[SoupDragon]

I have been divorced from a very controlling / manipulative man for 8 months. The control was never obvious, but very subtle, undermining comments to make his ideas always far better than mine, lack of emotional support, plus a whole heap of stuff that would fill up this website.

Anyway we remain civil (me through gritted teeth) for the sake of our boys - well that's the story that gets told, I thnk I remain civil to keep his controlling under control - if I didn't allow him to stay here a couple of nights a week I am scared that he would manipulate things so he could have my boys staying with him for increasing amounts of time.

He has now bought a place about half a mile from my mum's house. She called me this morning and said he has suggested that she walk up there when she takes her dog for a walk for a coffee and then he will drive her home again.

Mum asked if I minded and I didn't know what to say really - it feels again like his controlling behaviour - like he wants his life exactly as it has always been with contact with my family and friends - only minus me - apart from when it suits him. However I said the adult thing that her realtionship with him has nothing to do with me and she should do what she wants to do. I should make it clear that this is definitely not about him having an intimate relationship with my mum, but just carrying on the son-in-law / mother-in-law one.

However I am feeling really hurt and betrayed by both of them, where is my mum's loyalty to me? I feel like so unimportant and horrible.

I was wondering whether anyone else has experienced this situation and whether or not I am overreacting, I just can't make sense of it, or know how I am supposed to be feeling about it.

[Leed]

Hi ~ and WELCOME!! I've been divorced from a really controlling man too -- for 18 years. He ALSO bought a house very close to mine -- and proceeded to stalk me, call at all hours of the night, and be a total PEST. I ended up selling my home, and moving out of town -- boy did THAT make him mad! LOL

I understand how you feel about him and your Mother. I would be hurt too!! During a particularly bad time in the marriage, my ex was telling my mother all kinds of things, and they were LIES. But my mother believed him -- and I was NEVER so angry as I was then. She SHOULD have defended me to him -- but she didn't. It took me awhile, but I finally realized that it didn't really matter what he said -- *I* know the truth, and so does God. That's all that matters.

Don't let go of your power -- don't let him TAKE your power. Get your power back, and don't let him live rent free in your head. You split with him for a reason -- and it doesn't matter if he still associates with your Mom. YOU don't have to associate with him, and that's what counts.

I wish you the very best -- hope everything gets straightened out. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Leed

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Don't let go of your power -- don't let him TAKE your power. Get your power back, and don't let him live rent free in your head. You split with him for a reason -- and it doesn't matter if he still associates with your Mom. YOU don't have to associate with him, and that's what counts.

Thank-you for sharing your own experience and your understanding - yes I do have my own power don't I - and I don't have to associate with him. I guess somehow I need to find a way to stop keep feeling hurt by him and my family. Soup

[lad007]

My daughter got a divorce from a husband that is controlling also. However I do maintain a relationship with my ex son in law. I have a grandson and I think it is in his best interest that I do so, so we can keep the communication open.
Your Mum did ask you if you minded, so if you do mind, you should say so. She probably thinks you don't mind, and I'm sure if she knew, she wouldn't be so friendly towards him. So as it is really bothering you, tell her.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by lad007

My daughter got a divorce from a husband that is controlling also. However I do maintain a relationship with my ex son in law. I have a grandson and I think it is in his best interest that I do so, so we can keep the communication open.
Your Mum did ask you if you minded, so if you do mind, you should say so. She probably thinks you don't mind, and I'm sure if she knew, she wouldn't be so friendly towards him. So as it is really bothering you, tell her.

Thanks for sharing your perspective - yes mum did ask me - kind of gets her off the hook though doesn't it? She knows how hurt I have been by everything that has happened and by asking me if I minded she can carry on guilt free - maybe I am the one at fault here. There are a lot of layers beneath this which I guess is why I find it so difficult to accept.

Is your daughter comfortable with you meeting up for coffee with your ex son-in-law?

Hello, SoupDragon. I certainly can understand why you feel the way you do. You are in my thoughts.

[RomanSunburn]

I know this post is a little old, and I also realize my situation isn't as complicated or as serious as yours, but I do understand the feelings you are having.

