probably have a certain kind of body language - let me explain. When the lady at work started asking you inappropriate questions, you reluctantly answered and probably looked down and uncomfortable. Since she's a bully she new from that point on she had you, so to speak. Due to your upbringing you tolerate at first this kind of behavior, until you can't stand it anymore ...then your repressed anger causes you to blow up.

The solution is to learn how to be firmly assertive(not losing it though), the moment you sense someones intentions are inappropriate / unfair. Body language is important. If that was me and someone asked me about my sex life etc - I would right away say "excuse ME its none of your business". Bullies look for easy targets. This doesn't mean you want to walk around like a tough guy with an attitude - but do walk and talk with confidence.

The key with the past experience is - the moment these women started bothering you, you became that reluctantly compliant little boy, but then later on you asserted yourself too strongly which ended up giving those women what they wanted. Play it cool with reserved strength from the beginning, then bullies won't mess with you.

Thanks everyone for your very helpful comments. I can't believe that people are so mean. But, they are. I am afraid to trust anyone. There are so many essentials missing from my life - caring parents, friends, relationships, a job. I was raised weird and I don't understand life.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

There are so many essentials missing from my life - caring parents, friends, relationships, a job. I was raised weird and I don't understand life.

My sentiments exactly. Your work stories are so similar to mine, and I'm a woman, but not "lady-like" enough, I guess? I never did figure out what I was always doing wrong, although I think things are changing for me now. I'd like to talk with you more about this.

You shared with us :
"Once, she asked if I liked to sleep around. I replied that it was not my style. She asked if I liked to play around when in a relationship. I said that I could not bring myself to do that. Then, she decreed that I was prejudiced because she believed in free love and that my thoughts were harassing her. She proceeded to do everything in her power to distract me and complained to the sympathetic president. I was asked if I would change desks (to one out of her sight - a reason was not given). I said no; I did not believe I had done anything wrong. I was then given progressively more and more work to the point that it was unreasonable. I complained about the work load several times. (Other employees had walked out or were fired, and I had been asked to help out until a replacement was found. It took over a year for a capable replacement to be hired.) I worked a lot of overtime, still could not keep up and was exhausted. I started suffering from PTSD though I did not know what it was at the time. Other employees started insulting me more and more. Finally, I cracked and could not stop yelling at one of them after they had been rude. I was blamed and fired. The warning was true, the president labeled me an abuser and did everything she could to prevent me from getting a job. She even called my prior employers and asked them not to give me references. "

Some people are so mean.....and since you have experienced it,you understand the value of not being as they have been.That is valuable.

Lynn said~
"The key with the past experience is - the moment these women started bothering you, you became that reluctantly compliant little boy, but then later on you asserted yourself too strongly which ended up giving those women what they wanted. Play it cool with reserved strength from the beginning, then bullies won't mess with you."

She's got a good point.

If you do change jobs,you can enact this strategy,and essentially,it will deter having as many 'run-ins'....not all,but,try to consider some of the encounters you have had,how you might have responded differently,and when these pop up,in the future,try to have a plan of how to reply with subtle self-confidence.

Can you check out these resources?

http://www.selfhelpcollective.com/as...echniques.html

http://www.crackingconfidence.co.uk/...ggressive.html

http://tutorials.freeskills.com/read.../recent/id/430

This experience you had was sexual harassment.I imagine there would be much backlash with future jobs,had you pursued justice in recourse.But you easily could have had a case.This woman was deplorable.

Ice cream kid said:
"My other piece of advice is to stop playing the victim where women are concerned."

This,is not a criticism,it just means that you are projecting a response which is not accomplishing what your goal is,which is to at least appear to be assured within yourself enough to take a strong but objective position in situations such as this.

You said,"being gay, i am doubtful that i will fit in in a male dominated work environment. though i am nearly celibate, if i try to be friendly with a straight guy they get the impression that i am sexually interested in them."People can be so ignorant,me included ...awwe.

This is just what's going on in my head,and I could be wrong,but I was thinking,many men are very insecure as to how they'd be perceived if they did not take this stance with some one who is 'gay'.They are immersed in stigma,and reputation.It is very difficult to not be either misinterpreted,because of their close mindedness,or shunned due to their concern of others interpretations of them being simply even cordial.

I certainly wish I had more to offer you as far as this suffering you are experiencing,but,I simply don't have the life experience necessary to offer more guidance.But,I must say,many here would completely relate to your pain,as we all have encountered bias,and nasty hearted people on power trips.

Please know that you "can do this'.You will find a more comfortable way to internalize others behaviors and come to a point where you feel more confidence with your responses and things will improve.
~W~

Hankster and Wolfsong, thanks for your comments. Hankster - feel free to PM me; i'd like to hear your stories also. Wolfsong - I will check out your recommended websites. There were so many basic things my parents did not teach me in order to make me their caretaker. I hope to glean some valuable information from the sites. Again, thanks everyone for your support - it means a lot.

[tlandelclark]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

Thanks everyone for your very helpful comments. I can't believe that people are so mean. But, they are. I am afraid to trust anyone. There are so many essentials missing from my life - caring parents, friends, relationships, a job. I was raised weird and I don't understand life.

It sounds like you have had some very unfortuante luck with women, speaking as one I would like to say that we are not all like that. I feel the same way you do about people...it seems to me that everyone is for the most part mean...but I have to keep telling myself that is a generalization. There are always exceptions to the rule. There are charming, sensitive, funny, strong women everywhere...and some of us even know how to behave in public and how to treat other people. While my problem with friendships and relationships isn't exactly the same as yours, I don't like to let people get close to me, I can completely understand what you are going through. Don't give up on looking for those connections though, there are people out there who will value you as a person and those who do not aren't worth your time.