[RomanSunburn]

I'm having a bit of a rough time... I'm worried about my job, a little. I'm worried about me and my fiance. We finally admitted to each other that, yes, we do, in fact, have a messed up relationship. Things are coming to a head though, since he lost his job, and I've been working three to cover the bills while he figures out what he wants to do. Right now, he's doing some seasonal stuff that ends on Christmas. He's only been there a week, but I'm still adjusting to the new schedule. When he was working before, it was fairly regular, I was only working two jobs, everything was fine. My anxiety and depression were under control. When he was out of work for about 3 months, my anxiety got worse, but fairly manageable. He helped me with my morning routine to make sure I made it to work. Now he's at work when I have to get up and get ready, so I'm really struggling with my anxiety. Not to mention, I'm exhausted, so my ability to ground myself is decreasing. I've had to miss work a few times (different jobs, though). I rarely get a day off. I'm only working about 40 hours a week, but it's across usually 7 days instead of just 5, and it's usually broken up so that i work a couple hours in the morning and then a couple hours at night. I actually had to put a stop to my therapy until after christmas because it was to the point where I'd miss work the day after my therapy appointment because it was stirring up things I was trying to keep down just to get through the day....

I'm trying so hard to take things day by day. To not be too hard on my fiance. To keep the jobs that i hate. One job ends after Christmas (it was also seasonal). But I'm honestly not sure I can make it... It's getting to the point where I wish someone would crash into me while I"m driving to work.... My depression and anxiety are coming back, and I"m worried I'm not going to be successful in school. I think I've been projecting the feeling that I'm not doing enough onto my fiance (like I say to my parents "Everyone can see how much I'm doing, but to him I"m not doing enough" when I really think it's me thinking I"m not doing enough -- not him... Like I think I should be able to make it work every day no problem, regardless of how many hours I'm working).

Things just aren't good. And I don't want sympathy from my bosses. Its not helping... I just don't know what to do.... Some days feel okay.. but a lot of others just don't...

Sorry for my rambling whine. Today was a particularly bad day, and I'm feeling a little stuck and don't know which way to jump...

[johndoeadd]

Well at least you are trying. I don't have a job & I'm thinking of going back to school. I just don't know what I want to do. And I'm afraid to be around people at school. It sucks being me. Well at least you have someone to love & that loves you. I have nobody, just my computer. Sending a hug your way

[Perna]

I think you and your fiance have to sit down and make a plan for the next few months and give you a more structured environment and support. What you have now sounds really chaotic and that will cause anxiety in even the strongest person.

I don't know if you do finances together yet or what, but I would try to make it so you each have a couple jobs instead of you having three and he only one and I would try, on your own part, to keep your eyes on your needs and responsibilities only and not worry about his having a job or not, etc. You have to be able to function for yourself or you will be no good for yourself, will be vulnerable to the anxiety going up and down.

Sounds to me like you are working hard and doing what you have to. I would just get it all down on paper; a budget, your plans for work and schooling, how much you need to make and what expenses you have and your hours and ways to use the time between to help yourself -- ways to rest and squeeze in chores you don't want to have to do in other, larger sections of time, etc.

[tarmyg]

((( roman )))

[Silent_tsol]

Roman,
When I first started T, I learned that there is an end to my functioning. Last fall I was working 3 job and was in college full time. Yes I was surviving, I was doing what I had to but it did take a serious toll on my anxiety, sanity and happiness. I've always believed that I need to be able to do it all, if I can't I should try harder. There comes a point where I need to say no. Accepting that it's not in my best interest to work 60 hours a week and try to keep up with school doesn't make me a lesser person.

I understand the struggles of working 7 days a week, it is exhausting. I hope things turn around for you soon. Remember that your fiance is there for you and try to lean on him for support - this might help you not take things out on him

[Sloane]

B"H

Roman,

it sounds like you have a perfectionist type A personality where you shoulder all the responsibility on yourself. the situation you are in is not entirely your own responsibility. you say you are working three jobs and shouldering the financial responsibility on yourself to give your fiancé time to figure out what he wants. when do you get to decide what you want. you will only find happiness through living your life vis a vis your own path of wants and needs. I do not mean to say your fiancé is not part of that,but it is unfair to yourself if you are satisfying his needs and not your own. granted, desperate times call for desperate measures. you both need to be contributing equally to your mutual survival, but what you each want also needs to be part of it. at least have goals to reach if you cannot due what you want to do right now. you will never be happy together if you are always sacrificing your happiness for his or vice versa. this will only eat to resentment of one another in the long run...anxiety and depression in the short run.

