[MacD]

let me take this a step further....Is it ok to wish that your mother weren't in your life at all? As long as I can remember, she's been venomous, controlliing, overbearing.....
And now that she's moved away, alot of ppl are actually getting to know ME without mother's commentary....I like this independence...I like not having her around.... that's the truth.....so why do I feel guilty?
grace

[ozzie]

Hi Grace. I think this new independence is good for you. Wish you didn't feel guilty about a positive change. Maybe we feel guilty because enjoying ourselves is new to us and we've been taught not to? I don't know.....just giving this some thought.

[MacD]

me too...I've thought about it alot...and on a purely logical level, I'm very cognizant of how much nicer life is without her so close....but she initially moved because of her violent disapproval of me...NOW...she's unhappy and whining about wanting to move back....my reaction has been purely panic.....I didn't even know that I would reflexively be so threatened....."Remember that line in "Terms of Endearment"?....."it sure would be nice to have a mother that somebody liked...."
grace

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

It's perfectly normal to dislike even hate a parent...and we feel quilty because they ARE our parent. I have read that the mother is always the one we bond most with an as infant ..needs are met or unmet by her but she is mom...Some mom's can be...cruel at best..not that yours is...but the point they can hamper us in life. Relationships that are toxic can leave one in a quantary. Sadly some folks are just toxic no matter the relationship

[MacD]

You know?.....Toxic is such a good term....one of my fellow townspeople noted to me that "your mother burned alot of bridges" before she left.....sadly, I know where her toxicity originated...but that isn't a good enough excuse to ruin my life.....

[bebop]

I think maybe you are feeling guilty because we are taught as babies to love our parents. believe me I know how you feel. my mom was just like that.

[Estee1]

My mum was really horrible and yet really nice. It was very confusing and hard as a child because she would go from being nice and caring then to being abusive and accusing. When I was a kid I hated her and I wished that I had another family. I wanted her to die. I can remember thinking that alot. I was so scared of her. I still see her now. Sometimes I think I see her too often. Yesterday it dawned on me that I still hate her. I do still wish that I never had to see her again and I feel that I would be free if she was dead. I feel really awful about the way that I feel about my mother. I don't want to feel this way but I do. Not seeing her again would be such a relief. The truth is that she repulses me. I can't stand her touching me and having to kiss her or hug her is disgusting. But I don't want to feel like this, I want to accept her for who she is. It's a very hard place to be in. I am not ok about the way I dislike my mother. I don't want to feel this way. My other brothers and sisters have nothing to do with her really. Except one brother who sees her once a week. I feel like I have been left to endure her. The others live away and don't even send her a birthday card or even call her for christmas. One sister said that she wouldn't even go to her funeral if she died. She would most probably being dancing around with joy and I think I would be too. I feel guilty that I feel this way.

[MacD]

You're so right, bebop....I was brought up that family was sacred...no matter what...you took care of your own....that was an absolute....and it definitely plays into my current conflict....(I just wish that it brought me some peace and comfort)
grace

[desirae]

Don't feel guilty......rid of the guilt, it is still the control your mother ceases to have over you.....just unconsciencly. I know I'm not the person to tell you to rid of it, because I too suffer from "mommie dearest", issues. But I know once you do get rid of it all.....your officially free.

Desirae

[kimmydawn]

((((((((grace))))))))

I could barely move day to day without my mother interfering in some manner or another.

the constant emotional injury is what got me stuck. it would be bearable for a short time, then BANG! it's been the most painful, confusing, unhealthy relationship in my life.

i'm so sorry that your relationship with your mother isn't all that your hopes and dreams call for.

i so hope you a peace. i know the hurts, pain, and fears that you talk about.

i'm having a hard time putting into words what i'd like to say because there's just sooooo much.

I hope you a peace and resolve that i don't think i'll ever find.

love,

kd

[hillbunnyb]

Yes.

[oksomaybeimnuts]

{{{{{{{{Grace}}}}}}}}
i understand completely what you mean. my mother was an overbearing person who felt as though all of her children should live their lives exactly as she thought. It took me awhile, but with the help of my T, i reconciled myself to the fact that while i loved my mom, it was definitely ok to not like her as a person.

((((( Grace )))))

It's perfectly ok. I think a lot of us struggle with the same problem.

I am working so hard to resolve the many issues with mine too. She is 77 yrs. old now and I am trying to have compassion but at the same time I resent the fact that she treated/treats me like crap and now expects me to be there for her.