My fiance has an ex girlfriend he dated in high school (I know, HIGH SCHOOL). But she treated him very badly. Practically taking his virginity, convincing him to lie to his mother, getting him drunk and high, etc etc. I realize he did make his own choices, so she's not completely to blame, but I'm just trying to show what kind of person she was and how awful she was to him. Unfortunately for me and him, his parents love her. Even today, LOVE her. (At his sister's wedding 3 years ago, she was introduced as "This is our son's ex girlfriend, but we love her!" I have never been introduced like this). She was a German exchange student going to our high school, but even today, 7 years later, whenever she's in the states, she gets together with my fiance's parents. We had the good luck to visit a week or two after she did, and practically the first thing both his parents said to us was "Oh, we got lunch with K last week!" It's very, very frustrating to both of us (more so to me...)

But what my therapist helped me realize is that in this case, it's really about boundaries. My fiance's parents don't see any problem getting together with this girl. In fact, it's spread to the whole family. An aunt that she's met maybe once likes her posts about visiting and comments and such on facebook. Neither the ex nor the family understand boundaries, so we have to be the ones to put them firmly in place. It's like Leed said, you have to take back your power. Both me and my fiance blocked her on facebook completely so she'll never show up on either of our pages again. Also, when his parents brought her up, my fiance said that we don't care and don't want to know anything about her. If I were you, I would tell your mother it bothers you if she gets together with him, since she did ask your opinion, but still letting her know that it's her decision what kind of relationship she wants to have with him. I would also tell her that if she does decide to get coffee with him, ask her not to talk about him with you or you with him. Try to figure out what boundaries you are comfortable with and then work on enforcing them. My therapist has been very helpful with this thorn in my side.

Good luck and remember to take care of you!!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

I know this post is a little old, and I also realize my situation isn't as complicated or as serious as yours, but I do understand the feelings you are having.

My fiance has an ex girlfriend he dated in high school (I know, HIGH SCHOOL). But she treated him very badly. Practically taking his virginity, convincing him to lie to his mother, getting him drunk and high, etc etc. I realize he did make his own choices, so she's not completely to blame, but I'm just trying to show what kind of person she was and how awful she was to him. Unfortunately for me and him, his parents love her. Even today, LOVE her. (At his sister's wedding 3 years ago, she was introduced as "This is our son's ex girlfriend, but we love her!" I have never been introduced like this). She was a German exchange student going to our high school, but even today, 7 years later, whenever she's in the states, she gets together with my fiance's parents. We had the good luck to visit a week or two after she did, and practically the first thing both his parents said to us was "Oh, we got lunch with K last week!" It's very, very frustrating to both of us (more so to me...)

But what my therapist helped me realize is that in this case, it's really about boundaries. My fiance's parents don't see any problem getting together with this girl. In fact, it's spread to the whole family. An aunt that she's met maybe once likes her posts about visiting and comments and such on facebook. Neither the ex nor the family understand boundaries, so we have to be the ones to put them firmly in place. It's like Leed said, you have to take back your power. Both me and my fiance blocked her on facebook completely so she'll never show up on either of our pages again. Also, when his parents brought her up, my fiance said that we don't care and don't want to know anything about her. If I were you, I would tell your mother it bothers you if she gets together with him, since she did ask your opinion, but still letting her know that it's her decision what kind of relationship she wants to have with him. I would also tell her that if she does decide to get coffee with him, ask her not to talk about him with you or you with him. Try to figure out what boundaries you are comfortable with and then work on enforcing them. My therapist has been very helpful with this thorn in my side.

Good luck and remember to take care of you!!

Thank-you so much for this RomanSunburn. I know on one side people can't see what's wrong with this situation and I think the way you talk of boundaries is spot on. Like with my T, we have a "relationship" but it has firm boundaries - my ex only knows my mother and vice versa, because of my relationship with him and now that relationship doesn't exist, in some ways what right do they have to continue theirs - I just don't get their disloyalty or why they think it is OK.

It's great that you and your finance are able to stick together on your situation, I would find it hard to hear them go on about how wonderful she is, why don't they see that could be hurtful?

Many thanks again - Soup