you are clearly suffering from severe anxiety and depression. by the way, I think it is great that he helps keep you grounded when he is available and present whie you prepare yourself for hat you have to do...e.g. your morning job. however, he will eventually need to start working a job which will keep him busy at times when you need him to be there to soothe your anxiety. is there anything you can find or do that allows you to self-soothe yourself? perhaps you should find some things such as meditation and meditative breathing or something else that grounds you. I highly recommend meditation and meditative breathing to relax yourself or as a self-soothing mechanism.

it seems you need to organize your thoughts and feelings on pare to prepare to have a long talk with your fiancé. during this talk, I recommend you each state what you need for yourself and what you need from him. he should state the same. you will have to negotiate ith one another as to what you can each give to the relationship without giving too much of yourselves up. when you discuss what you need for yourself that you do for yourself...do not Hirt yourself...be totally honest. he should do the same. ultimately, a good relationship involves two people who are fulfilled on their own and join together to broaden each other's horizons. you should be an infinitely stronger force together than you are as independent individuals alone.

in addition, in this process of self discovery, you need to be a bit selfish by focusing on yourself and your needs to fulfill yourself and make you whole. therapy I your "me time" you have to help do this. skipping therapy since it opens too many cans of worms and makes working difficult is a real problem. you need your therapy to help you cope with all the things in life overwhelming you as well as to explore yourself and all you want from life. it is a gift you need to indulge yourself in. I know sessions can be intense and linger with you, but I believe you need to find a way to commit to going to therapy and going to work. perhaps you should make this your first order of business in therapy. your therapist can help give you some coping techniques to work while still continuing therapy.

it also sounds like you are living in survival mode right now. just getting by day to day. at some point, you need to make your personal goals part of the survival mode to fulfill yourself rather than work jobs that bring you no personal satisfaction. you are sacrificing this for yourself while working to the bone to allow your fiancé the luxury to do this for himself. this is not something that can go on indefinitely. perhaps you need to set a time frame within which your fiancé needs to figure his desired path out within. his luxury comes at a great cost to you. as I said earlier, this will not end well for you if you allow it for an indefinite amount of time. it already has you depressed and anxious.

as for the health of your relationship and what is messed up as you put it. this is something to discuss at the time you sit down together nd discuss your needs and wants for yourself and for your relationship. all I know I that to be a good partner, one needs to be fulfilled inside. both of you need to work this out to be the best partners for one another. I am not sure what I messed up wrt your relationship, but you are both feeling it. this alone is enough to cause you anxiety and depression. I hope you take some time and resources to invest in yourself first. only then can ou be sure the relationship is right for you. he needs to o the same to evaluate the same for himself. once you get all this out, you will be able to set goals for yourselves alone as individuals and together as a couple. then, set goals and act upon them to fulfill yourself and himself and then to fulfill your relationship. just so ou know, all relationships go through growth spots which test the relationship. it sounds like you are each going through personal growth spurts and a relationship growth spurt also. o ly time and hardworking can tell how you will come through it. just make sure to feed yourself first and your relationship second as you need your personal strength to add anything to your relationship's strength.

good luck and keep us posted as to your progress. i read a post of yours that was a reply to someone else's post where you told them to slow down a bit and ask their spouse to slow down as well, it was perfect advice. take it for yourself now. feel free to private message me if anything I said needs clarification or further explanation, or if you need to talk more. take care, be well, and stay well.

most sincerely,

sloane

[Irreplaceable]

Romaannnnnnnn...***Hugs*** Get.Out.Of.My.Head. You are saying exactly how I have been feeling!

