Help with my Friend

Hi all,

I have been keeping all this largely bottled up inside me for a couple of years now, and I feel things are about to boil over if I don't get an outlet of some kind, so this is my first step.

I have a friend who i care heaps about. I mean - generally I care a lot about all my close mates, and since we finished high school 2 years ago I've been a bit paranoid but reasonably proactive in making sure I see them enough. I'm not too attached to my family (except maybe my mum) so as far as my sense of belonging goes, it's pretty much all wrapped up in 4 or 5 of my closest friends. I know none of them have that same issue - they all have pretty cool families they can do stuff with and enjoy the company of, but that's always been cool.

Anyway, he's a guy, I'm a guy - I don't think I'm gay. Maybe jealous because he's rather fit and I'm a 110 lb stick, but that's nothing unusual. I really want to become closer friends, and I want to see and do stuff with him more often. He just always seems less accessible or less inclined to do stuff with me.

Over the past few years I've known him though, there have just been so many ups and downs, and every time there is a big down it hurts like hell. Let me go over some examples, chronologically.

- Our last year of high school. Things are generally going well - he sometimes goes out of his way to sit next to me in class. On one of our last days, the grade goes on a Beach Day sort of thing. While we're there he doesn't have much worth eating so I offer to buy him lunch. I do, and we sit down and eat - I'm a pretty slow eater so he finishes well before me. He then gets up and leaves me there in the food court on my own, so he can go back to the beach with the others. As you can imagine, that didn't feel too nice.

- We're at a friends house watching a movie. I didn't bring a car as I got a lift with another one of my mates. He had to leave early, so I asked this main friend in question if he could take me home later instead, and he refuses. This is despite me not being very far out of his way at all. It's like an extra hour of my company isn't worth an extra 5c in petrol for him?

Now, the leaving-me-sitting-alone-in-the-restaurant thing, he has done a second time as well, and every now and then he won't bother to tell me if people are doing something so they can include me. But on the flip side, he quite often does give me a lift to and from places, or lets me come over and veg at his house for a while. I don't understand why he seems reasonable sometimes... but then completely doesn't care about me at other times.

A month ago, my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a masectomy and underwent her first bout of chemo a week ago. As you can imagine, this means greatly increased stress levels and needing of support. It's pretty scarey stuff. When I told him about it, I was shaking a bit - purely because I knew I'd be so upset if he didn't give the response I was hoping for, which indeed he didn't. He has hardly given me any supportive words and really just tries to avoid the subject. Another of my friends had his mum go through the same thing, and as I recall my friend gave a lot more support to him than to me. I know people react to these things in different ways, but it just seems heartless.

Then there's tonight. Tonight was the last straw with me keeping this bottled up. I was invited to a friends birthday party. I message him to see if he wants to come to my place so we can go together - him or me driving, I don't care as long as one of us can navigate as I don't know the way. He never replied to my message. Usually for him, no reply means he's not going.

So I managed to get a lift with another friend, and when I get there... not only is he there, but he also picked up another of my mates on the way. I wouldn't have been out of his way at all. I asked the person who he picked up if he mentioned anytihng about my SMS and he said "Yeah, he just said he didn't care". So throughout the party this evening I couldn't bring myself to say a word to him. But it sucks - he just completely brushes me off when I need him or want to see him.

Now, obviously because I've shortened the last 3 years of my life into a few paragraphs, I have only highlighed the bad parts, so you need to remember the above was spaced out over a good amount of time with a fair bit of nothing-worth-mentioning in between.

But I don't know. He was saying just the other day that he is worried about how few friends he has, and he wants more. But when it comes to me he doesn't even seem to care about whether he keeps me as a friend or not? I know he doesn't hate me, or he wouldn't let me come over to his house and stuff. So what's the deal? Why would he be doing all this to me? As far as I can tell I have generally been as helpful as possible. When he crashed his car, I was the first on the scene to see how he was. While it was getting fixed, I drove him places even though picking him up tripled my travel time to our destination. When he needs help with his computer, I come over even if it's late at night. I don't care for "trading favours", but I am pretty sure my actions have made it obvious enough to him as to just how much he means to me.

He just doesn't reciprocate, and infact often does quite the opposite. I'm going nuts, and this is what I have been losing sleep on almost every night for a long time now. I don't know what to do. Completely letting go of him just isn't an option my mind can cope with. At this time in my life i need as many close friends as I can get.

[OOPS]

I should add, I feel like I will scare him off for good if I talk to him about this. He doen't like very deep conversation, and he's awfully homophobic so if he got the wrong impression he'd be running as fast as he could. I don't want to do anything that would make him want to see me even less. Hence I am stuck.

Hey. That is... A hard one.

