[vintageromance]

Things have been rocky between my husband and me lately. He's under a lot of stress and tends to withdraw from everyone. Some days I only get to be around him for maybe 3 hours; the rest of the time he's sleeping or holed up in the bedroom.

This wouldn't be so difficult for us if I didn't have so much anxiety about it. I know I have insecure attachment issues, but I feel sure that my real problem is separation anxiety. I become very panicky, angry, and often cry when one of these bad moods comes around. I feel guilty about that, despite not being able to help those feelings. I know that I put more strain on him when I get upset while he's trying to leave. I'm so sorry about that. I just feel so abandoned and so angry. I miss him and need to be near him, seeing him laugh and joke around. I know it's all my fault though.

Typically, he wakes up in a decent mood (always so tired though, he sleeps 12+ hours a day), we enjoy each others company for an hour or so, and then he runs off to take a shower. Later during the day, his whole "self" changes. Suddenly, he doesn't talk, unless I ask him something, and his tone of voice is just flat. We sit in silence for hours because, according to him, he's trying to at least give me that instead of running off right away to be alone, because "you're so sensitive" and he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Eventually, he says he wants to be alone for 5 or so hours, but even when that time has passed, he's still in a bad mood and doesn't talk to me.

I know something is wrong, but when I ask about it, it's always 'nothing's wrong'. I feel like I have to beat it out of him. "Is it a headache? Is it that you're tired? Are you stressed?" and then, "It's nothing. I'm fine." He says he often has trouble identifying his feelings but I think a lot of it is just that he doesn't like to talk about it. He was a lot worse when we first met, but he's still a bit tight-lipped about it when he's in a bad mood.

If he could just communicate better, it'd help me out a lot, so I don't sit there for hours wondering if he wants to leave me or hates me. Instead of 'nothing's wrong', if he could just say, "I'm in a bad mood," or "I have a headache and don't feel like talking." Anything but 'I'm fine' when we both know he's not. We've discussed communicating better, but I don't know if it'll really work or not.

I'm seeing a new therapist later this month, but until then, I have to deal with this on my own. What can I do to make things better for both of us? How can I not freak out when he's in one of his bad moods? Or rather... how can I stop being so clingy, needy, and get rid of these feelings of abandonment? Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[Leed]

It sounds to me like your husband is seriously depressed! Anytime anyone prefers to "hole up" in a bedroom for 5+ hours, there's GOT to be some depression.

Why not ask him to have a checkup at the doctors? He might be more apt to discuss it with the doc than with someone else. Or the doc SHOULD be able to see that he's depressed.

I know alot of men don't want to go to therapy, but encourage him to try a few sessions. It sounds like he needs some help.

In the meantime, don't hound him for answers -- try to stay upbeat and positive. I know that can be difficult, but it may help. I hope he'll at least see his doctor, if nothing else. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Originally Posted by vintageromance

If he could just communicate better, it'd help me out a lot

That's not a good position to be in, hoping another will change to make us feel better?

What do you do while he's alone; do you have your own hobbies or things to interest you? I would not question him as much, would not question how he is feeling, what he is thinking when he clearly does not wish that and may find it annoying?

My husband and I spend most of the day at our individual computers, about 10 feet apart. Sometimes we even email each other But each of us has our individual interests that we pursue, that are "ours" and not something the other person is interested in particularly.

Do you know things your husband does like? Mine has a problem with his left food that my massaging it can help with. So, sometimes I trade him massage time if he will read aloud to me. I tend to cook dinners that I know my husband likes but experiment too and try "new" meats/meals that have ingredients he likes but are arranged in a different way or are a different cut of meat, etc. When we go places where he wants to go, I try to facilitate his enjoyment. For example, last February we spent 4 weeks in Florida so I tried to add in things I thought he wanted while we were in Florida (I didn't particularly want to go to Florida, it was an interest of his) made the fact we were there of interest to me and tried to "round out" our experience.

Has your husband been to a doctor? He could be depressed, have a problem he'd talk to the doctor about but not want to "worry" you with? My husband and I go to the same doctor and have appointments at the "same" time though the doctor sees us each separately. Afterwards we go have breakfast together and then get our prescriptions, etc. See if you can work in ways to be "with" your husband? Mine naps every day and sometimes I nap too; first we read and then we nap :-)

[vintageromance]

As someone who has been suffering from depression for almost 10 years, I've definitely considered the idea that he's depressed. I've brought it up a few times, but he keeps denying it and insisting that that isn't the problem. I do know that there are some contributing factors to all of this though - he's very sedentary and his diet is terrible. We've talked about making some changes, so hopefully things will get better by maybe getting out for walks more and eating a wider variety of foods.

We've discussed the doctor and therapy as well. He's a little reluctant to see a doctor, but I think we'll both schedule a check up sometime soon. He doesn't have a problem with therapy though, thank goodness. We'll check into that as well.

I'll try not to badger him as much. I do have a bad habit of that. I guess it's just easier for me to cope with this "separation" when I know what he's feeling. I'll work on that though.

When he wants to be alone, I try to occupy myself by watching TV, surfing the internet, reading, napping, etc. Anything really. It's hard though because I miss him so much. I'd much rather be with him than doing all of those other things.

I try to do nice things for him. Last week was really rough for him, so I bought him two cards - a sort of thank you card for always being there for me and a get well card just to let him know that I'd be my best to be supportive and understanding. Today, I surprised him with a pizza and his favorite soda. That cheered him up a bit, I think.

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by Perna

That's not a good position to be in, hoping another will change to make us feel better?

