[vintageromance]

I have abandonment issues. These issues have gotten worse since my dad (whom I've idealized up until last year) was arrested and sentenced to 50 years in prison. After this happened with my dad, I became closer to my husband and he took on a sort of father figure role. I don't see any problem with this except for the fact that things he does tends to trigger my childhood issues.

For example, he likes to have time alone to do other things besides spend time with me, but I always feel abandoned. I know that it's normal and healthy that everyone has time alone, but being left alone triggers me so badly. In my irrational mind, I think... he's leaving me just like my dad left me, (when he was arrested). Now whenever he leaves, I always end up feeling incredibly angry with him. I try to keep it to myself because I know I'm the one who is in the wrong, but it's so hard not to lash out.

What am I supposed to do? I'm currently looking for a therapist - this being one of the main issues I need to discuss with them - but until then, how can I stop feeling so angry and accept that it's normal for people to spend time alone and that it's actually probably unhealthy for two people to spend every waking moment with each other? I don't want my issues to come between my husband and me.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by vintageromance

I have abandonment issues. These issues have gotten worse since my dad (whom I've idealized up until last year) was arrested and sentenced to 50 years in prison. After this happened with my dad, I became closer to my husband and he took on a sort of father figure role. I don't see any problem with this except for the fact that things he does tends to trigger my childhood issues.

For example, he likes to have time alone to do other things besides spend time with me, but I always feel abandoned. I know that it's normal and healthy that everyone has time alone, but being left alone triggers me so badly. In my irrational mind, I think... he's leaving me just like my dad left me, (when he was arrested). Now whenever he leaves, I always end up feeling incredibly angry with him. I try to keep it to myself because I know I'm the one who is in the wrong, but it's so hard not to lash out.

What am I supposed to do? I'm currently looking for a therapist - this being one of the main issues I need to discuss with them - but until then, how can I stop feeling so angry and accept that it's normal for people to spend time alone and that it's actually probably unhealthy for two people to spend every waking moment with each other? I don't want my issues to come between my husband and me.

what about doing things that you dont need your husband watching over you for like

hobbies, this time of year theres lots of needs for hobby created things for the homeless, low income families, the foster care program.. they are always looking for things that people donate and people to donate their time in helping with things.

doing a hobby is also a great way to pass the time like stamp collecting, rock collecting, coin collection, doll stuff, I bet if you googled the things you like to do theres bound to be a club or group and hobby that centers around that.

maybe your thing is writing, take some or all the time you need for writing now that your husband has found some interests that are separate than yours.

volunteer at community places like schools, libraries, animal shelters, crisis centers and hotlines or anywhere else in your community that is always looking for volunteers.

theres lots of things you can do on your own... to find them think about what things make you happy, what things you like to do. you dont go to work with your husband right most spouses dont go to work with their husbands. now you have time when your husband is there to do some of those things that you do when your husband is working too..

[Starvin4Perfection]

Originally Posted by vintageromance

I have abandonment issues. These issues have gotten worse since my dad (whom I've idealized up until last year) was arrested and sentenced to 50 years in prison. After this happened with my dad, I became closer to my husband and he took on a sort of father figure role. I don't see any problem with this except for the fact that things he does tends to trigger my childhood issues.

For example, he likes to have time alone to do other things besides spend time with me, but I always feel abandoned. I know that it's normal and healthy that everyone has time alone, but being left alone triggers me so badly. In my irrational mind, I think... he's leaving me just like my dad left me, (when he was arrested). Now whenever he leaves, I always end up feeling incredibly angry with him. I try to keep it to myself because I know I'm the one who is in the wrong, but it's so hard not to lash out.

What am I supposed to do? I'm currently looking for a therapist - this being one of the main issues I need to discuss with them - but until then, how can I stop feeling so angry and accept that it's normal for people to spend time alone and that it's actually probably unhealthy for two people to spend every waking moment with each other? I don't want my issues to come between my husband and me.

Hi Vintage!

I'm BPD and have dealt/deal with the exact thing you are dealing with right now. My dad was never around when I was younger; schizoaffective addict... not fun. I have a huge fear of abandonment even though it's completely in my head most of the time and has definitely affected my trust, security, and relationships.

My very best advice I can give, coming from the same situation, is to see an imago therapist!!! This type of therapy will help you understand the "why" of your feelings (although you seem to understand them) so you can stop feeling that way. I don't want to by a hypocrite giving you advice when you're feeling upset because he spent time alone, but what's helped me the most is to keep telling myself that he loves me and it's normal to spend time alone. I like my personal time, so they should as well. Main thing though... remind yourself that your insecurities are not his fault; they're a childhood issue that has nothing to do with him. Oh, and BREATHE!

[want2shine]

I have the same fears.. and I don't know the answer; but with time in my relationship & ever patient husband it seems to be very slowly calming down. The trust bank is building. Mostly probably because we are honest & are luckily able to talk (even about our worst fears & even of not feeling loving towards each other). I have only lately begun to feel a distinction between my fears (with long ago roots) and the actual present moment with people who are actually very nice and caring. With my issues I know that I don't trust people -- don't trust my husband, don't trust my family. They are the closest people in the world to me but I have difficulty feeling their love or loving them (in the true, free sense) which is sad. But I know now that the inability to trust is something that is inherent in me.. and not to do with them out there. And I know that I really want to love properly & to allow that love in. So as difficult as that is for me to allow, I need to let it. So am slowly just letting myself accept who I am & deal with that knowledge in order to separate these two worlds (my inner vs the rest of the world outer) and hopefully stop my acting out (lashing out) with my fears. Because the outer world is not as scarey as my inner world makes me believe that it is. Learning that has been good. Poking my head out of that inner world & feeling the distinction between me & my fears, vs normal nice caring people was a big step. I use to think my inner world was the outer world, but it's not. I'm sorry I'm probably not of any help.. but feel with you & send hugs.