I've been wanting to start a thread about this but didn't know where to begin. My situation is similar to yours...I'm working one job, 9-5 and about to start online classes...My SO's hours have significantly dropped at work due to the economy...He is now working maybe 5 hours a week I think? On top of that, we have a 6 year old daughter...Own home, own vehicles, bills bills bills...And it's not to brag because all of this takes money to keep going...This has been going on since the beginning of the year...And I honestly feel like this is the worst I've felt...As far as dealing with depression and anxiety...Like you said, some days are OK...I go to work, put my time in and go home and do mommy and girlfriend duties....But it gets hard....And I wish I didn't have this condition because I feel like it makes things 1000 times harder....Some days I feel in the dumps...Others I'm fine...But even on those days where I'm fine, sometimes I'm mentally trying to keep myself in check so I don't go off... And we have been going at it more lately mostly because of the stress I feel lately with having to carry everything and make sure things don't get disconnected/turned off....The constant stress can be over whelming...And like your SO, alot of times my SO, will say I'm not doing enough...Are you kidding me? I know he doesn't mean harm...I tried sitting him down last week to explain why I've been going to the doctor (psychiatrist) more lately...It helped a little, but I know somewhere in the back of his mind, he is like, "ok. you're exaggerating". Things almost came to a head @ work...I was seriously thinking about taking some time off of work to get myself mentally together, just enough to be able to focus and function without breaking down crying at my desk...Some days I feel like I'm going to burn and crash...And guilty, thoughts sometimes run through my head while driving and thinking about what all that needs to be done...Like, not caring if someone runs their car into my car...Other things that I don't want to put online...But those are during the times where I just feel overwhelmed and like this will never stop or slow down...

I know it's hard but you will get through it...It may be hard to do, but try to not take on too much at one time...You're not alone...Stick in there...

[RomanSunburn]

Thanks for all the responses and support.

I know that everyone sees what I"m doing as a huge sacrifice for my fiance, but the thing is, he brought me out here and I didn't have to get a job in the first place. He was allowing me to take the time to figure out how to get my life in order. Before we moved, I was in school, I was miserable, I couldn't hold down a job at all and I was all but failing out of school. The way I see it is that he gave me my time, so I am giving him his time.

When we moved here, I set myself some personal goals -- get a job, go back to school, finish my degree. Then I either want to continue my education or get a real job in a museum, a library, or a publishing company. That first goal? I did it. I did it three times over. Technically four. I am extremely proud of that. And I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. My next goal -- well, that one hit a few road blocks, but I'm still working towards it. I'm planning on going back to school next semester as a non-degree seeking student, so that the school can see I am a good student, I can do the work, and I do belong there. Once they see I can get the grades, get professor recommendations, and all that, I'm hoping they'll let me in as a degree student (and give me credits for the courses I'm taking next semester). The only problem is trying to pay for it. I can't get federal student loans because I'm not getting a degree at the moment. After the holidays, I'm going to stop into some local banks and find out if I can get private student loans or just plain regular loans. A lot of people are telling me not to go back to school right now, simply to worry about my job. But to me, this is more important. I'm almost 25 and don't have a degree beyond high school. I know I"m still young and I do have time, but I need to do this for me. I always wanted to be well into my career before I even thought about having kids, and if I do decide to have kids, I want to have them when I'm 30. I have no idea how long it will take to get my degree. To me, this is important to do it now. I just have to figure out how...

My fiance is really trying. He's working right now, almost 11 hours a day. He's applying to go back to school to get his masters in teaching. He would be able to get student loans, which might help pay for rent. He's also got an interview set up for a bike shop in early January. There's also the possibility of the job where he's at now could maybe become permanent (he has to apply, and I'm not actually sure if there's any open positions but he would already have his foot in the door). Also, they do tuition reimbursement. If he gets in to school, he'll also look into teaching assistantships for grad students.

We're also planning on moving into a smaller/cheaper apartment after our wedding in June, and I'll be able to take the buses for free once I start school. As an absolute last resort, I have some money in bonds my parents got me when I was a baby, and my fiance has said we can take out a loan from his parents (again, these are last resorts).

I know we'll be okay for the next two months. I honestly can't worry beyond that because I don't know how things will be. It seems like every month, I realize we'll be okay for another month beyond what I thought we would be okay for. We're starting to make cuts where we can (hello pasta every night for dinner and pb and j every day for lunch). Right now, though, I am dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, and every so often it bubbles up and I can't control it. By the end of January, I'll be down to only two jobs, and I"ll probably be able to make up more hours at one of the others, so I think things will balance out okay. I'm also actively looking for better jobs for myself as well.

I really appreciate all the advice and the concern I received. I also realize that today is a good day, and things seem a lot better to me now. Tomorrow could be different. I have to keep my head up right now. Might be time to bring out the crayons and coloring books to help self-soothe at night

Thanks again, everyone. I'll try to keep you updated. Irreplaceable, please feel free to use this thread as your own as well. Feel free to vent, look for ideas, anything. I"m glad I"m not alone in going through this.