From the human aspect of my heart (her being elderly, lonely) I can't walk away.

As I type this I am feeling guilty cuz I have not called her in two weeks. I really don't want to either.

Argh.

[January]

Grace!

I know the whole story. Is it all right to want a venemous rattle snake to not be in your life? Of course it's all right not to want your mother in your life. She hurts you continually. Stay away from her.

If you need me, I'm right her for you.

Love and hugs,

Jan

[MacD]

You know, Kimmy, I truly think that this isn't one of those conflicts w/a neat resolution.....my mother is my mother..(for what it's worth)...but I am determined to set my boundaries and keep them that way.....
I actually feel sorry for her in so many ways...she let her own unpleasant experiences from childhood "congeal" into a personality of anger, insecurity and neediness.....she truly feels that the world "owes" her something....so.....she attempts to take that "something" out of those she's suppose to love....I won't be that vessel anymore, no matter what her decision ends up being.....thanks everyone for your input...it really helps. grace

[LMo]

ah... MacD... you and I should kvetch in Chat about this. I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I have a very similar issue with my dad. I love him because he's my dad, but there is very little that I actually like about him. Of course just typing that produces tons of guilt. 99% of what comes out of his mouth offends me, and I'm very difficult person to offend.

But alas... I have only a few seconds online today. My stepbrother is getting married and the aforementioned parents are in town. Therefore... to be continued...

High-five, MacD!

[Lexicon78]

I always thought you had to like and love your parents, but in my adulthood I learned that I do not have to do either one. We are just conditioned to believe that we have to feel those things.

[LMo]

Ok, here I go. I have a brief reprieve from my parents' visit and made a note to myself to get back to you.

(this particular visit aside), I have had an increasingly bad relationship with my dad. As a little kid, I always cried if he tried to pick me up, pulled away when he has tried (and tries) to touch me, and even can't eat if he's sitting too close to my food. I TOTALLY understand the feeling of disgust. It's gotten even worse (until this visit) since I met my husband, who my dad decided instantly that he doesn't like, and makes no secret of it. But the part that bothers me the most is that he has very few interpersonal skills. He talks about himself nonstop -- on Friday night, we went to a restaurant and he gave a 43 minute (I timed him) monologue about how great he is and how hotel and airline staff treat him like a king because he is a frequent traveller and has lots of points. He never asks anyone questions about their opinions, feelings, or lives, but judges and criticizes based on what he is able to see without knowing any background. He is an arrogant, ostentatious, racist, elitist snob and most of his judgements about other people greatly offend me (and I'm really hard to offend).

(this visit aside), He comes out here to our home and points out every renovation flaw, saying how he could have done it better. Nothing is clean enough (and I have an exceptionally clean house), the food isn't good enough, he doesn't like his Christmas presents... it goes on and on. He literally ignores my husband when my husband goes to shake his hand or ask him polite questions. The rudeness astounds me.

If he weren't my dad, and an elderly one at that, I would never speak to him again. My therapist does not understand why I still try, since obviously it hurts me tremendously.

It's hard to explain how I feel about this. I think it's ok to dislike a parent, but I could never cut the tie completely. Family is family, and I might never like him, but he's my dad. I only have one biological parent remaining (my mom died when I was 15) and he is my last link to my history. And as much as I dislike the person that he is now, I do respect the life that he was forced to lead (eastern european refugee) and realize that the unfortunate events of his life contributed to the person he is now. He had a lot of heartache in his past, and I won't be the one to give him his last, no matter how much I hurt myself in the process. But, that's not to say that I'm not trying to set some boundaries, and my T has been hugely helpful with that.

Sorry, this ended up being really long. I didn't mean to hijack, but I do want to show that I can relate to what you're saying.

The things that helped me deal with him are:
- working with my T to accept that it's ok to dislike him, even if I will continue to function as his daughter
- I hate to say this, but taking Ativan before spending time with him helped immensely. I'm not taking it now, but in the past, taking anti-anxiety meds have kept me to a simmer instead of exploding
- I try to always keep in the forefront of my mind that his life was harder than mine will ever be, and that I need to respect the hardship that he endured

I understand, MacD. I'd love to work on boundaries together. Maybe we can help each other. Ironically, I did actually have a passably not-bad visit with him this past weekend (can't say good, but it wasn't as bad as usual) and I don't know if it's because of the boundary work I did with my T, or if he was just in a good mood. Or whatever. Anyway, I'd love to talk with you more if you're up for it. We can learn from each other, I think.