My bf's depression

Bear with me as I am a long-winded, detailed person.

My boyfriend of almost a year is depressed. He says he's just highly stressed and doesn't call it depressed as it's not as bad as when he was depressed. He recently took himself off Effexor and has been seeing a counselor for several years which has helped him but I still don't think he has the coping mechanisms to deal with his perfectionism or high-stress work.

When he started pursuing me, he was very upfront about his past cycle with relationships. He had trouble with vulnerability but through working with his counselor felt like he was finally able and ready to be vulnerable in a relationship. He had a history of getting 6 mos. into the relationship and then ended it abruptly out of fear of opening up or the not opening up leading to his needs not being met because he kept things to himself. This scared me but because of the tremendous progress he had made and was most likely continue to make, I was willing to take the risk.

Flash forward to year later and we are 3 weeks into finally living in the same city (we had been doing the 2000+ long-distance relationship thing) and he is the worst I've ever seen him. Ever so often I get these bombs dropped on me where he's doubting everything in his life, including his ability to be in a relationship. He tells me if it were to work for him in a relationship, that it would be with me. He feels like we understand each other well because I've gone though a lot of what he's going through. I too am a perfectionist. I too have had troubles with trust and vulnerability in relationships. I think he overlooks these outbursts as times of his vulnerability. We both come from families where the mother wasn't emotionally available and the father was overly demanding and one to be feared. We both fear being in a relationship like our parents are and believe our parents don't communicate well with their partner and aren't a good match for each other.

He goes into this mode sometimes where he thinks he wants to be a park ranger and run off and live in the woods for 5 months at a time, that he should be a loner. I told him to call his own bluff and to do it.

I hear a lot of fear and doubt from him. He doesn't like feeling like his disappointing others, that he's affecting the emotions of others. He seems to wish he could live his life where his choices, feelings, etc. only affect him and no one else.

I have been super patient, supportive, a great listener and have given him a lot of space. He is leaving tomorrow for ~ 1 month to renew himself. I am fully supportive and fully believe that he needs this. My fear is he returns still thinking he's not able to be what he thinks he needs to be to be in a healthy relationship. How do I go a month living in this doubt? I often feel foolish for getting involved with a guy with so much baggage.

Please be kind and thanks for reading.

It sounds like you've done quite well in dealing with all his quirks. I know that it's probably going to be stressful while he's gone, but I really doubt he's going to "solve" anything while getting "renewed." So I don't think he'll drop any bombshells on you when he gets back. And even if he does, it doesn't sound like he ever follows thru with them.

I'm wondering if his current therapist is HELPING him!! If he's been seeing this therapist for several years, it seems like some of his problems wouldn't be so "acute."

I hope you know that if you stay with this guy, you're asking for a lifetime of chaos & strife. He's really got some problems! Are you sure you're up for this?? Life shouldn't be so stressful !!!

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Hello there! Before I begin in talking about your situation, I just wanted to say it sounds similar to mine. I have been dating a girl with a lot of baggage. I care for her greatly but she does have baggage, I've been told by numerous people that it's not worth it, and a lot of days I really know that those people are true...I SHOULD run for it. A lot of days the situation makes me sad and brings me down.

Back to your situation. As to how to deal with the upcoming one month...well it does mean you don't have to deal with his issues for a full month. That should be a little liberating. Take it as a free month of not having to deal with stuff. Perhaps at the end of each day think to yourself about the situation and how you could deal with it effectively.

In the end, you can't 'change' him. You can only change your reaction to him. Could you possibly work on your reaction to him? I'm sure if you built up your own internal strength you may deal with it in a better way. He is not going to just change overnight. You can be patient with him and supportive. And if you find you can't change your reaction to him, it might be better to do something about it.

I have 2 suggestions for you. #1. Focus on yourself for the next month. #2. Work as best as possible at controlling your thoughts. If you control your mind, you won't let him affect you. And then you can make a proper decision with your full capacity of mind as to whether this relationship is rewarding for you. Good luck in your decisions.

Did you move to his city or what? And where is he going now? Not that it matters. It does seem that you do what I have done in relationships in the past, and that is, it's all about proving to the other person that they are okay, and that you are safe to love. But that is a) kind of insulting to the object of your affections? b) re-enacting your childhood, hence c) not very sexy. I think you have a good handle on the dynamics being played out here, you're just not getting yourself out of the old game and into a better, winnable one. Or at least a game with no losers. Are you in therapy, or been? I think you could be having more fun than this.

I hear what you're saying hankster but you don't seem to offer any advice. I have not insulted him in the slightest and never has it been about whether or not I'm safe to love. I have actually tried to find out where the problem of his comes from, whether he wants it to change & how it is he feels, what's his biggest fear? It's unnecessary to tell me that what I'm doing is not very sexy.