Sometimes people have different needs with respect to intimacy. So for some people having a good friend means having someone to talk to about their innermost thoughts and feelings while for other people having a good friend means having someone to throw a football around with.

and sometimes... one person wants to be closer, while another person wants a little more space.

i'm wondering whether something like that might be going on?

another thing that can happen... is that we tend to want what we can't have. or want what is inaccessible to us. people 'playing hard to get' well... i think that is typically a bit of a misunderstanding of the principle... and it is likely to backfire... but there is truth to it in the sense that if we see someone having fun in themselves (or with others) then we tend to want to join in whereas if we see them not having such a good time without us then we can feel a little constricted by them.

i really don't know... just kicking ideas around...

i'm wondering if what he means about friends... is that he is looking to have MORE friends. most of my flatmates are like that. they like to go around with a pack of friends. i'm not so much into packs. i'll do something with one or two of them at a time but they will ditch me for a pack of people playing cricket or having a party or something and... well... mostly i'd rather be by myself than get involved in that kind of thing (mostly because they are a bit younger and more into binge drinking and being fairly crass in general etc whereas they'll tone it down in a more individual situation).

i guess... I just accept that for what it is. and the upside is i don't have too much trouble saying 'nah i want to be by myself for a while' or even saying 'nah i'm going to visit another friend' if i don't want to hang out with them. i just accept that for what it is. and... if they are going to ditch me for other things... i try and sort out other stuff for me too so that that means i do the same thing with them... and the upshot of that seems to be that... the relationship is fairly equal in that sense... and... they don't come to think of me as a 'she'll be there as an emergency backstop for when other plans fall through' kind of person...

i'm wondering (about the food situation in particular)... that does seem fairly rude...
or thoughtless...
i'd call him on that.
'are you leaving? aren't you going to wait for me to finish so i can join you?'

maybe...

i guess i'd be thinking that your friendship is more important to you than it is to him. thats not to say that he doesn't like ya a whole bunch. thats just to say that he wants a more superficial friendship with a few more people too... and so... i guess i'd back off a bit.

and in time...

maybe talk to him.

dunno. not so good at the inter-personal thing myself...

i'd be very confused over the way the friend treats you. i'm not positive that i'd call him a friend right now. and some of this could be attributed to immaturity, but that doesn't help you a lot. if you can find a therapist/counselor/trusted adult to talk to, i'd do it. it sounds as if this is reallly hurting you and it makes me feel sad for you to sound so down about this. i only have one or two good friends and i know how important it is to feel accepted. please keep me posted and PM me any time. xoxoxo pat

Thanks for the replies, guys. I do indeed think alexandra may be on to something with the idea that he just doesn't value the relationship as much as me. I mean, it's quite obvious, but I gues i need to find out if it's because he's just not looking for something deeper with anyone, or if it's because he just doesn't like me that much.

I do indeed think the next step will be talking to someone about this, and I think I know just the friend who would be good for that. Very understanding and open-minded guy.

Thanks again, I will keep you posted. I've waited far too long to get this all sorted out.

> I guess i need to find out if it's because he's just not looking for something deeper with anyone, or if it's because he just doesn't like me that much.

There are other options too... I have some friends who are real social butterflies (compared to me anyway lol!) They try to build connections with a variety of people and don't really spend a lot of time with any one person.

It doesn't have to be that he 'doesn't like you all that much'.

Sometimes peoples needs (regarding level of intimacy) can just be different.

I have one friend in particular who I just need to accept on her terms. She is totally unreliable. I have just learned not to go out of my way to meet her - because I know she will not go out of her way to meet me. Even if we have agreed to meet. With her... There is simply nothing else to be done but to meet her on those terms. She doesn't want to change. And she feels constricted and upset if people get upset with her about it. One of our other friends will get upset. He wants to know what she is doing and if she is coming with us and if she doesn't turn up he will get really very upset.

If it was one sided (she got upset with us for not turning up etc but expected us not to) then I imagine I wouldn't have much time for her... But she isn't like that. She doesn't come around to visit me very much either. I thought maybe it was that she didn't like me... But every now and then she will turn up. Especially if I haven't seen her in a while.

Sometimes it can be about... Fostering connections with people who are more similar to us regarding their required levels of intimacy. That being said I think it is wise not to burn bridges because peoples requirements can change over time. And sounds like you have a lot of good memories from the relationship too :-)

This guy doesn't sound like much of a friend to me. It sounds like he only wants you around when it's convenient for him. Personally, he sounds like quite a jerk to me, but that's just me. I know how much he means to you.

You might want to just say to him what's on your mind, but don't go into detail. Like ask him if he is your friend or maybe if he wants to be better friends...I don't really know.