I know that it's not right to be involved with someone and expect them to change. You should accept them as they are. This is different, I think. When we first met, he was very tight-lipped about everything. I couldn't even ask him how his day was without getting something in response like 'meh'. He has changed considerably, and not solely for me, but for himself as well. He's become a lot more well-rounded since he stopped bottling everything up inside. That's all I meant by what I said.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by vintageromance

I know it's all my fault though.

What? Why??
Don't you feel a little annoyed or irritated by his actions? It sounds like you are really being there for him; being open-minded and open-hearted to hear what he has to say about the relationship you both have together and how or why he isn't feeling well. But over and over again he is closing himself off from you. Sure, we all need "time to ourselves" in a relationship. But communication is equally as important. Sitting together while he says nothing, or being grumpy and flat with no explanation, then refusing to care for himself by seeing a doctor...
I guess I see myself in your post because I have had the tendency to do nice things for others to try and cheer them up so that they can be there for me.
But this all backfires in the long run...
Have you ever looked at CoDA? I have found it helpful with relationships.
Sending supportive thoughts your way...
Elana

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by Elana05

What? Why??
Don't you feel a little annoyed or irritated by his actions? It sounds like you are really being there for him; being open-minded and open-hearted to hear what he has to say about the relationship you both have together and how or why he isn't feeling well. But over and over again he is closing himself off from you. Sure, we all need "time to ourselves" in a relationship. But communication is equally as important. Sitting together while he says nothing, or being grumpy and flat with no explanation, then refusing to care for himself by seeing a doctor...
I guess I see myself in your post because I have had the tendency to do nice things for others to try and cheer them up so that they can be there for me.
But this all backfires in the long run...
Have you ever looked at CoDA? I have found it helpful with relationships.
Sending supportive thoughts your way...
Elana

Of course I'm annoyed and irritated. It drives me crazy! I suppose I say that it's all my fault because I'm the one with the mental problem - the attachment issue or separation anxiety. I feel like it'd be unfair to expect anyone to be exactly how I want them to be. Maybe it really is hard for him to open up and communicate, maybe just as hard as it is for me to cope with his absence. I'm the "nice person" anyway. I go over the top in terms of doing things for people and always take the blame. That's why I'm in therapy, I guess.

A little update though: We had a little discussion and he was able to admit that he is depressed sometimes. I don't know why it's uncomfortable for him to admit that, but now he has and hopefully, we can take steps to overcome it. I'm really proud of him just for that.

[RomanSunburn]

The problem with depression, as I'm sure you well know, is that it's extremely debilitating. It also takes a huge toll on the emotions, making you question how you really feel. I can easily understand how someone, especially someone that tends to keep things to himself, wouldn't want to share how depressed he's really feeling. Not to mention, we're still battling stigmas surrounding mental illness, medications, and therapy.

I'm a little curious about your ages, and whether or not either of you work. It just surprised me to see how much time he spends sleeping and alone holed up in his room. If you two are at an age where modern society expects him to have a job (ie, not retired, etc.), perhaps that's another problem he's dealing with -- not feeling like he can provide for you. I know it's the 21st century, but from where I'm sitting, a lot of guys still have this ideal in mind where they take care of their families/women financially.

Also, it seems like he's at his best in the morning. My fiance is the same way. He feels like he can be productive in the morning, but the later on in the day it gets, the more depressed he gets, and the less he accomplishes. But with this is mind, perhaps you could encourage him to take walks with you, maybe before his shower, or right after. When it gets cold, you could go to a mall and walk around or you could get a gym membership at a gym that has an indoor track.

Good luck! Sending warm thoughts your way

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by RomanSunburn

The problem with depression, as I'm sure you well know, is that it's extremely debilitating. It also takes a huge toll on the emotions, making you question how you really feel. I can easily understand how someone, especially someone that tends to keep things to himself, wouldn't want to share how depressed he's really feeling. Not to mention, we're still battling stigmas surrounding mental illness, medications, and therapy.

I'm a little curious about your ages, and whether or not either of you work. It just surprised me to see how much time he spends sleeping and alone holed up in his room. If you two are at an age where modern society expects him to have a job (ie, not retired, etc.), perhaps that's another problem he's dealing with -- not feeling like he can provide for you. I know it's the 21st century, but from where I'm sitting, a lot of guys still have this ideal in mind where they take care of their families/women financially.

Also, it seems like he's at his best in the morning. My fiance is the same way. He feels like he can be productive in the morning, but the later on in the day it gets, the more depressed he gets, and the less he accomplishes. But with this is mind, perhaps you could encourage him to take walks with you, maybe before his shower, or right after. When it gets cold, you could go to a mall and walk around or you could get a gym membership at a gym that has an indoor track.

Good luck! Sending warm thoughts your way

I agree. I can understand why he'd keep things to himself. Like I said, I've had depression for years and understand with all my heart how horrible it is. The only thing that's different is that I've been in therapy for a long time and he hasn't. For me, opening up (even if it's hard) helps. I just thought it might help him as well. I took everyone's advice though and told him I wouldn't nag him about it anymore, unless it's something serious.

We're in our early 20's, both unemployed at the moment. Right now, I'm unable to work, but he'll be looking for a job shortly. I know that that is one of his stressors. He is not looking forward to holding down a job (hates, hates, hates working) and I think he feels a lot of pressure from it. I'm not sure whether it has anything to do with providing for us though. It's a possibility though.

That's an interesting thing you pointed out and you're right. He does seem to be at his best in the morning. I think it'll be difficult to get him up and moving around, but I think if we can make it fun, we'll both enjoy it and it won't be some boring, terrible chore. I think that would really help his mood as well as his sleeping habits.